|Psychology and Mental Health Forum|
|Author:||OMNICELL [ Mon Nov 04, 2013 2:01 pm ]|
|Blog Subject:||I feel inadequate sexually; Warning ( triggers)|
I haven't touched on this subject yet! I was never ready, I was to sick to talk about sex!
Im so split off of self. Im hear now, and also back in 1970 and 1979; and other time zones split from self.
I can feel it; the sexual thing! I see 2 me's; the child or growing healthy me with lots of goals and plans.. and a bit later, the sexual me that is starting and violated. I am submissive and scared and to young to defend myself against the monsters that have attacked me! One of those is my mother! altho if feels and seems like Im reliving stuff that happened between 0 and 5.
I feel inadequate around women! I feel like a little boy and they are old enough to be my mothers! when they are much younger then me! I feel stuck inside, like a 9 year old in rage!
I feel like; if I get touched, Im going to die! Somehow I see myself projecting what my mother put into me, put me through. its not me, its part of my mother in me! she has gotten into me! she has erased me, and transplanted herself in me! I do not know who I am at this age, she has taken over me! and I feel taken over, Im not me, Im controlled by her on the inside! I have self hate and loathing for self as she planned. I am a robot of hers, a machine; a dumb piano,. that when stuck, just plays back!
I see myself frightened and alarmed around my mother. She is a worthless sycophant! I see myself hating women, because they are all my mother, they are all bitches that can go to hell!
I feel like Im not big enough! Im to small! Some how I see my mother telling me this! Im talking about sexual anatomy!
I see myself being taken to my grandfathers to be raped! she is in control! I have no place to escape! I feel the rage and the hate! and the contempt! and theirs no place to cry or run and hide! nothing! where is my father, why wont he protect me!
I have no road map of this age! I have nothing! I do not know who or what I am or what I am to become! I have no family, all is a twisted broken dream of pain, sorrow, confusion and hate.
I can see the development I was hoping for as a person, then I move into sexual age! and this is when I get torn up; torn to pieces, pounced upon, bullied, raped by my Grandfather and harassed! and I see the original me disappear! split of from self! The original me simply disappears into the core of me as a memory plate! I can see this happening from the past! I can see it as Im speaking or writing! And it brings up incredible rage against society, self and God and everything living and breathing! Im sick and scared to death! and humiliated, violated, transgressed, and hated and abused.
Some sick ###$ have done something to me? Possibly things are surfacing from ages 0 t0 5.
I can feel that Im enraged from being bullied, and Im horribly humiliated and disfigured. Im repressing my fear, as that age to fear is a bad bad thing! that would bring about complete humiliation. And Im wondering where my father is through all of this! I realize Ive been abandon and Im not sure what to do!
I see my mothers hate for me, and I wonder how she had the right to be around me again after abandoning me! Why would these sick ###$ bring this worthless ######6 whore around more innocent children! and how did I get into this! I was forced into this, dragged against my will into this.
I can feel the repressed rage come up! I want to kill everything in site.... The deeper in is being destroyed. and Im being thrown away! I have no place left to run to! Ive been pulled from my home! I cannot go back there! It does not exist anymore, but in my memory!
My whole life was stolen from me! and I cannot never return to it! Thanks DAD, I really appreciate it! Thanks for running out on the family! you left us hight n dry to die!
Now in my teenage years, I have no one to protect me! Im all alone! no safety on any side! and the world is twice as dangerous as it was! and I can feel the pain, and the confrontations, and humiliation! I realized Im finished! Ive been ousted from this family system. The family system has been destroyed and blown into pieces! it is no more! This is out of hate from my mother; a ######6 worthless lunatic man hater! a complete sadistic sociopath!
I see anxiety in these years.. I see major anxiety from these years and emanating from these years.
It is these years I feel stuck in; stuck in as an adult! An adult awkward scrawny teenager; that is how I feel. A broken down awkward scrawny teased broken low life teenager that has been given away for rent.
What Im mad about; this whole thing was thought out by someone. They new how to destroy me, how to pull all anchors of safety! They new how to destroy me or erase me or turn me into a person of low character! A person much like a criminal or a low life! or a bum, or a street hustler, it was done out of hate and contempt; general hate and contempt against society and God and man!
This person had no business around children!
And I realize I was never noticed or cared about by anyone! and the pain is great! and heavy and thick and deep!
|All times are UTC|
Powered by phpBB © 2002, 2006 phpBB Group