April 2024
March 2024
I was at a meeting; I said; altho I havent had a drink for 1/3d My life; I just want to hide... Like I did when I was drinking when I was young. AGORAPHOBIA. I mentioned; I dont feel Sober; I talked with someone; They said I had fear; define what Im afraid of.... Its fear behind wanting to hide all the time; while others want to live and work and have relationships; I want to hide...
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Heres the deal; at least Im not blaming others; Its inside of me. Im starting to tell people at meetings; I want to hide; thats all I want to do. That purdy much sums up everything about my recovery and my life. Notice I havent brought anyone else's name into it.
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Im using visualization techniques to work on it.... But the most important thing; Im not blaming anyone. I want to hide while others want to go to college and work and be married and..... My natural feels are; I want to hide... So; Dissociation; flash backs.. I want to work through them... Im getting better; I mean; my definition of things is becoming clearer...
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And I wrote more stuff earlier this morning and yesterday.
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I guess Im looking for a friend when I think about a women; I think they are looking for something else; an adult... Im not an adult; Im just me; a decent person.... Im just me...
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I dont trust the women that have liked me... ive never felt good enough to be with the kind of women I would Gell with... And that has to be looked at.
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So
1. Ive never felt good enough to be around the right women
2. I dont trust the women that do like me...
3. I'm used to attractive women liking me; I like the fantasy of it... The problem is; its just a fantasy; why? because they are not nice people... But I could be wrong; they could be normal women without the same long term PTSD problems I have that make me paranoid; Im very paranoid...
Well; if ive been able to attract Ms Universe all my life; Super Hot women at that level then; Ive got it made; Not exactly; non of these women are nice people. These women are expecting a man; not a broken boy who's immature at best; and Im much worse condition then that. or I was. Im a bit older now...
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So; I never really attracted anybody ever... not really; no one I could trust. and no one I could have a relationship with; ( I could have had a relationship with all of them). They were not the type of women to have relationships; ( all of them were the type of women to have relationships with).not for a guy like me. But for a more brutal animal like Alpha male; the kind all the girls like; sure; these guys would work... But not me. Im more refined and intelligent... Im not spoiled and immature with my emotions and stupid and all that... Im trying to define a kind of rich kid alpha male all the girls like or want; the kind with all the confidence that all the girls think is handsome and Hot or what ever; its not my bag to talk about men that way; anyway.
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SO; Women that were or are cheerleaders; I dont trust but thats what I attracted. But who was I around. what did I want to attract; what kind of women. I know the kind but I was beat out of being around them. I was hardened and not part of that group anymore...
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OK; How do I get back into my original group of people that I associate with; Ill have to discuss them and really look at them and the anger I have for being on the outside of them... Who am I suppose to be around....
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THe exotic women that have liked me like me; but if things don't go their way; they never blame themselves; instead they just go to the next guy that is interested in them; and they abandon me; and they dont care; not at all; no conscious; nothing. And if one thinks about that; that means Im associating with women or people that dont care about anything; thats not the kind of people I want to DATE!
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How do I become that person; that person again; the person I want to meet and date; meaning; from that group; how do I become within that group again... I see bullies and other people hurting me and throwing me Agway and getting in the way; How do I become that person again... The answer is not to blame women who do not accept me for who I am or wont help me become who I am or get to the group I need to be with.. Im the one rejecting me... I have to some how become that person again; thats where the work is; I just thought God was sending helpers in the form of these women and I never trusted that... I hated that and I hated them.
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I hated the women who God sent me; I resented the fact they had that kind of power over me? they were superior in a position of power where they could use me or hurt me; and I knew they would. I did not like being in a subordinate position...
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I did not trust them... I had no life of my own. I was completely dependent on them.... completely because Im alone out here...
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Ok; Im completely depended on them; Im alone out here; Now im getting somewhere... Ill talk about this hardened area...
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Im getting somewhere.
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I need someone to help me get to the right people and these women sent to me seemed like mothers that would help me get to the right people but where the wrong people. NO; I was afraid they would abandon me. And looking at all their behavior; they did.,...
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I have to become myself again... And I want so badly to blame the women that like me or come near me; I lash out at them if they come near me... I wont let anyone get close to me because Im not me; Im another personality instead of the one I was as a boy; Im a surviver personalty... I want them to want the child personality; maybe they see him but I cant be him but I also cant seem to tell them this.
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One area I have going for me is the understanding of telling them... im getting better at that; that was one way to fix these relational problems.. talk to them about these problems...
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I might need a different kind of women; intellectual women... Not evil tho...
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I cant even admit that I liked these girls; I dissociate.
If I see myself doing something fun; I dissociate
if I see myself with an intellectual girl that would be the kind I like; I wont admit I want them or like them; I refuse. I wont admit it; I dissociate.
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So; Im starting to see it; the mass world of AVPD and dissociation toward opening up again. This is the mechanism of Amnesia. This is not a game; My nervous system is still damaged... and hurt...
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Their is more then just self esteem ishue concerning being with the right person; or right people. Real fear abounds... Dissociation; lots of problem; not feeling worthy at all; feeling completely worthless...
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Their are plenty of women I would like to have sex with and be friends but not be tied down to... no thanks... I want to use their bodies. But Im to chicken to talk to them and ask..
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Feeling intimidated to talk to women? Something like that... feeling intimidated to tell them how I feel and what I want... I want them in their place.. I want them wanting me; no games... no equal power because Im not getting involved with them to have equality; Im getting involved with them because I like them; big big difference... I dont want a socialist around me; stupid nonsense...
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The ability to pull a women off the the side and talk to her takes confidence; I dont have any; Im scared timid rabbit; OK; and that might be a place to start.. Yes; that is the small child in me.. he does not want to talk to girls... They embarrass him... because he likes them... So; But he was scorched dealing with psychopaths so he does not do well around women... He is afraid of being destroyed... But openings are happening...
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So; we will see... The problem has been; ive not been my real self.. The child around anyone...
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I have to be myself again; have the strength for it; practice it... work with God on it.. Im like Gilligan on Gilligan's Island; Im an expressive actor...
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Im allot of things. And I have to work toward them... getting over this anger Hill.... and moving forward...
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Dissociation is of the day; and when its mixed with avoidance; AVPD: that means Amnesia; and if it is Amnesia causing the problem; That means back off; that is serious stuff... Im trying to work through damage....
I must Talk to God about all of this... and directions...
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Ultimately; Im trying to go home. So; God has got to figure out or help me figure out how I can feel safe and this possible... Ive got to work with God on this; its all I want in this life is to go home...
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So; Im around the wrong women; its that clear and that scares me. How do I work with God to find the right people to associate with; I was burned when young and not accepted; but I didn't do anything wrong.
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Possible I need a whole new life; Ill have to work with God and regain what I lost when young. End up around the right people... this time and work with God on how to maintain it I guess.. I dont know... I guess.
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As for women; I need to be around a higher level quality women... I dont mean just education; I mean in quality of human being...
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I just want a higher quality person to associate with...
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A direction with my life; Ill pray about it again and again and again.. and again and again and again and again and again...... and again. I See the sexual abusers; thats all I see... Ill pray about it,.
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Just got out of an intense mens meeting; 2 things of importance..
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FIrst; an answer to the music problem; its solved I think; at least at the base level; its not what I thought it would be. Its not me striving for something; its getting accountability when Im ready for it to stay awake; I go to sleep because of dissociation and Im not me anymore and I drop out; and dealing with music is intense for me and triggers me to drop out; so; if Im ready for it; accountability to stay awake; and Ive been practicing that anyway lately.. I mean; im just starting to. SO; I get it... its about being connected and having real support I can call on a daily basis,. .THings are changing.
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2. Why do I want that girl around me; well; I wanted her around me for every reason that built my ego; I could not feel anything else or focus on anything else.
Why do I want that girl around me; because (pause); I like being around her on a daily basis; I like being with her.
I told myself; SELF; you will never allow that to ever happen again; because I didnt want to get hurt. but I took a look at my past and really analyzed it; In fact; the girls never turned on me; I always turned on them and then they said nasty stuff about me after I was gone or didnt come back; they never dropped Me; non of them; I walked away from them and then they said and did nasty stuff.
So; Ill pray about having a girlfriend that I love being around on an hourly basis or minute by minute basis and Ill have to feel that way about myself and see who show up...
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I may have to let go of what or whom I thought will show up and just allow God to bring them. Ill start writing about who I want and what it feels like.
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I am changing; it will be awhile; when it comes to women; I dissociate and Im not present anymore. SO; this will take intense works; but Im watching changes happening..
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Ill start mediation so I can get in touch with my inner being and get inline with my inner being and the universe..
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Its about waking up; I cant do it alone. My personality is to weak to be in reality; it comes in n out of reality; its not strong enough to maintain reality.
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