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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
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   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
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   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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I cant remember sex

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat May 18, 2019 4:32 am

And so; I move the subject into the matter of sex. And this is especially good; for this is a subject of intimacy ; suggesting my dissociative disorder is waking up; Ive been putting pressure on the universe to heal me and make me remember; I lost almost all my memories of my entire history; and my childhood had a special altered block that separated itself from the rest of me.
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With dissociative amnesia; with me; specifically, at its height; I could remember faces; but nothing else; meaning; I could remember the school in my mind; or the area of the school but nothing else; I could not remember what went on in that school; its all blocked. I remember it was a bad place, and I was numb and dissociative and in traumatic shock and flunked out completely.
I remember the bully named squirrel that bugged me the very first day I was their. I was bullied the whole time and other bad things; I cant remember; but I do remember the horror of it.
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I was thinking of a women I dated in college for three years while at the University in the city on the coast. ITs a big stupid liberal city now.
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I remember this women but do not remember having sex with her; ever; only once maybe; I must have had sex with her 500 times; and I dont’remember anything other then her face or choice moments with her; but no intimacy; and I remember; I never wore a rubber ever; and yet, I never got her pregnant? Im not allowed to remember intimacy; and this is dissociative amnesia at its best. This is how it was with my whole life when I first started therapy for dissociative disorder. it was all amnesia; everything.
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Im trying to understand why Im not allowed to remember sleeping with this women; I cant remember anything; the bed, bedroom, that time of day; nothing; no remembrance; nothing. And I remember other things of that time period and Im not allowed to remember anything from that either.
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When I was continuously being hit with humiliation and failure; finally, my mind blanks it all out; and later its turned into dissociative amnesia; and this happened with every area of my life.
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Still; I wonder why I can remember having sex with her; not even once; not really.
...
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I was telling a mens meeting today; Im starting to talk about wife, money, career, vacations, houses, cars; normal interests; and this is a great move forward; but most of them dont appreciate any of this; but its important for me; I never talked like this before.
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I bring this up about sex; because Ive not been able to have sex; even if a women asked me for sex; I could not fallow through; and ive asked women out; but would not fallow through; even after a phone number; would not follow through; and Im trying to change that.
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Im not sure why I did not follow through; why! was I afraid of sex; maybe; maybe Im afraid of hooking up with them; I dont know. Seems odd.
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I had 2 women come to my apartment and want sex; I through them out; it freaked me out the way they showed up undercover of what they were doing their. They brought pizza and wanted to take selfies to show their girlfriends on facebook. But I chickened out; I ran off scared. And I dont know why; was I scared I could not perform very well; or I was frightened I was not big enough; I was 2 small and would be found out. Possibly I knew these were the wrong women to sleep with; I would get me into trouble later.
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Trying to get to the bottom of what I would watch porn but not sleep with women.

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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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