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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (957)
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- July 2019
Things continue to change
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:53 pm
the strange world of getting better did
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 4:36 pm
This is not going to be easy.
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:47 am
Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am
Something positive is happening
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm
The Beatles
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am
A place exists
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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I cant remember sex

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat May 18, 2019 4:32 am

And so; I move the subject into the matter of sex. And this is especially good; for this is a subject of intimacy ; suggesting my dissociative disorder is waking up; Ive been putting pressure on the universe to heal me and make me remember; I lost almost all my memories of my entire history; and my childhood had a special altered block that separated itself from the rest of me.
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With dissociative amnesia; with me; specifically, at its height; I could remember faces; but nothing else; meaning; I could remember the school in my mind; or the area of the school but nothing else; I could not remember what went on in that school; its all blocked. I remember it was a bad place, and I was numb and dissociative and in traumatic shock and flunked out completely.
I remember the bully named squirrel that bugged me the very first day I was their. I was bullied the whole time and other bad things; I cant remember; but I do remember the horror of it.
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I was thinking of a women I dated in college for three years while at the University in the city on the coast. ITs a big stupid liberal city now.
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I remember this women but do not remember having sex with her; ever; only once maybe; I must have had sex with her 500 times; and I dont’remember anything other then her face or choice moments with her; but no intimacy; and I remember; I never wore a rubber ever; and yet, I never got her pregnant? Im not allowed to remember intimacy; and this is dissociative amnesia at its best. This is how it was with my whole life when I first started therapy for dissociative disorder. it was all amnesia; everything.
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Im trying to understand why Im not allowed to remember sleeping with this women; I cant remember anything; the bed, bedroom, that time of day; nothing; no remembrance; nothing. And I remember other things of that time period and Im not allowed to remember anything from that either.
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When I was continuously being hit with humiliation and failure; finally, my mind blanks it all out; and later its turned into dissociative amnesia; and this happened with every area of my life.
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Still; I wonder why I can remember having sex with her; not even once; not really.
...
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I was telling a mens meeting today; Im starting to talk about wife, money, career, vacations, houses, cars; normal interests; and this is a great move forward; but most of them dont appreciate any of this; but its important for me; I never talked like this before.
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I bring this up about sex; because Ive not been able to have sex; even if a women asked me for sex; I could not fallow through; and ive asked women out; but would not fallow through; even after a phone number; would not follow through; and Im trying to change that.
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Im not sure why I did not follow through; why! was I afraid of sex; maybe; maybe Im afraid of hooking up with them; I dont know. Seems odd.
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I had 2 women come to my apartment and want sex; I through them out; it freaked me out the way they showed up undercover of what they were doing their. They brought pizza and wanted to take selfies to show their girlfriends on facebook. But I chickened out; I ran off scared. And I dont know why; was I scared I could not perform very well; or I was frightened I was not big enough; I was 2 small and would be found out. Possibly I knew these were the wrong women to sleep with; I would get me into trouble later.
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Trying to get to the bottom of what I would watch porn but not sleep with women.

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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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