Because of trauma; because of hatred with the people who I was forced to live with as a child; what you call a mother and father; those monsters; because of AVPD/Dissociative Disorder/CPTSD/Agoraphobia/Sexual abuse/Abandonment; I cant be friends with women. But its non of those things I just claimed as the problem; I dissociate; so badly up close to being interactive with women; Im no longer present; Its like being schizophrenic. The point is;
.
Am I suppose to be around women and be their friend; yes; but so much PTSD goes off and I freeze up right in the middle of self; I mean right in the core of myself; and its so humiliating...
.
One answer is to slowly learn to tell the person about it so I dont get expectations about the situations. Because; how can anyone guarantee no pain or abandonment in a relationship; How. Impossible. What I want; I want to break through the dissociative wall. That wall went up during sexual abuse and farce abandonment that I did not see coming; and grief of loosing my house as a child and my way of life and the horrible damage to my mind PTSD. I lost everything and had to hold it all in. no more family or life or culture nothing; totally stripped of my life and everything associated with it. And so I have walls up; And these deeper walls keep women out.
.
Keeping women out vs having women as friends.
.
One area thats been missing with women is making them my friends; wanting to spend time with them and get to know them and laugh with them and all the other day in and day out stuff. I could not do it. The problem was; I didnt have sex with them either. I ended up doing nothing; nothing made any sense accept I didnt trust anyone. But then I never told a women what I wanted or didnt want; Why was I asking them out in the first place; for what? If I just wanted Sex; well; should have just told them that.
.
So; Ill work on this. One area that frustrates me is using some women; bad experiences against all women; And I do that all the time; pathologically... And I dont feel its wrong; but I know the core of self; all that horror and anger and rage and pain; but that has to do with my mother; over n over n over n over n over; a psychopath. And thats part of it; and other women when I was younger; those women in charge; but evidence indicates those women were also sociopaths and worse. So; it sucks I got stuck and humiliated by this filth; but that cant represent all people.
.
So; no relationships with women if I can be friends with them. And I dont move forward with women if I cant be friends with them.
.
I havent asked any women out in years. and before; when I did; I did nothing... I did not communicate with them or go out on a date with them; I have to really look at that; I didnt want to get hurt by anyone though interaction. But I have to get to a place they dont hurt me anymore: mean; where Im stronger then that and can date them.
.
So; I have a goal; its to become emotionally sane again and free with a new script of my past and once I feel safe again and not under siege; maybe I can approach and talk to women on a daily basis again. I can feel the dissociation and brain washing slip in as Im talking about it putting me to sleep; its automatic; this tells me this is an area that has not been addressed yet; lost of split personalty in this; 2 people maybe more; 2 sets of memories and beliefs.. Its very uncomfortable to write right now... So; opening this area up shows me the hope I had as a child and how I was crushed and im feeing a bit of both sides of that right now; its causing panic and discomfort. Im getting paranoid that something terrible is going to happen.
.
So; I have allot of scripting to do to become independent of my past and free to be me now. Im getting their; working toward it; but I can feel this section of my life; no recovery in this area yet; haven't touched it yet...
.
So; Its about me liking myself; and when I write like this; its only a matter of time that the universe give me what I want; the ability to be friendly and friends with women again. Right now its a place of complete dissociation; but it wont be for ever. Ill have to ask the universe to bring me the right women to associate with; women who are safe and of quality and who know God; that doesn't mean they dont like to play; it just means they need God in their lives and pray to God all the time just as I do in order to have spirituality. Im at the point where spirituality is where I get my life answers from.. So; its a day to day life with spirituality.
.
So; back to women and dissociation; What am I scared of; being trapped and turning into that sexually abused 12 year old; going into silent freeze mode; being like a robot controlled. Im afraid im going to turn into that again. Im not able to be physically free with women; im more like a robot. And that will take a lot of time to break... Breaking into that; I see the memories come at me of my Grandfather sexually harassing me and worse; I feel the intimidation; The intimidation is because I have no where to hide and no where to go and no one cares. No one cares who I was or if they ever saw me again or see me again; nothing. Im thrown away. Im of no value to everyone.
.
So here I am reliving this again. Im dissociating and what Ive learned; Go General; back off; back up. Im seeing myself talking to a women; Im also seeing the strong heavy back drop of the places I was raped and forced to live at; all coming out at the same time. I dont want to be with someone indifferent when Im working through triggering. Im not sure how to handle being triggered all the time by someone and working through it; I dont know. Im really getting triggered by writing this; its bad.
.
So; I can feel the pressure build as im writing this; I know Im on the right track to something; to my freedom; im hitting massive flashback walls and dissociating like mad while writing this. Horrible; but im on the right track.
.
I think I see the women in front of me as the rapist abuser; shes in the same frequency field as the abuser; she is the overlay to such things; a mix. She is the female abuser form of the abuser; something. all of them are. Thats what I have to work on; Im seeing my best friends house; all the horror at that place because they were using me and fake friends. When I went to stay with them; they treated me like I was an outcast second rate citizen; I was dumfounded and destroyed and scared and hurt and confused... Nothing made any sense. later I witnessed that it wasn't about me; it had always been that way; I just never had to see it before.
.
So; Ive got to pray about it; writing about it; and I will; Ill start writing scripts about women who have liked me but I freeze'd up around.
.
I can see so many different time periods cut off from people and from closer relationships. And all in a state of avoidance personality disorder and a gap where I was split from trauma. I still have that gap Im looking to shore it up; pull it back together; thats what Im doing now.
.
It scares me; all of this; its all so un protected and my life has been about protection for a very long long time; almost all of it. So; I would like to write more but im completely dissociating and very quickly into nothingness. I just wanted to make my point as I find myself learning how to build my life back myself on my own with Gods help and the support groups I have.