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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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I am working hard!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Mar 17, 2014 10:03 pm

Im working hard on my recovery.. The PTSD is the problem... I go from one world to the next to the next! I never land in reality. However, The more I confront the fear of people in the present, I get a little better in the present. Im looking to be more in the present not the past. Im confronting the present; the people in the present. Im letting others know Im scare of them! Im letting others know Im intimidated by them. Im letting others know my real fears and anxieties. Im letting them know in real time. If they cannot handle these things, I walk away. Im learning to walk away. Its horrible to make a decision against anyone. I feel like Im in a prison camp and Im going to be slaughtered if I don't do as Im told. I will be strangled if I don't do as Im told!

Im starting to break the mold. Im attempting to put cracks in it. Im fighting it from the inside out! The inside of me wants out. " let me out, let me out, let me out Mr PTSD" I want out! the inside is screaming to get out! not be fooled by lies anymore.

My mind is full of PTSD worlds from my childhood till now. Its amazing. Im not sure if I ever knew reality. I do not think so. I was in a protective fantasy bond early on. Now I'm here! The inside of my brain has been fantasy driven for the future.

I fantasized or dreamed of my future. My mother and father destroyed any chance of this! They created poverty in me! Im attempting to uncreate it. It looks Like Im gaining ground. It is very hard and time consuming. It takes massive work! ITs all consuming.

ITs simple. The more I learn to confront the present and let the truth out. The more present I am. The more I learn to tell others what Im going through, and the more I learn to deal with the people in the present; not be a victim of theres, the better I get responding to the present. The more I work on my recovery the less afraid I am to respond to the present!

Responding is the big deal! ITs what scares me most. Im responding to PTSD worlds and Im blind. I never start out to respond to PTSD worlds. I start out with an idea in the real world, but when I start to respond, my mind goes somewhere else and Im responding to the past! ITs like being completely blind! I am getting better, it is getting weaker; this never ending TV screen.



My mother has to go;

She is the biggest scare influence in my life! she is the biggest bully in my life. I was in the middle of my young childhood when she turned on everyone! she became an enemy of children and God and everyone!
I went from being protected by my father to my mothers meat object! I never survived this transition. I went into shock! She is an authentic sadistic sociopath! I had no idea when very young. My Father never allowed her to act out! She was a worthless kind of strange bird. She never took any social responsibility for anything! She had no conscious. It was abnormal for her to be a human being! she finally snapped and went back to being a predator! She faked her false normal life, long enough to fool my father! He was no better. She worked! She paid the bills! But that was between them not me! I was 8 years old!

I never knew who I was or who I was living with. I was surrounded by predators that hated children; they could kill children; it meant nothing to them! I was not aware of this in the beginning. I was not aware of what was going on! or why these people were acting strangely. I assumed they had my best interests in mind. They did not! They never had anyones interests in mind!

My childhood was false. The biggest problem; I did not know my childhood was false. I did not know it was coming to an end. Most abused children know things won't last. They know its coming to an end. I had no idea. I was not prepared for what was to happen. I had no idea My father would betray everyone in the family system. I had no idea what he was. He started talking about blaming everyone in this family for his personal problems; I was 6 years old when he was talking like this. I didi not understand why he would talk like this. Now I know; he was looking for an excuse to run off from the responsibility of taking care of a family. My oldest brother was hitting 10 years old, so we were no longer children; I was! My father was looking for away to get out of the relationship; he decided a cheap shot of blaming the family system. He had his fun. He never paid for anything! Now it was no more fun. We were not children anymore!

I had no idea who he was or was not. I had no business ever being around these people! Ever! he was a narcissistic sociopath! I had no idea. And it freaks me out to know this.

I miss my original house and friends and neighborhood; and this is the problem! I put effort in time and energy into this neighborhood and way of life as if I had established myself. I had no idea I was not safe! I had no idea who I was around! I had no idea the house I was living in and the neighborhood of My childhood was not real; meaning I was not from a stable background that I would be forced to leave. The last thing I ever thought ; someone would wreck my childhood. I simply had no idea I was living with this level of scum. I did not know they were scum. I had no adea this type of horror was to befall me! I had no preparation; thus the work of sociopaths against little children. They see no different between children or adults. All are objects to them; nothing more!

from love to scum; I was living with the most worthless low life of scum. I had no idea! I just did not have any idea of the kind of low life lawless, Godless scum I was living with. I had no idea my mother and father were child destroyers with no conscious! I did not know these things.

( Who or what ever these things were, I tried to have a relationship with them based on the idea they were human beings. I had no idea they were not! )


It makes me scared to death and sick to my stomach that these people had any right to be around me! Its horrible. I have no way to describe this! No way to describe any of this. Its horrible. My childhood was false. The town I came from was false.

All the friends I had were not real! They slammed there doors in my face as soon as I had to leave the neighborhood. I thought they were my friends. They were never my friends, they did not care if they ever saw me again; although I spent the night at there houses every weekend, and ate dinner with them all the time! all that time and I meant nothing to them, and they didn't care if I ever saw them again.

Was I hated and never knew it! I was considered throw away scum because I had to leave the neighborhood? probably; isn't this how it goes in these situations.

I thought I had value to people. I thought I was valued by people simply because I was a person. I had no value to people. And this causes one to become deranged. ITs a most unbelievable situation nightmare to be in. It is the most confusing, sickening thing to ever be apart of or live through! And all of this put on the back or mind and life of a 9 year old? it should have been illegal.

I was a decent person being tortured and treated like a second class citizen by scum. I was being called scum by scum,, when I was a decent human being; f@cking deplorable. And It was happening in real time. and it happened over n over n over n over n over! All sadistic abuse.

Now Im attempting to come out of this into the reality that sits in front of me on a daily basis. Im attempting to come into the outside world through the PTSD world. The PTSD world is a lie. It is in my head!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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