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OMNICELL
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How to love a women?

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Nov 01, 2015 6:01 pm

How do I love a women;

The problem;

Its legal that I do not know how ( in practical terms), to love a women! I don't! I don't know how to love a women! Ive never had an actual assurance of loving a women! Ive loved women and been in love with them! And had a soulmate potential! But it never got off the ground! So, technically, Ive not had a relationship with someone I loved! I had the beginning makings of such a thing! And its horrible that it did not last! Im so sorry! I got nailed by a psychopath and derailed and had to leave town! It was the only answer for my survival I could come up with! I was heartless toward her 9 my first love)! I turned on her and learned to hate her and have mistrust for her and her families money and social status level; I could not compete; and I did not accept her or her money or her families way of life! I did not appreciate having the value of my genuine God given love pitted up against the worldly perceived value of her families upper middle class status! It as evil to compare something of innocent love to some scum back ego based ritual like upper middle class money status! It's sicking! One comes from God, the other from the devil world; and I did not want to be around sycophants that could not discern the difference between what comes from God and what comes from the world! That is to indecent for me!


And turned on her! Im not sure if the hate I had for my first love was legit! I will have to work through it! But I was Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde! And that scares me! Ive really looked at this! And I came to a few principled conclusions!

1. Tell the person how you feel, then let them decide!

I was in a situation where I loved someone but had no future because I could not function as a human being; I needed someone that really loved me! And I think she could have! And know she could have! But I doubted it would be enough! She would never accept me as a failure in real life! I would always be struggling just to be present! And that would not be enough for her! She would want money! And this was my excuse for not staying with her! Why did I turn on her and use this manipulative weapon against her! I was jealous! And jealously breads hatred? Something like that! I had a hatred for the upper middle class!

I just wanted someone to love and I through it away! I had someone their; but I did not trust her because she came from 2 much money! How the hell would this work! I had no self esteem for anything! I could ride on the backs of those with self esteem to do things; but I couldn't do anything! I would not amount to much; not in the world! This was 2 much for me! I used this as an excuse not to love this girl! That but me in the roll of bully coward! This was a great great sin! And I payed for it! I turned my back on God when God was trying to help me out! And help the girl out!

I loved her; I truly loved her! She was perfect for me! Everything! Accept my understanding on commitment! I ran if I saw something wrong! Something in her character! If she showed one moment of being pathological or did not know right from wrong! I was oudda their!

The truth is; I did not follow through! She did! Thats why, when she left, she left clean! She owed me nothing! She had already submitted herself to me! I backed away; not her! Technically, I rejected her! She never rejected me! Never! She waited for me to make the next move, take her into my arms and make her part of me! And have a future with me! The reason she would have a future with me is because I truly and sincerely loved her!

One thing about women! You got to show them! If you love them; tell them all you want! But you got to sweep them off their feet physically or simply get the ###$ out! As irritating as this is for men! It is what it is! It's the nature of women! You must show up and show them! Touchy feely! You have to touch! You have to be present! You must show up and interact! You must! You must you must! You must man up; thats what it means!

I was set off backwards with this girl! Something went haywire; something went wrong! Something was wrong!

What went wrong; I did not feel good enough or apart of because of the psychopaths I was living with! I wanted away from these vermin! I was lied to and fooled by them once again! I was living in this new place based on their lies! I was not wanted! But technically they could not turn down my request to live with them; legalities! I was under age! They had to legally and politically!

These were sociopaths! They were not playing games! They abandon their first family, simply to find something else or better in a new family! They do this randomly as an act of superior freedom against inferior humans! They find weaklings to shack up with, within a new family! They manipulate new people! Unsuspecting new people! Charm them! Use them! Ruin their family, split it apart! They dump their last family and simply move away to a new location! They do not build a family or take responsibility for one! They are looking for a new ready made family to manifest their narcissism! " look at me, Im a celeb, if I can con my way into a new family of celebs; this proves Im a God"!

Anyway, I was dealing with real psychopaths and lost it and needed to get away and go back to my home town! But I dumped the girl! How I could have done this! I had enough with upper middle class people! I did not care anymore, they were worthless, useless and fake! They did nothing for me! Worthless!
Regardless, I used this against the girl! I thought; ###$, theirs no way! This girl does not know this about me! My background! She thinks Im like her and have a future! She knows nothing about my Un-solidness!

It was a bad situation! The fact is; I had a future with her! I don't know how! I was a bum! I was! I had no future and did not care about anything accept I loved her! That is all I cared about! Would it has been enough! Yes,! At first, but what about later! I had no stability or anything else! But I loved her! With all my heart I loved her! She did not betray me! Not at first! I betrayed her! Then I turned on her and blamed her; a form of cheap manipulation! So, this shows my character flaws I did not know I had! This was brought over from my past! From what happened at age 10! I was just trying to survive and did not know I had been fully abandon! I did not know! This was supposed to be my mother I was living with! I did not know I was living with a psychopath! I soon learned! I did not know the name to give this monster! But I began to understand what I was dealing with! And I needed to get the ###$ out of their as fast as possible!

What did I owe the girl! First rule; you tell her how you feel and let her decide! You tell her your fears of the future and let her decide! Tell her the truth and let her decide! My love for her must have had some value! Maybe not enough to sustain a real long term relationship! But I felt that if I was strung along in a relationship with her, I would be pulled away from my childhood direction and relationships that I was trying to build or build back! So I could get my family back and get things back on track! It almost sounds like I blame myself for what happened! I was responsible!

I was not responsible for anything; I was a kid! But thats not how I feel! Not really!

10 years later, I ended up calling the girl and telling her I loved her and that I had always thought of her as my best friend! I did this because Im an honorable man! She laughed and made a fool out of me on the phone and spit in my face! She did everything to make me feel less then and inferior and worthless; as if I was of a less class economically and didn't have a chance! Meaning, she could careless!
But deep down she did! But it was 2 late! But I did follow through the best I could!

When it comes to women; if you love them; you cant call them and just tell them; you have to go get them and sweep them off their feet! or they wont believe you! actions speak louder then words! but when it comes to love! you must tell them to their face that you love them; then sweep them off their feet physically! you have to show up and sweep them of their feet, words are not enough!


==================================================================================

Ok; back to the original question!

Those who forgive little; love little! There is the answer I was looking for! I love because I choose to love! If Im going to get invoked with a human, I have to forgive all the time and turn and love again! And this is how loving someone is done! Its how its done in the real world; this is the dance! You have to learn the rules to keep things alive and survive! I do these things to keep myself alive! And to prosper and live!

So. finding the right girl is a choice because I learn before this, how to love a girl! Meaning, about forgiveness! Those who forgive little, love little!

Somehow, it's not about the women! Its about the mans life! How he is rolling; if he has his life together!
No man wants a women that is going to sabotage everything; lead him on then ruin everything! Who the ###$ wants to be around an idiot like that! And I am very scared of attracting those type of degenerates!
Im not going to attract any-one of worth because they will expect to much from me! I wont be able to keep up or match up! With levels of standards comes status expectation! People see me as intelligent; they assume Im " one of them" I must have a good job! they think I have a good job! if I dont; Im out!

Shallowness! And I cant stand or deal with shallow people! I don't want it! I don't want women who do not know right from wrong, and I do not want shallow women around me! I cant stand it!

I seem to give women allot of power to influence and control me! Im truly frightened of them; scared to death of them! Loath them; the idea of them and what trouble they can cause me!

Its as if I have to start WW3 because a women is going to hurt me! " I cant walk away?"! It's interesting and strange!

Women have to much power over me and control! Im to intimidated by them! And this is hate and anger based and loathing based towards women; passive aggression! And I suppose this is from my Mother and Grandmother! My Grandmother was just as despicable as my mother! They were both rude arrogant people who walked over all your worth and boundaries! My Grandmother had no conscious! She was a different sort of sociopath! Different variation! I wouldn't call her a narcissist! She had no conscious! No yesterday! And she never asked you how you felt or who you are or what your future would be!
She had no understanding of anything! She didn't want one! She was intelligent and could help with a business they were in; Grandparents! But had no conscious! Nothing human! No discernment for right or wrong or feelings when it came to being human! She could or would nurture me at times; make milk shakes for me! But cared nothing about my schooling or future! So; really, what good was it! It was nothing; it was a ######6 joke! You can keep your milk shakes; ###$ these degenerates!

She used to scream at my mother because my mother had abandon us; sold everything and left town! My father was long gone! He had talked about betraying the family because no one was on his side! He talked like this when I was 7 years old! No adult has the right to talk to a child like this; no one! This is wrong! Its horrible! All of it! It is what it is! And one was a sociopath and the other a psychopath! And thats what you get! Its horrible and unfortunate!

The goal is to get into recovery and restore with Gods help; what was supposed to be! I certainly was unprepared for all of this! I had no idea any of this would be my future!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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