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Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- July 2019
Star trek
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Never being loved
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High School
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the strange world of getting better did
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This is not going to be easy.
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Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
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The Beatles
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A place exists
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I have CPTSD
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Coming back into the present
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Starting from the beginning
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The trap house part 2
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The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
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Massive Mega paradigm shift
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First post recovery conversation
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Dating and Art
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childhood abandonment
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Preview: PTSD; High School
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Ive found some answers
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Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
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critical voice
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Toxic shame
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Ive found some answers
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Hope; its coming!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon May 30, 2016 12:31 am

It's coming; the ability to work through the past! Get rid of the old memories and people and places and things! And move on into my life! The life and decency I was supposed to experience in the first place; what God had intended in the first place!

The problem; Im alone! I have 12 step meetings and psych stuff and online stuff! I haven't been able to function because of full dissociative disorder! However, Ive gotten better!

Now, It's a slow movement to letting go of the past, all of it and the heart break of it! And what caused the heartbreak! They are monsters! All of them! Thats the bottom line! In fact; the general feeling I get from most of the neighborhood I lived in is; they were always monsters and creating more monsters! Upper level well educated sociopaths; or something close!

Its monstrous to concede of what I went through! Not one person bothered to ask me who I was or what I was around! No one cared who the real me is! Or any other part of me! No one cared!

I was a victim! I was still under age; so, they're going to hell!

They had the audacity to ask me if I was a thief who stole from them; they had the audacity to suggest I was just living off them when I came to live with them my senior year of high school! They n ever asked me a question! They simply wanted to get rid of me! Why did they invite me in the first place! They were never fiends of mine; non of them! I did not know! I was clueless to this!

It's so bad; all of this, its enough to make a person pass out! Its incredible! And not one person stood up for me! Or cared! Nor did they ask questions! No one was concerned; they were monsters! All of them!


The point is; I have my dreams! But they require a normal decent life! And I must ask God for help to get back on my feet to continue with my life! Its horrible! I thought I would be surround by people that loved and cared about me! Instead I find no friends! They lied! And no family; all psychopaths and sociopaths; and the relatives; no different! Non of them! However, the other relative families are high brow and want nothing to do with me! Or people like me!

The relatives on the mothers side created her; they were monsters! So, on both sides, there is nothing! I was destroyed from being around them! Its that simple! And I had no place to go or run!

The point is; Im now strong enough to see the past and attempt to dissolve it and live in the present! As Ive been building a life in the present with dreams and goals and people!

I would not be surprised if Im married in the next couple of years! Ive got plans!

The goal is to keep smashing through the memories! The goal is to keep working with God to build a new future the way it was supposed to be in the first place! The goal is to become the person of value around myself and others that I know I am!

Ive been embarrassed and ashamed from my past! I was thrown away from everything and everyone and over whelmed! And I found a society that could careless! And how they treated me meant nothing! If I hung from the end up f a rope; no one would loose any sleep over it or even think about it!

So, all of this has taken some time! And its very hard work to go back into memories and rework things, to come out of these memories back into the present! And happening though!

What Im left with is myself! And nothing more!~ from anything of my past! It all must go, including anyone that harmed me in anyway!

The problem was; who to trust in the present! Ive done enough work in the present! But have no family! There is only me! There are strange 12 step groups! That is all! And some psych stuff, meetings, and therapists and stuff; and some Christian 12 step groups! But nothing personal with anyone!

I was unprepared for what happened to me! Anyone would be; its so bad, so God awful! I remember my father Playing the roll of father at 4th of July! As if everything is normal! Nothing is normal! This person is secretly planning to leave! He has no intent on caring about who is in this house hold! But he tells no one! No children had a clue! But he did! He knew from the beginning! He is simply exploiting children to play these sick games with them! Why did he do this; simple! Legal!

It was legal for these sycophants to do anything they wanted to us because legally they were taking care of us! Its that simple! The reason they played games with us, or played us; because their was no one else! It was easy targets!

I have to process this out! I have to process this atrocity somewhere?

Im in the middle off processing everything out!

Brothers; their are non! I had no relationships with these people! I did not know who or what they were! Now I know! I used to blame the psychopaths because they never developed! but now I realize; they were never going to develop regardless! They were not what I thought they were! they were monsters! at east one of them; the other is a pathological re degenerate! They are not people I would associated with! I wouldnt!

This means I spend the remainder of my life away from these creeps! all of them! its all horrible,

So, I'm migrating back to a life and a life without these people of the past! I write letters to them and say goodbye;

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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