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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Hobbies: obsession can be a good thing...

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jan 06, 2012 11:47 pm

Its these dissociative conditions I want to over come that I be more consistent doing music work on my computer at home. At home in the safe hobby zone. At home is a safe bet to work. It seems like Im getting closer to the ability to make more of a commitment to the art process. I have not been able to because of the Psychiatric strangulation to my nervous system and thoughts. When theres a war in my head. No one gets out alive. especially consistency. No consistency.

Im looking for a little obsession. It would be welcome. I have addiction problems so I know obsession. Now, if I can switch in before I switch out, I might have a chance at building this hobby...

consistency is the issue . The breaking points of consistency. To much reality comes at me from every angle when Im to present. Flooded with past present and future all at once is overwhelming. I shut down in ways I cant control. Who's going to do the work.. I am willing to look for solutions. Why Im here on this Psych forum site. For solutions.. At a deeper secretive level, Im finding some of them.

The same anxiety that I find using my computer music software is occurring around large groups of people.

abandonment:

When Im using the music software and something goes wrong. I freak, and freeze up. I hate , go into a rage and cannot continue. This is exactly what happens when Im around a large group of people I freeze up, have to go to the back of the room and I start taping, close my eyes and try to hang on without dissociation.
I end up getting pushed out of my area by others.Others, being people that I don't like or that are trying to cause me damage or pain. I end up getting away from these people that I cant trust.

I feel the same lack of trust for the computer program Im using when their appears to be no solutions to a complex problem. I look for help online and cannot find it. More frustration... The same frustration of abandonment that Ive felt all of my life..

The anxiety is the same for both situations. And its enough of the same kind of anxiety that I am trapped. Trapped by this type of lethal anxiety. At-least I can see parallels beginning to emerge.

I want to crawl under a Christmas tree and hide.

What can be done about it. That is where my work is heading. Solutions . On the spot solutions to these problems. One of the solutions is familiarity with the battle ground. If I have to turn the software into a battle ground then so be it. I will have to work through the problems to the point that I get good enough to work in and out of the software with no problems. And if that can happen, then I have learned to conquer great pain and fear. As for people, its getting out of the freeze mode and moving away from trouble people. Getting away from then before I get consumed by them. Many people have control problems, And many people want to be worshiped like their Gods,. I wont no part in any of it.
Last edited by OMNICELL on Sat Jan 07, 2012 6:21 am, edited 4 times in total.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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