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Consumer 6
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- July 2021
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Economic and sexual abuse when a child.
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moving forward in through the past. Learning how to express
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The hard work of things.
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High School

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jul 22, 2019 3:54 am

High school
Im feeling it; Im feeing the horror of High school and the horrors of what happened; I was in a city on the coast; and I was all alone; I joined that area at age 14 between 8th and 9th grade.
I tried to have a good attitude; but no way; I was heading into hell and had no idea. I was going to be destroyed because I was heading to live with a psychopath. But at that age; I had no idea; and I had to get out of the situation I was in; I was being bullied everyday... I was being raped and sexually harassed. I had been in a state of complete trauma. I was drowning in trauma. I was flunking out of school the whole time; no one cared. I was in a state of traumatic shock; their was no help in those days; no therapists; no one cared.
I had no family; so I moved; It did not turn out well; at first; the first 3 months worked; I met a girl up the street and I was trying to be popular in school; this lasted a few months; unfortunately; I was around the wrong people; I was trying to be popular with everyone. The problem was; I was not doing anything in school ; I was flunking out in school completely; because I was traumatized and PTSD was running in my system and my personality had been destroyed and I was BPD from the trauma.
I had no chance of survival; and I failed in school at all the times. And that schooling is what I needed; thats what I needed. I needed that part of my life fixed; I still need it fixed; Im still traumatized by it; completely; Im not sure I can do well in a class room; I could never trust the process ever again; reading and quizzing myself and studying and taking tests; impossible. really impossible. Impossible to believe.
Im trying to get over that period of my life; I tried to be popular at first; it went down hill fast because I was completely alone. It was worse then going down hill; I was being thrown away again. And the reason; I was never part of anything in the first place; this women; psychopath; had found a new host; he had children; and so; she moved to the coast with this family; and I had been thrown away long ago... I had to get out of my situation; I had no family; no more father or mother; they were gone. So; I tried to go live with my mother; I had to try anything or to believe that maybe this time things might come back to normal. but this was a psychopath; and nothing would ever be normal; I tried to act like; if I lived with her again; things would naturally work out; It did not; I was burned out after 6 months. I tried to get love from being popular; I was not wanted where I was living; No one cared what happened to me. I was actually hated with contempt; but it was covert; The only reason I was allowed to live their; my mother could not explain to her new host why she would not allow her own children to live with her; and that is the only reason.
So; I had no chance; I was destroyed over on the coast; demoralized in the school system; bullied and flunked out; no one cared; and many other bad things; and I did not understand why I was not liked or wanted; I was turning into a classic child that was being destroyed; and in many cases; children finally kill themselves; and I was one of them; heading dangerously to this; and I had a massive depression caused by living in these situations. No one cared.
In high school; their was no schooling; nothing; no school work or classes that made any sense; it was ridiculous; surreal. The point is; it was more then a failure. My schooling was being destroyed. I was destroyed.
So; Now; I want to come back from all of these years of being destroyed; face them and feel proud of myself and come back to someone that is present and proud of themselves and able to converse with others and see whats happened to me in past tense; More then anything else; I want to see whats happened to me in the school systems as past tense; thats whats so frustrating; its still got me; flashbacks; pain, fear, PTSD. CPTSD. I want it gone; I want it out of my system; I want the past to stop living in me and I want to live in me and be present and move on to being a better person who is real around others and present. Tuff stuff....
Because Im getting my original identity back; Im fighting to work through all areas of my life that were effected by trauma. Im looking to focus on the 60's; a good time period; and move on; I want all other experiences deflated and worked through and not focused on; I see them as past tense; and then focus on the good things I was accomplishing in the 60's and use that as the base for my personality; nothing else. And its possible with time and many dominant new stories, I can change the view of my life. However, a rupturing effect occurred when young; I had several clear breakdowns from reality over over; and this is no small affair. this is serious damage; very dangerous serious damage to my life. It caused permanent separation from reality where I never came back. I had been destroyed numerous times that cause separation from reality; creating this gaps between my personality and a new personality that had to be formed to protect me. I was becoming a form of schizophrenic. I was deep horrible dangerous trouble; long lasting deterioration to my mind and nervous system; to everything; a mind genocide. Someone had tried to carve out my mind; but my mind fought back; the results; a twisted mangled mass of chopped up comatose multi deregulated function within what was left of my mind and nervous system.
The point is; I want to position myself from the point of view of the 60's and nothing more; and act as if I'm moving forward from that point; but the experiences of later time are dominating in my thoughts; and I want them worked out; looked at as failures not to remember; Well; they weren't failures; I tried to survive; but had no chance; and I want to see it that way; I fought to the end and I was destroyed and never had a chance; I was over ran from the beginning of everything. the only chance I would have had; never go their in the first place; that was the only answer to anytime I associated with my mother; never go their ever again; but at that age; impossible to know anything; so terrible for a child; so dam horrible to have a child's life snuffed out in front of the world with no shame or consequences; nothing.
The point is; the damage; the damage was lethal. I ended up completely gone mentally and put on social security for the rest of my life... Im lucky to be alive and I would like to be proud of the fact I'm alive and would like to be able to hold conversations with others and feel good about myself and be present. And Im closer and working toward it but dissociation creeps in and takes over and Im back being controlled by CPTSD. and its so frustrating.
Im trying to create new stories for myself as if I came from a home with brothers and a mother and father and I have my own room and I can go upstairs and make art work safely. thats is the goal; that is the new story of my life; thats what I want to see. In addition to this; I will create more story of my life after 10 years old; going into everything I ever wanted for my life; and creating these stories until my subconscious believes it; and hopefully I can start acting this new part of a better developed social person; I can start acting it around others.
Im so freaked out around people; Im not able to get close to anyone; its better; but Im still freaked out. Im still co dependent and still people pleasing. And I want to become independent around others. Free to open up and look at people in the here n now and listen to them and talk confidently as if life is good and everything is good and everything is working out for me; because it almost is.
Areas CTPSD: are still affecting; Music creation, Art creation, dating women, getting close to women, conversations with women. And listening to others when their talking; be completely present for them... So; still much work to do.
Also; work or career; extremely effected; horribly effected; ill have to create new stories about all these things and keep working at it; keep creating new stories until they dominate over the old stories of my past life; Still lots of work to do; but things are changing and I'm getting stronger and my identity is strengthening and Im healing and Im looking forward to getting better.
People still intimidate me; Im scared around them; and in front of them; I want to be stronger and stand up for myself; not dissociate from CPTSD.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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