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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
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   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

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Heres a new twist; positive outlook!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 27, 2017 3:22 pm

A very large and strange thing is happening spiritually! my life is like a tornado; I was carried of from it when young and never to be seen again! I asked God for help! he brought another tornado, it carried me off from the present and reversed all experiences from that point onward until I started landing in the same place I was a child! Its as if everything has been reversed! As I go through new experiences, I realize in shock; Ive been through these experiences before! I am re living old experiences through other people! Each new (old) experience takes me one step further through my life backward! As I slowly work through the past, it disappears as an element of focus or concern; Im no longer trapped their!
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Im finding that Im falling through a vortex whole back to where I started from! My programming is being bi passed; it is weak from all the years of constantly traumatically through it; sifting for evidence that the past is not what it appeared to be or as valuable as I would have thought at the time!
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As God reveals the past to me; I see shock n horror and control by others I thought were friends! Now; I not so sure; they were never nice people in the first place; I forgot!
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As I work through the goal of my life; mental health! Im actually being brought back to 3 years old and those memories; 3 1/2 years old, 4 years old; actually! In those times, I was not programmed yet! and then Im now; that is how God is fixing me! Its like " Time Machine" on a Mac pro; if their is a programming glitch; just revert back to the beginning of when the machine was new and put the independent untouched programming back in!
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Im remember how original I was as a kid! and Im now feeling it and remembering it and those memories are starting to become me once again; anything beyond that age is erased; why?, it has no independent value; it has been judged by me, by the child in me and God! and the redeemable has been taken in front of God; and God has told me Im free and can go!
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Im now evidence beginning to be free of most of my past! It does not have a leg to stand on; as I do not believe it or in it or that it stands for what I thought it stands for! I thought I had lost everything! evidence would suggest that " everything" was not so important! So, I let go of it and I get my life back!
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Dealing more traumatic fearful officially, out of my hands; these take longer; not so easy to undo at first, but with time and some courage, things happen! and their happening!
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Hardest thing left to deal with is experiences being thrown away as a child and sexual abuse; this is not fun working through this; its scary and demoralization!
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The point is; Im now seeing a bigger picture and the child memories; the good ones of self independence; where I lived and took care of my own needs as a child; I mean, I never ran home they've their was a problem in my childhood; grabbed my father and told him to help me! I left home, went to school, dealt with it, went to my friends house or had other plans; I only saw my parents for dinner, spent the rest of the time dreaming and building things and watching star Trek on TV! and then I dreamed about the night, and got up the next morning preparing for the rest of my dreams!
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Today, Im starting into the life of a child; much like Ive every-time in the previous paragraph! God has created a situation of described where Im turning into the child before I was damaged! or the memories of damage! of course, anyone from an abuse back ground; God knows what they were doing to me from ages 0-3! and I live with those effects! However, things are appreciation for me! Its like a tornado picked me up, reversed its wind tunnel direction, I starting re living my life in a backwards order, re living bad events, once re lived, the reversing with the wind, one after the other until Im back in childhood again and dont remember any of the later years! disappeared been dismissed as a waist of good hard disk space!
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On another note; Im getting tired of the 12 step meetings, only because I want more! I want more for my life! I want a different life! in order to do this; I have to know what I want; what I really want, and be able to put it down on paper! For example! the type of women I want around me; I want them falling all over me and in love with me and approaching me! I dont anyone else! I want women I can trust and no others! and today, that is not the case, Im not living around the right people! I dont know who to trust! I dont trust the middle classes or upper middle classes! any of them; I think they are all murder's! all of them! I trust anyone! so, who or what do I want! thats the problem! taking chances on planet earth!
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What ever Im thinking is represented out in front of me! Im creating my own world in front of me; thats that problem! Im in pain so Im creating a scenario of pain!
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So, the new hard work is going to allowing my imagination to up the scales on who I am and what I want!
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I was at this meeting this morning and a women in this meeting was staring at me! I hate it because I get manipulated by it! I dont believe she wants anything more then attention seeking! I dont know! and Im not sure I have to care! Im trying to come up with rules when dealing with women; I dont trust any of them! nothing! they are so 2 faced, I cant be around any of them; some of them! most I cant; they have no right or wrong about them; I dont trust it! nor do I trust them!
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I would love to be around women I can trust! So, I have to start creating it in my head! However, the problem is, Im associating middle classism with these women and that distorts everything!
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Im in the middle of a strange new growth experience!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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