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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/here_again_b-5903_sid-dea41e84d730b4596ef035de78f21b35.html

Author:  OMNICELL [ Sat Nov 23, 2013 11:05 pm ]
Blog Subject:  Here again

I really don't feel like writing a blog, but Im going to anyway...

The 2 or three areas Im working with are

1. Mother

2. future girlfriends

3. Art work'; music, art, writing, drumming, and other stuff.

First;

Its happening again! I have found another girl I like and Im pulling back further and further out of contempt and fear.. I don't feel good enough. I feel immature and scared and timid and shy and bashful and Im trying to hide it!

I find a girl I life and run!? So much damage and confusion and fear and hate. Yet, it has to be broken; this attitude. Possibly, I have to go out with the person first and try dating for awhile. try it and see what happens... Thats the next step, However, that takes me back into PTSD land... and Im so scared that I can't cope or keep up! I will pull back and go into my cave and never return... Im scared of everything.
I will continue to pray about it..

I have found people are interested in me and have tried to get close to me! However, Ive pushed them away claiming Im being hurt by them! its all #######4! Its the inside of me crying out again! I have to stop blaming the other person for how I feel.

I hate this condition because it makes it so hard to date anyone. Dating is simple. You find someone you life and ask them out.. My pride and secrets are getting in the way!

Ive already talked to this girl a bit! She came up and hugged me once... but her arrogance set me off, and the feeling like she was trying to create the friend zone. Actually I don't care about all that stuff. Im afraid of rejection. ITs like my mother all over again. So I have all this baggage with this person that will be concentrating on their baggage and not mine...

I know she likes me; Im a guy and I know. but time is really running out!

Im scared like a 10 year old. Im better.....

I have to keep working and practicing on all this stuff....

Mother; Im afraid Im seeing her more clearly. My God, I don't know what to think! She was a monster! A true sociopath! It makes me sick. Its like the criminal based police movies you watch of bad people, and she is one of them! and I am the real victim! Its so hard when your the real victim of something of a large horrible debilitating scale. Theirs no way to describe it!

Im just trying to make things happen... and I can't!

Pride and what people think of me is getting in the way.. I think I have it going on! I have nothing going on. Its this fight between being a legend in my own mind vs having nothing in the real world.

Im in love with myself because I don't love myself.

I like this girl and did not act on it because Im like a 5th grader, and can't act on anything dealing with girls; arrested development. But it doesn't stop me from looking a porn all the time. Not sick porn; just women....

Its strange, I will look at beautiful women on the enter net and want them. I will have beautifully girls in the real world like me and want me, but I can't move!

Everything to me is treachery! Everything is treachery in some form. I can't tell who is or who is not. Im sick....

Im sick and I won't get well... And Im to sick to be with other people...

Something is stopping me from having a girlfriend... Im scared to death! Im scared because Im 7 years old. I mean, is that all it is; Im uncomfortable.

Im really messed up! my mother was a sociopath, and I was destroyed internally in a clinical very serious way!@ Im extremely messed up and damaged...

SO what do I do!

One answer is to go forward anyway, fake it till I make it! This might be the only answer for me!

and, practice. I have to stay present to practice. I have to work on talking to others and coming out of my shell.

Why is it so heart braking. I think its the beginning of the merge of the present and the past.

acceptance, that I have to work at things, and that I have to get to the point of asking people out to coffee. Heal up enough for this event, and My head starts spinning when I think of this and my gut starts caking/baking and I feel like a 6 year old.. Im scared because its an indication of the heartbreak of whats happened to me... However, I also know , its important that the enemy does not win! and that is important. I have to keep working forward for this reason.

I have to keep working forward for people like Alanna and others who will never get a chance in this world, their life will be a sick pain amplifier if they don't kill themselves first.

Also, I feel no compassion for people. I sense and see it in me! but others are here for me to debase and used and hate! Great! did I say that.

Im a sociopath with a conscious, that is how it feels. but Im not, I was destroyed by sociopaths and I had a conscious regardless of what was done to me, and I was tortured, and what I speak about here is that torture,

And my mother and father are responsible for that torture, therefore, that makes them murderers or the equivalent. and Im trying to make sense out of this and what they did! They tried to destroy everything and everyone before they left! So there would be no trace of there crime.

Im not sure who to associate with.. Ive been at the meetings, and they are to volatile. To many people are rough players. I have some that have liked me! Yet, it seems worthless to continue. Continue to expect any thing from them... I need to get to the point that I can meet other people and interact with them.. And this is going to be a big big thing.

Should I attempt such stuff at meetings, or these meetings, I don't know. Its a good place to grow! but no one is real, they are self centered.

So the last parade is social! I have to step back and look at my boundaries, they are the biggest problems. I have none because of the PTSD problems... I can't protect myself, therefore, my defenses are naturally way up!

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