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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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healing with out the family of origins

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Oct 13, 2012 3:44 am

Its a tricky deal: to heal and wake up, only to find its 30 to 40 years later... no family, no memories that make any sense... All memories were backwards, I was living in a fantasy bond that allowed me to see the outside world as a happy hope filled place. It was not. I had to reach out beyond the original family system at the time and connect with other human beings.. I assumed they were all good people that loved and cared about me. I thought I had found safety. I thought I was happy… How wrong could I have ever been. I meant nothing to know one, and no one remembers me or cares that I was a friend or that I was alive or that I was born,.,

I assumed the people I grew up with were good people; they were not.. my judgement of them were rendered useless when I failed to realize I had no real information to back up my claims that these people were my friends and cared about me, or that they were nice people. These people I associated with were bad people. They were the sociopathic Elite.. Some where in the middle. Human enough to pass with a smile; the rest of the character dowsed in hatred and contempt for the poor. I found myself with the privileged spoiled upper middle class.. Absolutely the wrong people to ever know or ever get near... They will murder anyone to keep there money.; money they lay claim to... They think of no one else but themselves... and they are trained that way from birth.. They are trained into privilege, yet they claim to be hard working and humble. Its a lie, someone gave them a safe place to study, and a good place to practice work skills. They only sort with there own kind.. They are murderers.. people have to die that these people live as they wish… Its privilege a good name that they be Elite.. Not my kind of people.

I am blaming these people for what they are.. However, what I find fascinating is my apparent inventory of these people. In the original novel I believed what I wanted to believe. I was off 100%... I am worth to much to ever be around or surround by this type of trash.... Im a decent honorable person... What a despicable discovery that I was not wanted. I was not murdered by friends that turned on me... I was never around friends in the first place. I was murdered by the enemies of God. Now, more memories are waking up from other parts of me that witnessed things that were not in favor of these peoples character. I look back now at these people and wonder how I could have ever associated with them. I must have been out of my mind.. I meant nothing to these people, and they were not able to understand people of depth and character as myself... They didn't have to! They never saw the real me and never cared if they did... Even in childhood something must have been wrong and I never knew it! They had no interest in really being a friend.. I always thought that child world was real.. It was not... God was real...

I am a miracle.. Unbelievable, I was sick as long as Mandela was in prison in Africa... more then 30 years...

Ive been sick all of my life... This healing is a blessed gift from God.. Many people do not heal like this... Many people are not willing to go as fare as I have or do the work when asked to do the work… or to stick it out for years and years and years….

I can see myself with an independent life once more, with no past... that is a big daddy to chew... it will take time to let go of all things past. The past is dead roots, nothing important to hang onto.... I put my life on those roots, assuming they were alive and green, to my shock, they were dead... the world I came from was not worth saving.... none of it, nor no one in it.. Most of the pain was from the great loss of relationships.. However, I know now it was a child protection fantasy bond that allowed me to think I was surrounded by people that loved and cared about me. They did not.. Not one of them...not one of them ever saw me or thought about me or knew me, even when hanging out with them. it was all in my head, much like the movie " a beautiful mind". It will take some time to understand all of this.... I will get better and strike a claim in the world again..

D.I.D. is down... I've had allot of cooperation from my alters.. I've integrated at different levels..

Agoraphobia is low

AVPD is being broken up... This is do to healing and a reworking of developmental experiences that are building curious confidence.. Just a start of these specific walls, tortures and dissociations falling.. The fear of coming back is leaving....

ITs as if Im getting filled up... filled up to the point that I can be independent with my own thoughts of glory and achievement...

Mom and dad are not with you for ever; they are with you until eighteen biologically speaking... This is great news. This means a person can fix the beginning years, fill up, and trigger the independent nest stuff that happens to all functional 18 year olds who want to leave the nest, Its slowly triggering in me now at 50...

Ill take it!... Life! Better at 50 then to never have it happen.. And for a great deal of the population they are raving lunatics by the time they are 50, more freaked and enraged, scared and insecure then when they were 20. I am truly lucky in this life...

Life is still hard: lots of symptoms, mass misunderstanding….. Im alone… hard to connect with others…. Its all OK……

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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