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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Im still to young
   Fri Oct 18, 2019 4:36 pm
Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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healing

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Sep 01, 2012 4:16 am

My mother and father did the unthinkable.. The thing that scares every little kid to death....

What would happen if you lived on a nice street in a nice little middle class town.... You were secure with a nice family, brothers, mother , father, friends, school... relatives... Your future was set...

Then the unthinkable...

Your mother and father split up... Your mother turns out to be a sociopath that does not know you... As soon as your father is gone... You are given the choice of direction... Who will you go with... You decide to go with your father has he loves you... he has kept the family together up to this point..

You are now living with your father in an apartment... You notice a few things... Your father is never around,,, you are not noticed anymore... There is little food... You notice that your interests are of no interest to your father.. YEt he has no problem bringing home 18 year old college girls and banging them in the shower... you get this strange sick feeling that only a child that is abandon can get. You realize your father is a predator.... He paid attention to you before because your mother was paying the bills... You never knew this... He was a sociopath....

You come back to live with your mother... She has a surprise for you... She is moving to the coast... She is not interested in you or your dreams or your future... You are through,, ,You are finished and you know it... Your whole life will vanish, along with your plans, your stability, your friends... everything... You know that this women that is in charge of things is not connected to you... You know she will let you die... She does not care about you... She wants to get rid of you...

My mother and father abandon me at the age of 9. I never really saw them again for any real reason... Meaning, I was from a past marriage. I did not exist anymore to these people. They moved on and found new people to marry... They left my self and my brothers behind... No one loved us or cared about us... I left my house and neighborhood and was never able to return...

I was forgotten as a person from that neighborhood... No one wanted to know me after I left... I was erased..

My mother acted as if she did not know me... I was a stranger... I was hated and treated like a second class citizen.... This means I was never liked when I was born... She was never present when I was a child... My father kept her in her place that she could not act out and cause trouble for the rest of the family,.... However, she was paying for everything... So he was no better.....

I was abandon... These people never treated me the same after the divorce... They acted like it was all a fairy tail they were having fun with... I was just and object or pawn to have fun with until I became to old to pick up... Once I was past 7 years old I was off no interest anymore...

My mother was a man hater and a sadist... by the time I was an adult... I was completely disabled psychologically... I am lucky to be alive... Thus is the result of forced interaction with sociopaths...

----------------------------
Im at the point of dealing with this torture... Im at the point of dealing with the major abandonment issues.... This is good, However this is hard.... And many others abandon me as well.... No one were has they seem... I was alone...

My brothers and I were split off, I was at my grandmothers house.. my brothers else where.. everything was destroyed and it will never return ever.....
---------

The goal at this point is the attachment of memories. beginning.. It is incredibly hard.... In Gods time..

I would like to get to a point that I can get back to being productive in the arts... I will have to get past the main explosions of the past and the long term CPTSD>.......Is this possible.. I don't know...!

---------------------
All family members are gone now... or they are strangers... What a horrible let down... Or a horrible tragedy.... No one cared, everything fell apart until it was no more.

My father told my mother that she could take her and her kids and go strait to hell.... My mother was not my mother... She was a sociopath... She had no connection to humans... My father was signing my death certificate when he left... However, he was a narcissist.. He didn't care and never really came back and never thought about it and never looked back.. neither did my mother... They were gone... I was left out in no where... I was truly alone... I froze up and blanked out... I never came back to reality... And soon, more harsh prison camp style realities that will leave my mind ruptured and permanently altered...
What bothers me is the callousness of the ( so called) friends I had from this neighborhood.. I was no more important to anyone then the local fire hydrant... As soon as I left no one remembered my name.. This includes my best friend... its as if I never met him.. or met anyone else... All conditional...
Middle or upper middle class murderers...
They murder the poor while they listen to there Christian tapes at the family tables...

I was tortured
I was raped
I was humiliated, treated like an animal, abused.... and more and more....
It was like living in a prison camp....
I was like a robot from the PTSD camp...
I should have never lived very long.. My mind was gone... D.I.D. is what saved me... I have to remember; my mother tried to murder me... Slow murder....


Now at 50 years old... Im am interested in working through some of this... The parts that I can... It is possible...

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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