Im 56, and Im slowly heading into the world again of a young 20’s; think Van Life; and I dont mean retirement. I mean; beginning Van Life; about the same emotional age; but Im 56. Im OKe. I earned it. I earned the right; Im attempting to head toward this; what ever this means. its me getting ahead. I have to learn how to manifest what I want.
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Ive got a problem; the ages from 7 to 13; specifically10- 11-12; and the horror and shock of such things and 13. At age 9; The horror of being thrown away, having no original house or parents anymore. Completely numbed.
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I see the desolation of that period; I was bullied all the time from every direction. I was in a state of complete shock and trauma. I did not know how to function or act in these new horrible places.
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And It is way over my head; all that happened to me and all of the loss; the hardcore horror of this; freight and becoming disabled by it.
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The point is; I dissociate from it now; this part of the past. Im hoping it can be the past and the real me comes through into the present. Its overwhelming for me; what happened to me; and if I cant deal with it now; guess what it was like going through it; I have massive PTSD over it; CPTSD. So, its with me all the time and captures and kid-napps my head.
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My goal is to work through this section of my time; of the past. I want my mind back; its not mine. I continue to get redirected to age 11 or 12; a time of fear terror fright unknown and ruin. I want past that moment of ruin; I want past it; for It to stop; that personality stopped. I want to go beyond it ito the present and have memories and thoughts in a new life.
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Im lonely; without the internet; I would have nothing at all; Ive worked on dissociative disorder in strange places as a drifter; never really fitting in anywhere. So; this will be something I take to the universe for help.
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ITs all very sad. For I am not ending up anything like I dreamed when young; most of my life is about survival. I want control of my choices and my life; now I have to work toward it.