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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/heading_into_a_strange_form_of_adult_life_b-12750_sid-6fc7b67750f7f4f8638fa66ca5dc3b44.html

Author:  OMNICELL [ Sat Apr 20, 2019 11:12 pm ]
Blog Subject:  Heading into a strange form of adult life

Im 56, and Im slowly heading into the world again of a young 20’s; think Van Life; and I dont mean retirement. I mean; beginning Van Life; about the same emotional age; but Im 56. Im OKe. I earned it. I earned the right; Im attempting to head toward this; what ever this means. its me getting ahead. I have to learn how to manifest what I want.
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Ive got a problem; the ages from 7 to 13; specifically10- 11-12; and the horror and shock of such things and 13. At age 9; The horror of being thrown away, having no original house or parents anymore. Completely numbed.
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I see the desolation of that period; I was bullied all the time from every direction. I was in a state of complete shock and trauma. I did not know how to function or act in these new horrible places.
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And It is way over my head; all that happened to me and all of the loss; the hardcore horror of this; freight and becoming disabled by it.
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The point is; I dissociate from it now; this part of the past. Im hoping it can be the past and the real me comes through into the present. Its overwhelming for me; what happened to me; and if I cant deal with it now; guess what it was like going through it; I have massive PTSD over it; CPTSD. So, its with me all the time and captures and kid-napps my head.
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My goal is to work through this section of my time; of the past. I want my mind back; its not mine. I continue to get redirected to age 11 or 12; a time of fear terror fright unknown and ruin. I want past that moment of ruin; I want past it; for It to stop; that personality stopped. I want to go beyond it ito the present and have memories and thoughts in a new life.
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Im lonely; without the internet; I would have nothing at all; Ive worked on dissociative disorder in strange places as a drifter; never really fitting in anywhere. So; this will be something I take to the universe for help.
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ITs all very sad. For I am not ending up anything like I dreamed when young; most of my life is about survival. I want control of my choices and my life; now I have to work toward it.



Comments

Author:  Snaga [ Sun Apr 21, 2019 3:08 am ]

You're certainly not alone. I suspect, for many of us, that things haven't gone nearly as planned. At least, not for me, it didn't. But yeah, we only have the Now to work with. We do what we can, with what we have. Never give up.

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