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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1005)
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- August 2019
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
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Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
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Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
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breaking things and coming together
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What am I thinking about
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That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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Heading into a new life!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jun 09, 2016 12:46 am

Im slowly heading into the next phase of my recovery; I should say, Im solidly changing, or phasing into the new section of my recovery!

Im slowly melding into it!

I read a quote by Mohammed Ali! He said he hated training, but it got him to his end destination!

I feel the same way about the recovery process Im involved in!

Ive hated people or some have made me sick to my stomach; I was thinking about this one girl; phony from the start! arrogant! attempted to act like she was single, when she was married the whole time! led people on; including me! thought she had " gotten" me! meaning, put the false move on me and pulled back; just to have me find out she has a baby and a man! We were just strangers! But I make my point; she was grand standing!

This same degenerate is one of the first people I had a conversation with of independence! It was about a year ago I think! I have no respect or value for her! However, she is a vital part of my recovery! And so it goes in the recovery process!

I may not like someone, but they helped me extremely, and they never knew! They are and were an important part of my recovery! It's interesting how God brings all of this about! Very interesting!

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Im at this point that Ive been working toward a specific goal of restoration! Ive started! And Im at the beginning, but past the beginning front line! Ive been at it long enough to say that Im solidly on my way into the beginning of the second phase of my recovery process!

Think of someone who is off the shore of the lake into the water about 10 feet! They cant touch the bottom anymore, the water is over their head; they can swim; no big deal! They are exploring! However, their now, no longer afraid of this water or their ability to control the depth they choose to swim in! And they are getting used to it; being in the water, swimming around! They're getting into it! And they find themselves not going to the shore! They are to interested in exploring the edge of the water embankment from the side of; being in the water swimming! And thus, I am no different within the newer phase of my recovery processes! Im swimming around offshore, and have been getting used to it!

Its quit interesting when you've been in recovery for things others have no idea about because its to deep, and the story is to long ago and tragic for others to understand!

Im working on happiness! It's not easy, because its real; its restoration of my ability to be excited about the creation of goals and dreams; what I think becomes things! Im working toward creating a life for myself! In order to do this; I must work at it; Im starting from scratch!

I have to rebuild the mind for it to be prepared or have room for the ability to handle the imagining processes for future creation! Im starting from scratch!

Im more at ease now; as a human being! Things are not perfect! Im still alone; in a lot of ways! Im just waking up the fact that Im an intelligent college grad! Ive not been an intelligent anything; Ive been a lunatic on the system!

The point is; Im slowly attempting to remember! Remember what it was like before I was destroyed!

I am remembering! And its horrible! Because I was destroyed! I never planned on this! Nor thought about it! I was absolutely innocent! This might describe why I was destroyed! Those around me were not! In fact; looking back; I don't think any of them had a conscious! I had no idea was being hated from the start! This is unfortunate! I thought everything was normal and everyone was on my side! It was not! I was being groomed to be destroyed! I had no idea! In fact; I was being destroyed from the day I was born; poisoned through neglect! I did not know! Later, I knew something was wrong! No one was taking care of me! Soon, everything feel apart! No one was helping me in school; and everything fell apart! I did not plan it that way! I was a brilliant person; strait A's would have been easy! However, I was waiting for someone to " kick in"! for my parents to show up and start the process for my future! they never did! by the time I'm in 3rd grade, no one is they're! its strange! my grades don't matter! then in 4th grade it starts to show up! by the time Im in 5th grade, non of my potential is being used or has any interest by anyone!

I did not know that the neighborhood kids were evil! They were! Rich and horribly evil! I did not know! Since I grew up with them from a small age! They were my friends! I went to their houses to visit them! I did not know what they would turn out like! They did not turn out like much!

Later, I was maltreated by these scum! All of them; I was treated as a worthless shiftless drifter no good, free loader! Was I any of these? No! I was being raped and destroyed! I was going through sexual abuse and relational aggression abuse and demoralization and many other horrors! I was pulled out of my life; Genocided out of it!

Im now in the last section of recovery restoration! My original self, and values are being restored and my ability to dream about the future, set goals! And go after what excites me in life! The building of confidence and the dropping of self doubt!

Self Doubt!

Self Doubt is one of the most destructive poisons of an abused persons makeup! Its like a decease or cancer! It grows with the roots of self! It undermines everything! The problem with the abused child; the self doubt level is off the scale; its psychotic of its own abasement; its of a lower evil nature; turning into its own identity! Its much harder to get rid of then normal! But it can be done!

I was chewed up and destroyed! No one cared, with malice and contempt! I betrayed but this is understandable! Im lucky to be alive! but I was not prepared to be betrayed by the community I came from! this is something else!

Jesus Christ was betrayed and killed by the upper middle class; not the poor people or the psychopaths in jails! He was killed by all the educated nice people! They killed an innocent man; the community!

You never know where your going to encounter evil!

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Today, I practice manifesting what Im going to do tomorrow! Im not interested in reality today; its to limiting! Im interested in creating my own reality! and Im learning how to do this! its very hard work! it takes a long time because one must believe! If I believe , I receive!

Nothing Ive said in this blog is any different then the last 50! it a repeat accept the movement forward!

My mind is not on the past anymore! and Im desperately attempting to get this brain to focus in on my future and not the PTSD worlds that keep cropping up!

Im now attempting to learn how to keep my mind on my goals and not the negative idea that I could have goals but it wont happen! When I tell the Universe this; I get what I was thinking about; the Universe will make sure I wont get what Im thinking about! I have to act as if I already have what I want and then the Universe kicks in to create a space for me on earth!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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