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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
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Having your talents destroyed

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Oct 08, 2015 11:35 pm

I grow old quickly, being destroyed slowly then ever stronger with intent! The people that did this liked doing it!

Ted Bundy enjoy destroying others lives! What he did to them; he simply enjoyed!

Those that slowly dwindled my life into deaths door; did the same as Bundy! It was a psychopathic nature!

I had talents! They were smashed or squashed or unknown! I never let them out! And then I was smashed, and they were never seen again!

Now; as I wake up! I must remember! No one owes me anything! I got a small chance when young to discover that I had talents! I felt others destroyed them; now I see it differently! Through indifference, others never cared who I was or what type of talent I had! Nor did they care about me in any fashion! It did not matter if I was below average or a genius! I meant nothing to everyone!

I had no value to anyone; nothing!

Did my talents get destroyed; thats a good question!

They never got developed! What got destroyed; my trust in man kind! Or my heart was broken and my mind and will? Yes, all three were smashed to oblivion!

What I went through; constitutes the right to be in mass pain over things! But the question remains; regardless of my resentments! Are the talents still in tact! Yes, or no! The answer is ( and in pain I say this); yes!
The potential remains! However, a biological condition exists when a mother takes you to a play and wants you in it, or helps you get there, and wants you acting and as actor and play write! And takes you to the theater and watches you in those plays! And watches you grow!

I never got such things! And everything; and I mean everything died! And I died!

Yet, the talent remains! The potential is still their!

If I use this potential; I must go through the demeaning experience and experiment of developing such things without the benefit of a good mother looking over me and after me and knowing I am loved while I learn and develop these talents! And this is O so heart breaking and ruthlessly hard!


ITs hard to come back! I must talk to God about this! One cannot do things alone and should not!

I need more then memories of times people were close to me! I need! And I need real people! I have a heart; and people are the answer to fill it! Not being alone!

I have God! And that is where I start!

How do I replace the family system I need! This is the family system that nurturers the boy within me! The child, the 2-12 year old! And the 13 to 15 year old and the 16 to 19 year old! And the 19 - 21 year old! Who is going to do this work!

I ask God for help!

I can be a

Playwright
Actor
painter;/artist
composer
Musician/singer songwriter!
Writer of Sci Fi and Ghost stories!
Dancer; popp'n john free style type!
movie maker!
voice work
Teacher

So, many things on that list! many of them!

Lots of them require inner actions with others and practice! and skill! and much time put into such interests!

Other areas of interest!

Skiing!

-----------------

Lots of PTSD surrounds all of this and no support from the outside world!


Many things destroyed from my past! I took it all personally,

Support is needed for the child within me to grow into who I was originally supposed to grow into!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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