Im starting to see the big picture; God is revealing the whole of it to me; from 0-18 years old. Its just in credible; its like looking at a Horror film and Im the star victim but dont know it during the film. Im totally and completely manipulated the whole time covertly; no idea its happening... but I was able to understand at age 16; that the people that were suppose to love me did not and they were psychopaths. I did not have a word for what they were; later the terminology was presented to me.
Never ever in this life had any idea. Nothing; I mean Nothing like this was happening or going to happen or did happen or was going to happen to me. Nothing. And it was already happening to me at birth continually; strait through to 18 years old; It went much further. But looking back now; My God I never had a chance at any place I landed when with those monsters; it was all bad and I didnt know it; I was being set up every place I ended up. And at every new place I thought it was a new start for me; but I was wrong; their would Never be any starts for me; they were trying to get rid of me; and refused to take care of me and trying to get rid of me. The whole time. Nothing is as it appeared; nothing. I had no idea. I had no idea because I was 2 busy planning my life and my wonderful future. It was all destroyed before I ever got a chance; all of it; no matter where I went.
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If I can wake from more of it and keep going. Dangerous; My mind was completely destroyed with my nervous system; the condition I was left in. In the 6th grade; still no memories; Nothing. That is not good; I remember bullies and that may have to do with all of it; constant bulling everyday plus other stuff; completely shut down completely.
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And other time periods; but looking back; I was all alone during all of it; there really was no one. I was completely alone and destroyed all the time. Im still affected by what happened but I have a new opening; And that is; no place that I experienced life during that time was any good; I wanted to fit in; I didnt. I wanted to be stable and feel stable; they ruined that; but they never planned on me being stable; they had children so they could throw them away and get off on it. Looking back Im horrified; My God; the Television is the only place I learned anything and had hopes and dreams and could escape; and I didnt know any of this. I kept wanting a life when I was young and real friends. The only friend I had; their family was using me; well; of course they were using me. I was a latchkey kid that showed up at their house everyday; I was 5 years old. They used me to baby sit their son... and when I got old enough; throw me out... In a sense and I never knew. I thought I had this chance at life; I had no chance anywhere; I had no idea what was going on; I was being neglected; my schooling was being neglected and no one cared. Nothing. That was because their was no one at home; nothing. The television is what created my dreams and what I thought people should act like. I mean; I was already dissociating and waiting for my life to have a chance to start. As I mentioned; I spent allot of time with my best friend; but only because I was being used and he knew that from the beginning but I did not know. later in heartbreak and horror I will find out I was used with no friends. He was rich; and if you dont understand the rich or their children then this wont make sense. If you understand the rich; they feel they are entitled to everything they have and you have and people Are inferior; all of them and can be used...
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I could never get started no matter where I went; Thats because I was alone and bullied including teachers and school systems; all of it but I had no idea what was going on. I mean; I was never being taken care of; I was completely alone and no one cared that I was born; people were trying to get rid of me and I didnt know; it was happening from the beginning.
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Key points along the way of that horrible nightmare still have me angry or my attitude controlled and withdrawn and I need to work through those things so I can see the big picture of them so I can move onward.
I mean this is really hard. Im starting to look at the main time period of my childhood; where I lived as not really where I lived; meaning; it was all I knew. But in context; it was just another time period of many where I was carted to a place for a few years and then dumped somewhere else and their was no real home their or life or place to stay or live where I was apart of something; almost; but it was stolen from me. Im starting to look at that neighborhood as something I really didnt belong in or came from. I used to see it as something I came from; My identity but now I dont think so. Im starting to see it all differently and that is starting to scare me; that means the whole of the town is not really part of me and never was... I dont know how to work through this; its causing allot of stress and hardship. I was simply dragged through a Horror movie; made into one and never expected it or saw it coming; no idea.
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Ill have to work through a bunch of stuff so I don't claim it anymore and can move on. I can start calling it what it wasn't so I can move on. This will take work. I mean; as a boy; I had dreams of feeling secure and the things I would do as a secure person; but in reality; there never was any security; it was all a lie; everything was a lie; all of it.
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I was talking to a brother about somethings. When my father brought home dogs or pets; they were my fathers pets; not ours. We never had pets; the children. And they would take the pets away or give them away or what ever; and one day we would see them and the next day they would be gone without a trace.
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I never thought about it; but it was completely singular; almost narcissistic on my fathers part; no remorse; no conscious; nothing. Not caring how children felt about it. Having pets and then no pets. Wheres are dogs at. no mention of it; several of them. Whats stranger is we accepted that as normal; We children.
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One other horrible thing was always doing things alone; growing process; developmental process; all alone... and how tiring it was; Looking back; children dont do those things alone! They have adults help them. There was no one who cared about my development with anything. nothing; or what happened to me; nothing.
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I had no idea. I had no idea this was happening to us... My life was completely ruined over n over n over n over numerous times... numerous times... unbelievable.
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Im strangely getting better.... I mean in small increments; I remember who I am; an artist craftsman; meaning; I love art stuff. I like arts n crafts; model making stuff. I would love to be a teacher psychologist.... composer; but I cant compose because other stuff is not inline; Im to empty; dont have any relationships. Makes things impossible; being all alone. Im not sure what God had in mind. I dont get it. Im just getting old alone... I feel like the right people are some where else. I dont know. . Ill keep working with the universe. I was such a nice person when I was young; you would think someone would have been interested in me.. someone somewhere. but I guess not.. no one. I dont understand why I was born.
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My job is to get better; and to keep striving for my goals; keep working with the universe concerning them... keep working at it.. .
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As for women; Ill have to keep talking to the universe; but my hands go frail when I think about it; I just see my mother and the other monsters I grew up with; their just horrible people; most of the women ive encountered; its just horrible... Unbelievable. I think the primary point for them is to have children; I mean as for men; they've had no use for me. I thought being intelligent or sensitive creative; but it means nothing to them... They have no interest in me. I mean nothing to them... So; I dont know...
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Ill keep working at what Im working at in the recovery process...
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As for meeting people; or meeting women; I have nothing they want... Im not sure what the point is... I really mean it; its useless to me... Its been that way all my life. theirs been no point.
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But Ill keep working with God on it. useless... but Ill keep it up. Im talking about relationships with someone or activities.
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Id like to play guitar; but I dont want to go out around people anymore; they ruin everything. I see no point in it...
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I dont know. Im getting better tho. I am. But the work to be around people that appreciate me; never happened; all my life. Never happened. So; I dont know what to think.
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Ill keep working with the universe on it. I dont think Im suppose to die alone but I get this feeling the universe is not going to set me up with anyone... It just wont ever happen. I dont believe that tho... I just dont get any of this. I dont.
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So; its my job to keep fighting; keep working it to the day I die and see what happens. keep at it and keep working with God until I can see a better picture for myself.
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So; the work is to continue with re scripting my first love until it comes out completed; as if it was functional and working and complete regardless of the pain involved... I know what this is bout; I mean; the only way for that situation to work would me staying to her that I loved her all the time every time; nothing else. Thats what Im practicing doing... and Ill keep at it until this relationship appears to be real and normal and complete and then move on to someone else or something else; I know the work Ive got to complete.
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Ill keep working with social with women and activities until I change my mind.