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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Having a relationship day to day with a women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 07, 2020 2:45 pm

I messaged a friend this morning at 7 am to play disk golf. iTs kind of a joke because he doesn't get up till about 10 am... So I know he won't answer me.
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I look at the words and that I was messaging him and thought; why am I not messaging a women I like and having her over for tea; why is the person on the other side of the message counter a male and not female. Why am I not emailing a female and have a relationship with a female. Im seriously asking why? why was I not emailing a women this morning.
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I have no faith in women? I don't believe any of them are any good... non of them have been so far... not many of them; but is that not the same complaint with many women that men are trash.... most men.
So; Im scared to take a chance on a women in a relationship because I dont know the outcome. Is uncomfortable to create or go through the process of creating a relationship with a women; the initial stages of taking action to create it; I dont want rejection; I guess I have to get over it; no one owes me anything; and that's where the pain and hatred and anger lies; the contempt of failure. I hate the confusion of failure and I blame women in general for it. I blame my mother for it; because she was not a mother ever; she was a monster; and Im mad that I had to spend my childhood with a monster; a monster that had control over my life and I have contempt for it. And I dont want to date another monster and thats all I see and find. Now; some could say theirs lots of nice people in the world but I live in a society of caste system in America; its bad situation where Im not accepted because of my poverty and Im damn mad about it. I feel like Im held out of things... once people treat me badly; I have no interest in them anymore.
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I have women that like me; I just move on; I waist my time with them; they are a waist of time... They want someone that does not exist; so I won't give them a chance. I never give them a chance; I think they are corrupt and I dont believe them...
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I don't believe women are doing anything other playing a game with me; thats all its ever been with the women Ive met in one form or another; they seem to respect nothing; absolutely nothing and change their mind on their own principles within 15 minutes. IF any depth is demanded; they simply change color.... instead changing the outcome; meaning; 2 faced. They change principles when the whole Idea of principles is not to change them....
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I can continue to complain about women; OK; but its hard to get started with them or get started with them again because I dont find the any good ones to work with; nothing! zero; and it leaves me empty inside. But thats not completely true but it is and its frustrating....
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A good women is one that is safe and I can work with... so it scares me that Im doing therapeutic work with a women and she's not trained for it; she's insensitive; or actually unknollagable about my condition; she is sensitive; all women are sensitive; and all women are hot... but my complaint is being with someone that just does not understand my sensitivities.... Im scared to death to open up about my miserable life; what its really like to be so trapped from dissociative disorder. The realities of the disability... I feel like a monster or weirdo... I just feel like second rate damaged goods... And it comes out when I have to interact with something and women are all about continuous interaction. I hate expressing or opening up to the wrong women; and I cant tell by looking at them who is the right one and who is the wrong one.
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I dont want to be hurt and I cant seem to find any women that care if they hurt people. They dont seem to have a conscious about anything.
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I have dissociative disorder and disrupted the process of doing things in The real world. Its skizo- is what it is. I talk about women and relationships to things but its talk; meaning; its coming from my mind and not in the real world because in my mind is safe and in the world is not safe; so; the first step is to have someone like me; the next step is to talk to someone and build a relationship and then decide what to do; my mind severs off and I cant build a relationship because I become dissociative. and I don't like to admit that... and its hard to know what to do about it; I guess I can talk to women about it; either way it won't go away; so I push the women away. and I dont like this answer of solving this by interacting with women into a relationship; its scares the hell out of me to get that close to another human being again... and thats where Im sick from the CPTSD... Im very mentally ill from it. and Im afraid the women that like me won't understand; but Im getting it; some of the answer is coming to me...

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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