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Hatred, fear, and women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Nov 10, 2017 12:44 am

Hatred suggests torture and pain! hatred is loathing; worst kind! Its associated with several women; these are women of the past; mother, grandmother, an individuals mother that I knew and his older sister! and other girls when I was a boy?; Their is massive hatred!
Im willing to look at this hatred in order to get over being a victim of it so I can have Asian-soulmates!
Im being blocked from women! Im also afraid to have women touch me! This might have to do with privacy! not feeling I have privacy where I live! Lots of anger and hurt and pain involved in this!
The women Ive known. I didnt know them; inflicted great mental and physical pain upon me; they took out their hatred toward men on me; a child! The physical part is indirect but ends up direct! If someone puts out a call to have someone else beat up; they are indirect but responsible for the act! They mastermind the whole event!
So, women, unfortunately were part of the group that destroyed me when young! My only interest in this, is that its effecting me right now; how I get along with women; the ones I want to date! Im blocked!
I have to work on it; work it out!
The hatred for my mother; she was a psychopath! this means I was destroyed by a psychopath and have hatred for it; totally and completely justified; the hatred I feel is real torture; not a game; real! I was destroyed or tortured almost to death; to a point of complete dissociative disorder and complete disabled; no functioning! So, this is not a game! The problem is; i dont want it spilling over to relationships with women I like or want to be in a relationship with! but to say Im messed up is an understatement! Im trying to fix it! get the pain out! Get the memories out! All of this has a secondary effect on my ability to perform sexually or allow anyone near me or in my bed or in my private space! It freaks me out just talking about it! part of me is afraid Im going to attract someone like my mother! If I even feel a second of it; the new persons gone; their leaving! no toleration of it!
My Grandmother created my mother! so, she is no grandmother or relative! She fits in that strange category of relative non relative do to the in human treatment of children; of me!
My schooling was destroyed by these people! many things undeveloped and destroyed by these people!
Im not sure how Im going to attract the right people; but I have been; but when it comes to Asian-soulmates or really beautiful Asian-soulmates; I dont think Im good enough! Yet, I have attracted soulmates that were really good looking; so, maybe thats not it! I am good enough! but do I believe someone else is going to find this out in me? I have to believe society actually will pull though! that I wont be setting myself up for a trap!
Possibly the problem is being the real butchered me and understanding how to be me around these people! Im really scared of who I attract; Im afraid they will be shallow and worthless but have middle class standing or they will have more depth but no values because they are closer to the street life! I guess I have to keep working on this to decide what Im really looking for! Writing about it is really helping right now! I can tell that Im searching for what Im really looking for! Some kind of nice, really nice girl with college background that wont judge me! that will accept me! I can sort a see it in my head or feel it and visualize it! I just need to hang on to that!
First and most important is respect; being around a women that does not respect me because she is from a privileged class; its over before its starts! its finished!
Finding a women that respects me from the streets; ya; I've been their before; no thanks; they just want psychopaths from the jails because the psychopath criminal has got their back; he's their solder on the street and that gives the girl a kind of power! Ive seen it and been their; its like hired muscle! If you do something about the girl; she will mouth off because she's got this psycho protection. Women like these street thugs because they dont expect anything from the women; they dont want anything from her bad hard sex , money, a place to crash, wheels, and drugs! No one will expect the women to have values or answer to those values!
I have to work on the people that hurt me when young; thats their stuff not mine! Its bad; but they were sociopaths and psychopaths; and your not getting out alive with these type of predators! Its going to be bad; and it was bad! they are the type that smile on the outside and destroy you completely! I would use other words; I dont want to trigger anyone! the point is; the psychopath goes 100% to the demise of other humans or to a level 10 of their destruction; no problem; no conscious! They want someone destroyed from the beginning! they are not home; not human !
ITs so strong, what they did with me! I have to work through it! or I wont let anyone near me! My nervous system wont allow anyone near me; nothing!
I cant just bury it and act like its not me! but its all so overwhelming that its beyond being myself when around others; I dont know who to be this real tortured person around others! I would not have any protection!
I have no culture to associate with that is like me! Ive not found one yet! The trauma class! Im online in groups for CPTSD; thats a start! but thats online!
If I keep writing about it and getting out the pain; ill get some where! trust is a big factor! their are several women that did bad things to me; set me up took advantage of me! I was taken advantage of when young; very young! I was taken advantage of when I moved into this persons house at 17! I had no idea was being set up! I was hated by these people! They didnt want to look bad; they wanted to look good to the community so they took me in but didn't want to! they hated me or despised everything about me! I did not know; and I had no idea who they were! I didnt know who they were! who they are! thats what makes me mad! maybe Im mad at myself! I was around them as a kid! but did not know who or what they were! They did not treat me the same way at 17 that they did when I was 7! and they never wanted me around in the first place but never said anything! nothing! They wanted their son socialized, so they secretly allowed me to be over at their house! as a small child; I didnt know! I thought I was liked; I was never liked! I was nothing! I wasn't even wanted; never wanted from the beginning! Theirs a good chance that the kid I was friends with when young started this whole thing around the neighborhood I came from! He's the won that ruined my name with so many other children my age! I dont know! I do know! and I know it was him! and his family! The reason; I was marched my way into his life when young! I now know they never asked to know me! I didnt know anything was wrong; no adults came forward and told me to go home! no one told me I was not wanted! I mean, no one cared to tell me! They used me and got rid of me! So, the problem is; I have to get over this stuff if Im going to meet new people! and I dont know how to feel about myself or who to associate with!
My situation is so unfortunate! I dont feel like Im worth anything to anyone! I would like to be around people that do think Im worth something! Im afraid that when I go out among people, I dont know what class of people to associate with! I have no idea! Ive been around so many bad people, every class of people I've been around has taken advantage of me or thrown me out or gotten rid of me! no one cared about me! and no one cared about me when I was a child! I always saw through them; their con acting and lies! 2 faced attitudes! They were always spoiled and privileged in one way or another and had no respect for anything! so; I never fit in with them! I did not have their values; they wanted to act like they had mine; but they had never earned mine!
I made a mistake when young ever associating with people in a manner that over stayed my welcome! Dealing with the rich; I was never invited! and that made them mad from the start! I didnt know that; I didnt understand that they were privileged people privileged class! You dont walk into their homes and keep showing up! I wasn't wanted or liked! No one saw me as an equal! Now, I understand they were a bunch of filth! human filth! Godless! it was all an act! they were more interested in their gold and how they looked to others! but thats not my business because I was never suppose to be in their neighborhood in the first place! I was not suppose to be in their lives! I was an outsider and not invited! and in most class situations; Im an outsider that is not invited! no one claims me! Im not part of anything!
So, who do I associate with! Im afraid that if I find people educated, they will look down on me; because of lack of success; material economic success! Im afraid of street people; I dont use drugs, I dont hurt children! I have middle class values! Im not a con artist! I dont fit their!
Im not interested in the prison people; Im not! I dont fit their!
Im not interested in the lower classes; Im an artist type who wants to talk art; I dont really feel like talking just welding and how to stay off drugs! or truck driving and how to stay off drugs! no problem; but I want to talk about other things!
I seem stuck no matter what direction! If I was filthy rich; I would be around the rich n famous! maybe thats where I need to be; I dont know; protected by money; yes! maybe!
Who are my true friends; who or where do they come from! what background! I might see myself with the potential for a background but not accepted by others of that background because Im looking for acceptance; while these other people who are in this specific classes are simply living their normal lives! They dont need me walking up to them to get acceptance; so, Im not sure in society where I fit in or dont fit in! Im scared of being ripped to pieces no matter what direction I go in!
As for women; its very hard; being spit on or laughed at is not easy! Ive been through it several times! You think someone is going to respect you; they have contempt for you simply by judging! Ive been judged by women incorrectly! they dont know what their talking about; they know nothing about me or my business! yet, they never asked! I was shocked! I was hated because of prejudice! none of these people know anything about me! They are so fare off the mark thats its scary and confronting!
Ive had women find out I have no money; then its door shut! its as if I'm nothing or no one! and thats fine; I just walk away! but it hurts! I mean, I have nothing to offer these people! Im not sure what to offer society; no one wants what I have! In society, Im nothing! Im an honest person! Ive done nothing wrong, yet Ive been judged to death! over n over n over no over! I really dont want anything to do with society! I only want to be around the right people!
How do I find these right people! what are they, where are they, who are they! What walk of life! its frustrating! I get looked down on everywhere I go because I have no monetary status! my story works well In a narcotics Anonymous meeting with hard cores! but Im more then that! Im well educated enough! but I dont fit in anywhere!
Im working on changing my story! Im not telling my story now to suggest I feel Im nothing because society thinks so; Im simply spitting back what Ive gotten from society! Im working on my story! who and what I want to be around! I have to believe!
I have to believe that the people I want to be around want to be around me! but I went through this when young; and I know how deceptive people can be! They can smile at you, shake your hand with a knife in their other hand behind their back!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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