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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Hacking away time

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Feb 21, 2014 7:12 pm

Another blog. Im just hacking it out, it might take a year n half. And thats OK. Im looking to work through the PTSD stuff; stuff that was important to me as an innocent child. Times l spent with my father; and I have to let them go because he was a sociopath and a coward. He abandon me and never came back and never shed an eye full about ! He never looked back; no problems. Must be nice! Its satanic!

ITs all so very sad and horrible to see it again and work through it. Its necessary! I have to work through it and let go. It is of the most sad things as I was an innocent young child. This is horrible and insane and crazy! I never thought in my wildest dreams I would go through this! I did not know I was with family destroyers.

I spent my time as a child with my best friend, then he betrayed me! and his family betrayed me. The way I can look at this now; they were never really close friends of mine. Yet, secretly they never told me this! and they knew what they were doing. They had no respect for me! and I was an innocent child. Its unbelievable. I was in a den of satan and never knew this! Now I know! The more I inventory the past, the more I learn.

Whats horrible about a story like this; Im the main character. I would like to get to a point that is just a story and Im in the here n know and not connected to the past! That would be nice. However, Im still in the past. Im coming through it slowly, there is real movement! and that is a sad but great thing. ITs a horrible loneliness. Im letting go of all things I loved during my childhood. I am a decent person and its not possible to have it both ways. These were deeply corrupt people that destroyed me; a deep sickening level of depravity and evil. And I choose not to play sides. I will not assign gladness to anything these people were apart of!


ITs the surprise of reality that destroys you. The betrayal of people that have no problem causing the physical, emotional, sexual , psychological death of a child! Anyone who would think of participating in this type of satanism is no one to associate with! yet, these were all I had. I was surrounded on every edge and corner. I never knew anyone was bad ( they looked respectable on the outside, lived in nice houses), because I was not bad I could not their evil. I was a wonderful wonderful wonder filled child person! and I was destroyed because of it! No remorse or conscious! callus and ruthless.

God brought me back! and he continues to do his job. I am not sure who I am, or where I fit in. The last time I was myself; 1962 to 72, and then it was over! I am now waking up... I have woken a few times; it did not last long! I was put to sleep again! the outside world was to horrible!

I want to get through this next section of my recovery! this is the section I get closer to people; more spontaneous. This is the section I do things with less PTSD smashing through my mind. This is the section I can walk away from problems and trouble spontaneously without feeling the fear of people around me. This is the section I become less prone to freeze around anyone that comes into my 3 foot space.. And I hope to date a bit more, possibly meet girls outside the meetings.. I don't know if Im up for that yet! I will have to prey about it!

-------------------------------------------

The music n art thing is not back yet. It is still controlled by the pTSD world. Im grinding away at it. I would like to be free. That means feeling safe. Im not safe from the PTSD worlds that keep landing on me or I on them. I need to land in reality! and Im heading to that.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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