|Psychology and Mental Health Forum|
|Author:||OMNICELL [ Mon May 09, 2016 6:16 pm ]|
|Blog Subject:||Guilt and shame|
So, Im working with Guilt and Shame! The idea is; although I experience it, and it's the small child in me scared to death that I will loose more of my God given rights as a human being; the child sits behind a dresser drawer!
The child in me has been raped, genecide out of existence; out of hope, out of economic possibility, any future goals, schooling! everything destroyed! Given away; abandon! Thrown away! In every direction!
Jesus Christ was not thrown away from a single line of religious beliefs; He was thrown away and killed by many behind the seems working together! It took a whole community to kill Jesus! Ive read the Bible; I do not see where he said anything against anyone! Did not no wrong! And he was crucified in the most brutal ways! So, it's a community murder!
And unfortunately; I was murdered the same way!
Guilt and shame are tied to a shameful past or shame based passed and I dont want to be shamed anymore by random strangers1 I was shamed in order to have me destroyed!
The point is; I had all my rights taken from me and my childhood and life; and I could not fight back! I could do nothing but watch everything die!
I feel horrible and guilt and shame! Someone shamed me and I could do nothing about it and I didn't fight back! Now, in reality, I allow others to continue to shame me!
It's a part of my past I would like to get rid of and Im getting rid of it because it's a toxic lie! Its hard!~ inter-wrapped in all this are my real feelings and the small child in me! He is still stuck under abuse! So he has not be saved from these horrible times! Im still trapped in them! But things are changing!
The guilt and shame need not rule me now! However, as I wake up; Im scared of being bullied back into submission again! And I do not recognize anything or anyone; nor do I remember how I got here!
The memories of the past rule my ability to be intimate in the here n now!
Part of the problem is; I miss them; the memories! But they were fake and must go! Meaning, I was being trained into believing I was safe and with normal people; it was all a lie! I would be dumped at some point in the near future; never knowing what happened or why! I was lied to the whole time; groomed into; lied into! Exploited into! I did not know! I had a head full of dreams concerning my future! I believed everything I saw and wanted! I had no idea I was not in a house of real people! I did not know I would be thrown out of the neighborhood! I did not know I would be thrown out of my life!
Guilt and shame; sexual abuse!
The idea is; it's a lie! If guilt and shame are keeping me from interacting with people as the best person I am; then guilt and shame memories must go! They must be resolved and dissolved and over written by a new set of pre planned memories!
The child is hiding in these lies! So, I must very slowly pull him out of these lies and this pond of scum water! It looks good on the top; clear! As soon as you jump in things change; the deeper you go; thats when the eyes appear from every mud raised corner of the deep! And so the feeding frenzy begins!
I did not know I was living in or on top of a death pond! I thought I was part of a middle class life! The closest I thought about bad people was PBS special!
The idea is to pull the child into the present and expose him to a news PBS special of a different nature! A better way of life!
The hardest part is! Im all alone! No relatives; alone; nothing!
Here I am alone in the world! It's not what I wanted! God has to bring me back and change some things for me! Bring some good people to me!
Im using the regular people around me! They do not see me; meaning; they dont really see my worth!
Saying hello to women; nothing has been effected more by shame and guilt then saying hello to women and getting close; flirting! And this has to do with everything! Money, car, loss of friends and how they treated me; like I was a second class citizen! They never accepted me for whom I was; never! Im not sure why! Now, it matters not! I understand those people! They think they are truly superior to other people! I would stay away from people like this; never go near them ever again for any reason!
Approaching women or confronting them when Im attracted to them or not is horrible! I cant interact with them!
Art; its hard! I don't know what to do with it because part of the art me; is stuck in the past! So I have to create a different more radical future reality for myself; one that Im convinced Im safe and wanting to develop!
I have to deal with the lonely abandon child within me and bring him to me from an un processes part of past! Part of my past; sexual abuse and harassment has to be processed and looked at; nothing is more demeaning and horrifying and terrorizing! its sickening! horrible!
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