|Psychology and Mental Health Forum|
|Author:||OMNICELL [ Tue Dec 27, 2016 12:07 pm ]|
|Blog Subject:||growing or expanding beyond!|
Im slowly dealing with the core of what put me on social security! I never questioned it before; not at the core! Ive been so broken, I could not get in touch with what caused the mental problems! Ive known of the mental problems; but was never able to get to the core of the problems!
Im finding I have 2 sets of childhood memories! In my mind Im able to see both sets. and its freaking me out! Im able to see myself in an art class room at a college at 8 years old! I like it very much, and I like the class room setting! And I see myself in the middle of violence, Im being beaten! Im about 4, running and running! Im very small, running and running like a rat, trying to hide! And both sets of memories are going off at the same time! I see one set of memories where Im secure and another where Im not! Im trying to understand the truth! Which set of memories is the truth!
Im a victim as if Im a small child! I go to meetings with drug addicts! why?! Meaning, why am I continuing to go! Why am I not able to go into the community and have a normal life! I know why!, Im always reliving the part of me that was attacked or bullied or abused! I cant see! I cant see the attackers or the time zone! I can see its around 3 years old or before or later! my first memories are age 3 1/2! Its not a good memory! Im being verbally abused by a psychopath!
Im trying to work through what happened to me that I may become able to function again! Im trying to work through my anger and hated and pain and revenge!
Im trying to stop others from taking advantage of me! Im trying to understand what happened! Im trying to feel the betrayal of others! Im trying to underhand why the whole world turned on me and what I can do about it! How do I get back online! back on track as a human being and start again!
I am doing the work to get back on track as a human being! Its very hard and confusing! Im always going back to my past to hide or that I want something made right! I want something fixed by someone! anyone! I want things fixed!
I have allot of revenge! allot of pain and confusion of what happened to me! I think my brothers now what happened to me! they were also being destroyed when young through neglect, so they ware unable to be present emotionally or mentally! Something happened to me that I want answers!
Im understanding that that world turned on me! why? Why was I associating with people that were trying to hurt me! I know my mother and father abandon me! they were psychopaths! it matters not! But why can I not move forward! My immaturity is literally a disability on to its own!
Im noticing others victimizing me now! now that Im getting better or more aware or waking up! Im hiding in safe places of security! Its literally; social security! Im seeking social security all the time! However, I see my mothers face in every move within me as I think about truly being myself! I see her intimidation within my thoughts and my soul, as if she owns me! I don't own me! seems like everyone else owns me! I am not safe! the last thing I remember about safety was living in my childhood house! that did not last long! I had no idea it was going to be confiscated! but the people who took it knew what they were doing!
It seems I cant leave; Im stuck no matter where I am! I cant move forward! Im trying! Im not sure where I want to go or who I want to become! Im like a small child that needs to be taken care of by others! Its all very hard!
I have to keep working with God to overcome this! what do I want! I want to move on with my life and away from where I came from; I want to see it for what it was; as sorrowful as it is! I want to move away and never return! but I wanted someone to pay for what they have done; be confronted! but that is not possible! and more importantly; aligning with God; I do not see this in his heart! God does not want me going back to my childhood, in the negative sense! I am to work through it, but keep my mind of God; not on the past! I am to work through it but keep my mind and goals on God! However, Its not working! Im not keeping my mind on God! Im having other problems! Im staying in the past, dissociating into the past! This is not want I want! I want to let go of all from the past; see them for what they really were; monsters! and move on! I do not see revenge as possible; altho I would love to see these people locked away behind bars! Unless God steps in; I do not see how its possible! From this background; I am lone!
I was betrayed by my best friend when young! Now I see it differently! I do not see this person as my friend! I doubt he was ever my friend! the real problem was my age! I did not know I was in a bad situation! I was in the wrong town, the wrong neighborhood, with the wrong people and the wrong life! the people I associated with did not have my values! I was destroyed because of my values; I was taken advantage of! Im trying to go back in time and work out what happened! why were others able to take advantage of me! Why was I not able to fight back; what was causing the problem!! I understand what happened to me! I was used and thrown away by scum that thought they could set up children to take a fall; its sickening! but it happens! it happened to me and Im trying to get over it! Im trying to allow myself a new life in a new location with new people!
In the present, Im in the middle of a recovery process! This means, Im still in the middle of things! Im not out of the safety of the rooms; the recovery rooms! Im getting close; Im tired of them and the people in them! its not the people; I don't mind the people! Ive been in the recovery rooms for a long time and would like a normal life back! Im scared because I don't have allot of money! just barely enough to get by! This bothers me greatly! Ill have to work with God on this! I guess its an excuse of fear!
Fear is a big big problems! it rules my life and my movements! it rules everything! What others think of me rules everything! Im trying to get a recovery! and fear causes great problems! Im slowly working through things! Im scared to go outside! shame and feeling abandon and lost; I don't know what Im doing in this small town! Im not sure why Im here or how I got here! God is saving my life! or saved my life! thats part of the deal, and Im trying to grow up past it or through it! Im trying to get to the other side of maturity and grow up! growing up means, growing past this maturity level and memories of where Im at! I want to move forward, forgetting the past and moving on to something new! I would like support for such things and to know Im on the right path! I would like the ability to concentrate on my future and not the past! I do not want to get pulled down by the past or those that are from it!
I come from a bad bad family system! its a death family system; its no family system! nothing! its a non family system or horror! I do not want it having its grip on me anymore! I want to let go and let God! These were thankless Godless people! no respect for anything! worthless at the core; I certainly don't want them around me! or anything like them!
Old family system; good or bad?, technically they are bad, but I want to look at them as good! This is the biggest of problems! I have a side of me that is an innocent young child that wants to see his family and friends as good! they are not good! so, this causes a great dilemma inside me! In fact; This dilemma is the cause for much problems and grief! Im calling good bad and bad good! and its causing problems!
I seem to have hit an impasse! ( Is this the right word! I don't know) I mean intersection! Im not able to go any further hiding in my life! Ive tried every angle I can think of! when I went back to my original family for help! they simply led me on until they could steal my inheritance! I needed so badly, to believe I was wanted by them or loved! In the end, just more sociopaths and psychopaths taking advantage of me; nothing more! So, abandon again! Ive been in the 12 step systems and the psych based therapy systems for years! Ive hidden their! Now what! They've done what their suppose to do! now what do I do! where am I! Im alone!
I have a big problem with moving beyond the trauma of my childhood! specifically where I was abandon!
For example; when it comes to women; I fall short or stop! I don't follow through! I don't trust them! I do not want someone around me with their own agenda! I simply want them around me so I can have my fun! I guess what Im saying; I stopped believing anyone was worth anything! if I see or feel the slightest arrogance from women; Im through with them! I must have people around me I can trust or Im through with them!
IVe not been wanted by anyone! well, thats not true, I haven't wanted anyone! Ive wanted women for sex! but they want more, I dont want more, their not the right women for me to have relationships; but then, who is?
Something is wrong! How I see myself, my worth! others dont see it or dont have to see it or judge it according to money! No one is human! not the people Ive been around! or, Im attempting to go where the money is and Im not being accepted! I was brought up in a neighborhood for a short time that had money, I did not have money! I was brought up in a neighborhood that had money, and then I was thrown away! Now what do I do!
Who am I; and where do I fit into the world! Im not sure! I know what I dont want! I know what I do!
I have to trust God! keep working with him! Ive lost almost everything in my life! the ability to make money or have a direction, or any support from any direction! Ive lost my use of potential and talents!
Im still clinging on to the hopes that my mother will accept me, so I can feel like this nightmare is just a dream, and Ill wake up in the morning and it will all go away! Because I dont believe what has happened! that my mother turns out to be a psychopath! My father turns out to be close the same! So, their is no father or mother and no one to tell! Im destroyed, no one cares!
Now, I have to learn on my own how to build a life! And I have to learn to trust God; no one cares who I am or who i was or what Im worth! no one cares! I had brothers! but I didnt! I was not close to them! I never was, I did not know! I had a best friend! I had no one; he was a fair weathered friend! looking back; their was no friend their! I believe he was just using me when he got bored! if had nothing else to do, we hung out together! and that was all! he was never a friend of mine and did not care what happened to me; nor, did he ever see me as an equal! I meant nothing to him or his family! and Im mad that I got used or led on! It seems I got led on by everyone in every direction!
chasing after the thieves that did me is will do not good! they have taken what they have taken and are long gone! I am left with God! and I have to work to make a decision not to worry about what was taken, but to work with God and stay straight with God; do not let anything divert my path with God! If God wants things to come back to me; he will get them himself; he will bring them to me! I have to let go of the world and turn to God! nothing seems sacred out here! nothing! but who am I to judge or care! Im suppose to be in Gods care; not turn my focus upon the world! instead, concentrate on God and what he wants for me! let the rest of this go!
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