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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Goals of being myself again

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu May 16, 2019 8:36 pm

Im not myself; not yet; thats to far; that means Im in my childhood and being me again and Im looking out my eyes and Im back; independent and starting to live again where I left off as a child with my whole life ahead of me. Well, Im getting closer; its about safety and closer of my past. The closer of my past was the big one; thats what got snapped; could not go forward; left on the streets y ou might say as a drifter hobo; could not say it any better; no interest in anything just hatred; had no home, no place to go; completely displaced and de franchised. had nothing. no hope. Things are changing; have changed; Im different; Im taking control of my life the way I did at 6 years old; 8 years old; believing again. I believe in me again because Ive proven it.
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I still feel the abandonment; but I also feel the freedom; the possibility of being me free again. The past still has a hold on me; so; I must keep with work up until I become present and feel safe in the present again against the PTSD>
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The problem is; Im still dissociated from the past. Im still de personalized; Im not present; Im getting their; getting better; Im slowly coming down to earth; and I remember when young; I did not think anyone owed me anything.
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Today, I have to learn how to get a car, a house a life; everything I want; and I work through the universe to do it. I dont get to call some relative from the past and say; Give me a car; those days are gone. And the people that gave it to me; did it because I was their hostage. or, I would have never associated with them; I was in a state of fear from them and could not live on my own. Today, Im making it different.
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Im learning how to face the past and the present and live who I am; who I always wanted to be; Im learning about it; its exciting; Ive been through the resentment work of; everyone abandon me when young; Ive worked through that; Im more mad about the loses of time and doing nothing but hating; all of those years. Now; I would strongly like to be me again and go after what I want; I wanted to be an actor, a musician and artist; writer; but I stopped myself out of self hate and that feeling that the abusers of the past did not give me permission; they were ghosts within me that still had power and control over it; its leaving; and I cant wait for it all to go. I had brothers that I loved that I wanted to love me; never happened; they are enemies; always were; I never knew; and I depended on them as a family; but that was a pipe dream within my young mind; and if they didnt love me; I know longer cared about anything anymore.
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Now; Im less carrying about what these monsters think of me from the past and I knows that when I feel that real independence Im going to allow my thinking to roam and become what ever I want; and work toward it; Im not their yet; not at that frequency yet; Im working on it.
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Im still in grief about my childhood and my childhood house; I never got to grieve it; I was in 5th grade; and suddenly its gone, and everything is gone; just like that; a snap of the finger and its all over and my hopes and dreams; and the neighborhood and friends and way of life; everything gone; and im gone; and no one cares that I was born or what happens to me or that I lost everything as a child; its all over in a second; and my young innocent mind crushed and pulverized went away and never returned. I had no warning; I did not understand the extent of the misery the psychopaths would put me through when that young; I still thought I was going to be taken care off; I did not know what type of monsters I was forced to congregate with. I had no idea. I was ruptured and crushed; my nervous system and mind.
So; iVe got allot on my plate from the past that still has to be worked through; but Im also working on my future and my goals at the same time and thats working with the universe and success principles; and with that I have hope.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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