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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Glad I have a place to write; dissociative disorder

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Mar 23, 2014 7:42 pm

Dissociative Disorder is come through me in the same way, in different ways, and now, in different environments...

Before, It was imaginary people in imaginary lands; I was never left my apartment! And that was the battle. And that is still a battle. However, I have other battles.

A new battle front is the ongoing war with interaction of others. Not everyone sees me or gets me! or cares. people can be brutal. As long as I go up to them with no protection for my heart, soul, or personality, I get destroyed.

Im actually fighting my mother! And my mother brought me up as if I was her husband that she was fighting! She tried to destroy me the way she attempted to destroy my father. However, I was just an innocent boy who did not know anything! How f#cking horrible is this!

I find myself around allot of ingrates. I have no other name for them! No one can be trusted. No one is safe; not with my personal stuff, they have proved that!

Im the one not getting it! Im not wanted by these groups. But Im getting the recovery I need. They are not stupid. I must be if I think I can walk over them to get what I want. Im being put in my place very quickly. I still try, but its not working.

I have to forgive all people!

I have to talk to God about all of it! I have to talk to God if Im going to stay alive.

Its hard when Im half completed human being....

The people in these meetings could never be trusted, and I fell for it! I have gotten stronger. At some point I will get the message that none of them were safe to begin with. I am in denial, and do not want it that way. These people at everything,,, not all of them.

As for women; I need money! and education. I have education, no job, a ssi check and no money! Its has to do with quality of persons. I am from a middle class venture, However, I feel more psychiatric class, or more psychiatric.

Where do I find the quality of people Im looking for. Who loves to be shot down? I don't! what choice do I have. Im not nothing in the work world. Im nothing to the women in these meetings! no disrespect. They simply cannot put 2 thoughts together to come up with my value! I have to learn from this and stay away! I won't get better. Im using these places to get better. Getting better is getting tougher.

Tougher; I don't like this. Its now what I wanted. Im wanted to be sharper and faster. However, My mind, although sharp, is impaired, and I cannot aim a missile in the right direction! So, what good is it! being smart does not help me! What good is a giant steal plated fence, if in the back is full of wholes. One giant whole in the fence destroys the fences purpose.

Holes;
Im attempting to patch up the wholes. The problem; I can't patch up the wholes. If I could patch up holes. Why would I have not done so by this time. I need help.

The dance;

Looking at the dance yesterday! I forgot what I was doing their! I let all outside things get to me! I am sick of dealing with these smart ass dumbness that think they are better then everything and everyone! Gods gifts to the world. Im not in the mood to deal with them anymore. Im not sure if Im feeling sorry for myself or I think someone owes me or Im looking at people as objects that need to get inline; probably all of the above.

I want to feel safe and be taken for what Im worth! Im not their yet! I have to remember this!

Im practicing response; that is what its about! I can't let other stuff get in the way. I am a human being tho! and I want what other human beings want! I want candy! smile!

Im still a victim of others games;. I still have contempt and anger and hatred. I would like to go to a dance and not worry about how I am treated. Instead, I would like to dance! but this last dance, no one would dance with me! instead they went out and danced with each other ( the women)! they walked right by me and went out with themselves. So, I have to bring someone to a dance with. This is a whole other dynamic Im not ready for! This is allot of rejection.

Rejection!

Rejection is someone judging me by where I work or who I know or how much money I have! Im not being valued by who I am!

Yet, Im not looking for people who have no money and on sSi, in fact I don't respect those people either. I think they are lying and scummy. So I have to start with my own feelings. Some how this is all about my own feelings.

And not everyone on ssi do I feel this way about! So, I don't understand. I suppose I have a stereo type like other people!

I know, when Ive been offended, I pull back and go near no one anymore. I stay away from them! Im slowly learning this! I have to learn to stay away from people! Yet, I need to them dance with and be friends with! so, Im up in the air on this stuff.

Im worth more, no one sees it, no one cares!

I get walked over by people! I sit back and watch, soon they get walked over worse!

I don't want to be a victim! but the price is to be alone, and being alone is being a victim!

Im around disrespectful people! Im around controlling people. I have allot of work to do!

===========================

Off to a new church!

And church wasn't bad...

The consequences of the meetings; Im afraid the people at the meetings have a fixed concept of me! It won't change. Ive seen several people from the meetings at this new church! and thats OK either way.. I will learn to stay away from them if I have to! And I will!

Im being played by people; mistake of kindness for weakness!

At the new church, I started dissociating like I always do when Im under to much outside information. I start tapping... I got up and walked around. It doesn't matter where I go! I still have the same problems.

-----
Im an artist with no place to create my art! its frustrating... Im a songwriter and have no place to make noise. Im not sure what to do! I have to keep trusting God!

I have to keep trusting God on what happened to me when young! I prey those responsible pay!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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