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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1033
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- June 2019
intimacy 3
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1966 and 50 years later; or 50 years to late?
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Visualizations
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women and shame
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Music creating; blocked
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Im getting very close
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Its hard when you were never loved.
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Things are changing
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Cant finish anything I start; cant get started
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Feeling better inside
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Money
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An interest in the arts
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Social
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intimacy 2
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intimacy
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Identity overwhelmed
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re changing the present
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Working out of it; the struggle continues
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A new segment of life
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dealing with life from zero to 18
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Connecting to things in the real world
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Things are changing
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I have to believe more
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liking myself and dating
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Dissociation
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Love
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bulling and meditation and connection and...
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Bulling and meditation and connection and...
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Childhood reconnection;
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Giving up on art?

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Mar 26, 2016 6:52 am

Nothing has been more mysterious and confusing then my interest in art! Im giving it up! But I do not know what to replace it with! I will have to ask God!

It's not a question I like to bring up to God! I assume because of my background; it was a mistaken area of interest!

You know those guys; the ones that tell you they are the most talented person you've ever met!

Im the most talented person you've ever met! Why would lie; Ive never met you! I don't have to lie to you!

What good is any of this! I do not have a practice room! And day after day after day; nothing! No creating!
Creating was my number one area of interest! But no practice room! Without a practice room; one is dead in the water! You cannot create any series art; the reason being; you have no protective walls! You never feel safe from the outside world! You feel like you're being raped every time you express yourself! Soon; you cannot express yourself anymore! You shut down and never open up again!

It's getting to the point; I cannot do any art work of any nature anymore! I have no safe place to do so!
I seriously don't get it! I don't understand! If God made this my main calling, temperament or interest; then wheres the practice room! He will have to supply it; and he is not! And I am not!

So where is it! If God does not supply a practice room; if its one more door shutting in my face! Whats the point! I assume this is a sign from God and the Universe that this is not an area I should be involved in! I have asked God about this; over n over n over n over n over! And nothing; no response!
Art is something you do on a daily basis! I cannot do it at all! My nervous system wont do it!

What am I supposed to do?

I can take it to God! Its all very confusing! What am I supposed to do with my life! I am an artist! Maybe not!

I see people with no talents with plenty of private space they have bought! I do not have the funds to buy something; yet, Im the one that needs the private space ! How am I supposed to be happy!

It's a joke to tell people; I could have been an actor, a composer, creative writer! Artist! Singer song writer! Whats the point!

What else is supposed to take its place! Ive lost almost all interest in anything creative! So, I do not have much joy or anything to look forward to! I have no excitement! Creativity gave me excitement!

The only professions I could stand on a daily basis would be creating something; or having enough money to have a place to practice; something I could get used to so that I could feel safe and secure!

Im a real artist! Im not the type to take a 9-5 job and do art on the weekends! Doesn't work that way!
My temperament is artistic! Im not sure where I would fit in! I don't fit into anything!

I will have to take this to God; I honestly don't get it! What kind of a life is this!

IVe lost interest in what Im not supposed to loose interest in! It's my temperament; yet I cant do it!

It's such a painful never ending horror show of regret and confusion!

I wish I could take an interest test and something else as temperament! What good is it!

What is a person supposed to do with their lives! What do I concentrate on; porn!

So, Im supposed to give up what I like to do! But I cant do what I like to do; so , what am I supposed to do! The frustration mounts!

The whole thing creates nothing but rage and hatred!

I was not supposed to be someone this shut off of self! I don't get it!

I don't plan to kill myself over it; not like before! Just a waisted life! Nothing makes any sense!

Im a non conformist! I refuse! But then what am I supposed to do? IVe got my back against the wall! I don't fit in anywhere!

What makes me excited! Being myself;; I can hardly think in terms of being creative anymore! Theirs no place for it!

Its been a very long time since I could sit down and practice singing or create a song! Or sing to a song! Ive never had any privacy singing anything in the last 10 years! I finally gave up! I simply believe its a sign from God that I am not supposed to go in this direction! So; what direction and I supposed to go in! What replaces it!

I simply don't understand!

Ive seen numerous people with no talent and plenty of private practice space! I guess God will allow them to express their feelings; but wont allow me to be creative?! I don't get it!

I guess I have to take this to God! Its getting to the point that its a joke!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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