Im working through so many other things and getting somewhere; making advancement; but women; seems to bed blocked. Its about being scared.
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Its like am 9 or 11 or 10. Im 10;' its right before I would learn about how to be close to women... its right before that; I mean; in childhood; women are like big sisters or mothers or baby sisters... Im a kid not an adult.
I did not legitimately make it into adult hood. I have no self respect around women; I have no self esteem around women. I have no worth around women. I feel inept around women. I feel fear and loathing about women.. I feel fear; like they are serial murder's who destroy children. So; I can take this back to the core light of energy coming from me. All I have to do is point 0-3 years old and that solves allot of it; ITs my mother and her father. Fair enough; Im freaked out about what happened to me. Something in the core does not trust women; any of them. A hatred; maybe. But; as a person becoming a man inside; I would like it to stop.
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So; Im looking at this pic I got from this chicks site... ITs her and this other women. This girl in the pic was the hottest looking girl Ive ever seen; One of them. Not only me; but I mean; every other guy out their. She was 19; commanded anything she wanted because of her looks... Date anyone she ever wanted in this life time. Shes older now; in the pic
The other women is Hot as well; great body. Shes hot; same thing; kind of; shes popular girl; goes out with many men if she wants to; pics who she wants to go out with.... lots of guys interested.
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OK. So the 19 year old hit on me first; and wanted me all the time. Wanted to marry me. She finely asked me to come home with her.
The other women in the pic; I hit on hard. a few weeks later shes back in my face and wants sex from me.
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So; what happened; I chickened out on both of them. Thats what I have to work with. Its not just them; its all of them. I wont go into how many women have liked me or what they looked like. But I can assure you no one ever turned me down; NO ONE! EVER! They came to me. But I was 2 chicken; to traumatized to go out with them or have sex with them. I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THEM. I was to innocent; it was like I was a little kid and it felt traumatizing to see them any other way then a big sister or a friend or a mother. POOR ME~! Seriously..... Trauma.... could not get near them. PTSD CTSD... Dissociation. Not home. Could not get near them; WALL... Frustration confusion anger... Can't tell you how it makes me feel that I was stopped; almost seemed; stopped by an ALTER. That might make more sense. My mind would not go their; it went into a cloud and was not present anymore. What ever my problem is; it will be fixed before I get around women; not fixed by women. I have to get fixed before this... I can hardly look at them in the face; I feel so embarrassed that they may see I like them at a sexual level. ITs as if Im trying to keep appearances and I have this pride of being better then everyone; Holy'r then thow. Or; I dont like women; but I want to have sex with them. I dont feel safe around women and I want to have sex with them. Why not get a girlfriend because thats way of the mark. I mean; if I cant even have sex with a women I hit on and she wanted sex and I wont give it to her.
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In fact; we can start with that; I hit on a women; she came back to me later and wanted me.... wanted to have sex with me; she asked for it; asked me for sex.... And I just became sad and heartbroken and traumatized and walked away. So; Im seeing my mother and im eight years old in my house on C street. I see her and I feel the over whelming fear and sadness and desperation. And as I see it from my adult perspective; no love; no touching; nothing. and im disparate but I dont know it; I mean; I dont know what its called. Im also 5 years old and being rejected completely. And before that; same thing; all the way back to 3 1/2 years old. Thats the first age I remember anything. So; when young; Im assuming Ill get attention from her at some point because Im loved; so later I try to do what Im suppose to do to get love and she does not respond to me; she rejects me. maybe I forgive her but looking back; their never any love; Im detached and that is from the beginning of my life; completely and Im assuming later I will get some love. but later never comes. Im completely detached from my mother and I dont know it. I watch allot of Television on what relationships look like and feel like and Im getting those feelings of what its suppose to feel like from the TV set so I get attached to the TV set and not human beings.... Fair enough. Nothing has changed. Im on the computer all the time. OK.
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OK; PRIDE. How do I tell someone this humiliating story. Where do I get the help; I became hardened inside and that hardness toward my mother and women in general; that general resentment has to go... And I disociate when ever I deal with it... I got sick of women asking me for sex. I get sick of women hitting on me because I became a 5 year old seeking my mothers love and approval and could not have it; no love. And these other women want love from me? Why? Why should I give them any love when my mother never gave me any love; am I not good enough for my mother... Then why should they be good enough for me. I never wanted those other women; I just wanted my mother and my life back and my life back on line. And of course; lets come back to reality; I wanted all those women; all of them; all of them were fine. all of them. I wanted them but got stopped. I was taken back to my childhood and not present anymore. Could I have told them; Yes; but its so embarrassing... And it doesn't fix the problem.
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If I had sex with them; I would feel so abandon in the morning... like someone had used me and spit in my face and left... I dont need that kind of pain; or I would have to use them and say goodbye to them and altho I would love to do that I dont want to hurt them; Im do bashful to tell them that up front. " Hi" ' you good enough for sex but not a relationship". My God; I dont want to tell them that. But thats what I want to tell them; that its friends with benefits.. but they already offered it... So; I dont know!
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Im without any experience dealing emotionally with all of this... I never wanted to deal with this; Im like a 7 year old; I just want my Dad; I just want to do the things Im suppose to do with my Dad so I can grow upward normally and have a normal life and get a wife; and im missing all that development... I dont want women yet; I want a father.... I want to develop; theirs no father showing me anything; nothing... How to I over come this. Well; I can talk to God about this. And I will; but all of this is so overwhelming. And telling women this stuff; my God that scares the hell out of me. but I might try it... but even saying that; it scares me to death... But Ill have to do something. I mean; Ill have to.... thats whats got me bugged. Why do I have to. Im stuck with no development choices to move foward.
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Im working on my mental condition and trying to work on my development.
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Well ITs a start. I will say that Ego and pride and narcissism are part of this... Not admitting anything... Thinking Im to good; being in love with myself.
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im to good to make love with women because Im in love with myself; I mean; this is a hatred for women.... Im to good for them. but at the same time; I want all of them. So; Im a coward that deep down wants all of them but wont do anything about it or admit it or go after them; in a positive sense.
In fact; Ill " go after them". That brings up a uncomfortable feeling when I make that statement; Im not like the monster predators that came after me am I. I feel like I dont have their permission to have women in my life; if I dont get their permission Ill be abandoned permanently. Ill not be liked anymore and Ill be given away one more time again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.
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So; Ive been so traumatized through abandonment I dont want to go through anymore of it. And I think just dealing with women causes this; just dealing with this independent nature of women causes this. ITs 2 much for me unless im around safe women. and I dont know any. And Im to chicken to have the fortitude to know any....
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And now that Im getting old; well; I really dont care that Im getting old; I still attract women. I did last year... I had a few at the meeting smiling at me yesterday.
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So...
Big ego problems... Its like telling everyone or boasting about my sexual prowess but secretly I have a little D_ck. When it comes time to prove it; I run off so know one will know the truth. So; Im scared; but Im scared of more humiliation abuse; Ive already had my share of it; where it was forced on me as part of abuse where I could not escape; it was real abuse... So; I dont know where to run and hide; nothing.
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I dont want more humiliation from women... I mean; I dont want more of it from anyone... Thats not what Im doing around people; I dont want anymore abuse...
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So; I have allot of hardness to work through; fear; terror. But I would still like to have sex with women. So; Ive got to man up on some of this stuff; but saying Im going to man up does not fix anything; I still dissociate...
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OK; theirs round 1. Ive mentioned all of this stuff in my other blogs; nothing new; except possibly a new attitude to wanting to fix all this stuff so I can face women. Face them for the first time.... Im scared to be AS IS around them. I dont know who will accept me and I dont know if I can accept myself right where Im at... will I be good enough; what if Im not.. Ill have to learn how to go through this without feeling like a victim.
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I hate the idea of putting myself out for people who do not appreciate me in the first place. I suppose no one likes this...
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Ill keep working on this... Have God open this up... Im getting closer; I can feel it. Their is a line of pain or hardness and I think I can break into it with time. Just like breaking into everything else within me that has been happening.
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Im not honest with women about who Im not; its so scary for me; its like Ive got this image to maintain...
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