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Consumer 6
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- January 2021
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
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Wake up! Trying to become present
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Planning life as an AVPD
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Another break through
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bulling and apologizing
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My work; to get up close in my imagination
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Get right with God; God is saying
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The message about the sociopath
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Moving forward
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Beginning to move forward
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Im alone again; things are changing.
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getting over old family issues! Home Town!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Apr 27, 2016 6:08 pm

Im not from a home town! I was pulled out of my life or childhood to early!

Im not from anywhere! I was brought up to the age of 10 and dumped off! I was not prepared, nor did I think this would happen! I was just a child, I had no where to go, no way to fight back! My whole young life as a developing human being was destroyed!

Im attempting to get over all of it; including the home town I came from!

I have no interest in this place or its people! Im simply here to get better! Many people have been instrumental in helping me! Saving my life! If they had not come along! Things would not have gone in this direction!

I was awake from 4 years old to 10! And again from age, 14 to 16! I started waking up again at age 50! Within the recovery years, my recovery knowledge got better, but my dissociative condition got worse! Now it is almost gone! I still have PTSD, and that is a handful!

With dissociative disorder, I could not get near anyone! For 15 years, I could only glance at people! I had to form a picture of them in my mind from the glances! I never saw their faces!

When I was able to look at them fully, they did not look how I had formed a picture of them in my mind! Their faces were wider, and their skin, not smooth, but cratered and aged and pot marked! They were not as good looking as I my mind made them out to be!

Some people were much taller then I made them out to be!

Ive been having actual successful conversations with beautiful women; close up! And this was one goal I had with my therapist! The idea; collect 100 phone numbers! Be able to talk to beautiful women feeling comfortable!

One problem in my area; most of the beautiful women Ive met are taken! I might attract many of them; whats the point!

Anyway; back to the subject;

The goal is to get over my original family system! Technically, you have 2 parent level adults and 2 brothers! 3 out of the 4 are authentic sociopath/psychopath! One is marginal degenerate; shallow and very little thinking of subjects of psychology!

I am slowly healing! The inner wounded child is slowly healing from the traumatic shock of being thrown away and the abuses that occur later!

This is no game! They left me for dead in many ways! I was thrown away like an animal! I was in such serious mental health conditions, I would not suspect anyone like me surviving! No survival without help! And a very hard percentage of survival with help!

I must always remember where I came from! Sociopaths are not a game! They are cut throats of anything that breaths! They have non conscious!

I came to this small town to get over the past! And Im finally learning how to do this and become myself again! This will take work; lots of work!

Im starting to remember who I am! Im holding on to the original blueprint and goals! However, most of what the past meant to me is leaving! I have no value to it; it was all in my mind! Nothing real on the outside! The animals that brought me up forged the whole experience for me! It was all fake!

I end up with no trace of the original life I had; or the people involved! This is shocking! This includes a false best friend; Who actually turns out to be no friend; not even a fair whether friend! This person and his family were turning on me as fast as the wind can blow on a saturday winter morning!

The problem was; I was from no where! When I was small! I lived in a house in a neighborhood and had friends! When I had to leave at age 10 ten; no one remembered me! I was a throw away and no longer a part of the neighborhood! When I went back into the neighborhood! I was disliked and hated!

And this prejudice remains today with many of the people I remember from my childhood! I am hated as if worthless! The whole thing is ridiculous!

Im been watching Bradshaw's Home coming! Im heading in this direction; However, Im healing up and have been for a long time!

So, Im still stuck in this town! I appreciate the help from everyone that has helped; especially a women that intervention me! I owe her my whole entire life! Without that simple intervention that got me started in 12 step groups; this whole experience would not have happened!

Im not out of it yet!

I still have to learn to wash my clothing, clean my apartment, pay my rent on time! But it's getting more freer and open as sanity returns to me!


Interaction with the right women, and ignoring the wrong ones! This is the number of the day! Sanity helps in these areas!

Im afraid I need to stay with college based women! I'm starting to see that most who are not do not understand me! I thought I could go out with any good looking women! Not true! I can attract them! But they do not have the same values! And this destroys everything!


The goal of the day is; In writing, create my new story of who I am, whom Im with, where I live, and what am I doing; and act as if

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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