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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Vile hatred and anger.
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Getting blocked: Still going forward

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Oct 06, 2013 1:26 am

At a meeting today I had lots to say!..

I discovered that the core of me had all the answers; it is the 4 year old that is in my core and knows all things about me that is saving me! The 4 year old is in touch with me now! HE/She has been running things from the beginning! and for a long time gave up! As the outside world was destroying me and I was over ran.. GOD KNOWS ME! God and the small child in me are working together to keep the outside me together! directing me in the ways that I go!

The core of me knows what happened to me! It is about my parents from age 0 to 5. I can feel the fear when I write this. I was never safe from the beginning with these people! they were strangers and I had no connection to them! I had to compromise as they took care of me! I did! the state made them! and there greed and ego's made them! They are complete strangers to me! I knew nothing about them! they cared nothing for me regardless of what I got from them!

My fantasy bond kept me alive....

for awhile they appeared normal to the world! It was my fantasy bond that made everything seem OK. It had nothing to do with these people! Any of them. My brothers were never on my side, they were strangers that I really didn't know!

I was scared when I was very young, uneasy, and the first goal I had was to reach out to the community and start growing out there! I had a natural sense to leave the house I was living in and get away from these people and build a life somewhere else.; Looking back on it, it all makes me sick. Sick that a 5 year old, would naturally have to pick this type of direction for themselves; alone.

I was also trashed by the neighbors. These were people I thought liked me and were my friends. Nothing could be further from the truth! I was 100% wrong! later I would find this out the hard way! My friends were never my friends. My friends families never wanted me or liked me! I meant nothing to them! Its insane that I ever put a foot forward towards any of those people! It makes me so sick!

All of it was a joke and a lie. I tried to reach out! that is what it was all about.. the home life I came from was sick, sinister and uneasy! It was false because false people were running it! it was like being in a play with 3 acts, after the acts were finished, the home owners packed everything up, and simply moved out, sold the house and got rid of any evidence that anything had happened on that street... I and my brothers were part of the props they permanently got rid of...

I meant nothing to these strangers.. Nothing! Now I know!

It was never safe in that house or around those weirdoes in the first place.

I hate that this society lets these people around little kids. Its not fair! I never had a chance! I drown in misery and hate. These were sociopaths, nothing was personal! they were low level sycophants that could never recognize anything human! They had no business being around minors.

You would never suspect these fake people if you saw them. Sociopaths are very charming people! They put on a good act, they do or can do quit well economically in society! They can come from prominent families. On the outside everything can look normal! on the inside, all is empty and evil.

I reached out to the community. I thought I had a better chance out there. I did not! I thought I had produced anchors for myself to survive! That I had made relationships and was invited in to others homes and lives. I was wrong! I was so wrong! I meant nothing to anyone.. The whole place was a f%cking dooms day that looked like a giant sweet vanilla cake on the outside! and seeing all of this for what it was is the most important thing that can happen so someone that was destroyed. You are only destroyed within the context of the child-bond fantasy that never was.

My mother treated me like a a piece of meat object. She did not want me to have relationships! I was her piece of meat object and she was not going to share this mindless piece of meat with anyone. She had ownership! This stunted, if not killed my ability to have relationships with people, with girls. I was manipulated or terrorized into believing that I would not get my mothers love if I was not owned by her ( or that I would be thrown away and abandon to the street)!

I hate calling this person a mother! there was no mother here! and real mothers; abusive or not, do not act like the person Im describing here! this is a criminal based sociopath with an under age hostage they abused psychologically to the core level. They manipulated me for years, and a form of manipulation to get me over to there new home across the state. They lied to me about the conditions I was to move into! They had lied that last time I had to move in with her! She worked for the state. She had to look good on paper! she had to take me back! she had to keep up appearances. She had to!

As an innocent person, I did not understand any of this at the time, however, I realized I was seriously being abused psychologically! It was selfish! It was about this sycophants sick desires; it had nothing to do with me! I was in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people! Who this person was (mother figure) was unknown and unclear! I was being terrorized and had no place to go!

The house owners, had purposely sold the house on this street that I lived as a family! then moved away, I had no choice; if I was to join her, I had to move were she was at! She was with a new family! I meant nothing to her, I was a stranger. Her relatives were sicko freaks as well,and none meant anything to me!

My father had left, he started making excuses to leave by the time I was 7. He is dead know. I am safe! I never knew him or liked him. He was a sociopath putting on an act! the act he put on won me over! I was a small child, what the hell kind of f#cking freak tries to win over a small child with false manipulation! and no conscious and lies; no remorse! Pure Evil. Who ever this was, he was not safe to be around children.. And anything that he did was not personal towards me! It was personal towards the human race! I was unknown by these people; I was just an object!

These people were pure evil; narcissist sociopaths. The women was a sadistic sociopath! or psychopath would be a better description! Very dangerous people for children to be around! they had no conscious.

At the age of 5 I was adjusting fine, and felt secure. I felt this way because I had learned how to survive. Later, things would fall apart! and the base of life would fall out beneath me!

The core of me was scared from 0 to 5 years old. and I attempted to branch outward from age 5. I thought all of this was normal. It was never normal; far from it! The fatigue and unnaturalness of the whole thing was 2 much for me! It causes at-least 50% unnatural anxieties that I could not fix when outside in the real world.

Being around these people destroyed my self respect and self esteem. As I had been abused, and was continually being neglected of certain things.. It was my fantasy bond that attempted to make everything seem normal and perfect! As long as I reached out to the outside world, everything was OK. However, when these people got a divorce, all things changed. I was destroyed! I was around sociopathic sycophants. THese type of people are not thinking about the consequences to a little boy, when deciding there actions. They could careless if I was destroyed or ever came back! I had no connection with them! I meant nothing to anyone! they felt nothing and could care less if they ever saw me again!

These people simply moved on and found new people and families to manipulate, and I was no more!

The key point of this is; I meant nothing to anyone because no real humans were there with me! these were sycophant strangers from the beginning! and I was in trouble and under pressure from the beginning.. and most of the strange problems I had growing up if not all, have to do with being forced to be around these people and the outside false greed environment I was forced to circulate in..

The nazi's used to feed the jews in the camp bread! it looked good on the outside! it was made of sawdust. This was an act of base hatred! and an act of forced control economics... my situation was no different! in the end I was thrown away!

My condition continues to get better, as I look at the real truth and uncover the realities of the way things were!

You cant take the baggage with you from your past life. You must open the suitcases, examine the contents; put everything into nice neat piles of similar colors, and throw it all away into separate canisters awaiting for such things, then throw away the suitcases and jump into a new life, never looking back.

It is possible to jump into a new life if you have a new family system to work within your problems. I use massive amounts of tools from 12 step groups.

I lost nothing by giving my past life away, because after analyzing it, there was nothing there in the first place! it was all fantasy! That fantasy died, and with it, I died. Then I called out to God, and he resurrected me.. and that is a work in progress that is going on now!

Life is still bitterly difficult for this agoraphobic. Life outside is tragic and lonely! It is a difficult place for the young child in me! No on exists anymore that was from my earlier life! I am completely alone. and it shows and I wear it outside. This will change when I am up to speed, more in the present.

When Im outside I am 50% of strength of what I am inside. In reality, I leave my apartment to go to 12 step meetings, I go to the store, to the gym, to the church I practice in and for sundays. I have a few relationships with people. Very few, and I suppose those are out of necessity...

I still have a long ways to go just to reach relationships..

I am much better at responding these days, not so good yet at close interaction. Its getting a bit better...

Still have much to process and let go off. For example, the time I spent with my step father! although, I was forced to call him a step father, the whole thing was a sick nightmare joke.. I will have to work through this and process it! it will take much work! it was horrible. And this situation was much like the situation on the last street that I lived. This newer situation took on a life of its own, and appeared to have stability! it had none. In the end. I was crucified again! more proof of the sociopaths running things.. And much confusion exists of this time.. I will have to work this the same way Ive worked through the others..



I have therapists. I have God!@

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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