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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Getting better slowly goes it! ( might trigger)

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Feb 28, 2014 5:17 pm

I have so much running through my head! I am slowly getting better. The last thing I remember, I was a kid. That is the last real thing I remember! Then its lights out! and now Im here, somewhere between then and now! and I don't know how much of now I like! I don't have much of a life in the " Now" Im not sure how to rebuild the now! I will start off where I left of. I think its about the ages 8 to 11. I start out at that level, and I can see the reactions in my head. But its OK. Just as long as other people stay out of it!

I am moving to a place with in, that I can train others to stay out of my business. Out of my way! Im still being intimidated. I have to learn to forgive, I must sacrifice. I have to sacrifice to survive; give up what I want, that the wrong people do not cause problems! Lots of trouble makers use intimidation; get in my face, to get what they want. They want me to back down. They know others will not fight back, that is why they continue with what they are doing!

What does not kill me makes me stronger. What am I pissed of about? No way can half the children withstand what I have gone through to come back to life. They will kill themselves first. They would all hang themselves by the time they were 14; this is ridiculous. How could a society do this. I am a wittiness to this. A first hand witness to it. ITs in my head! I am the eye witness.. I am not safe in the present, I have much work to do. I will be more safe when I heal up. I am safely away from where I came from spiritually and mentally! I don't think physical matters.. A house, the street, the school; Im oK with that at this point. Its the cruelty of the people I associated with; they turned out to be monsters. This reminds me of the third reich.. !

I was so sad; I had nothing; these people did not love me or care about me. Ive learned to prey for others that I do not be the dementor of there night dreams. I do not want to cause others pain or problems. I have to watch; don't get down on myself, because others have bullied me or taken advantage. Forgive them, and move on, do not allow there ways to pull me in. I have to stay away from them at all costs. They are the blind leading the blind; they are true evil. I have seen true evil; it is better to run away and never come back!

I have this self righteous attitude that I have a right to be around these bullies proximity. This is not the proper way of things. These are stupid people! I will never win against stupid. One must run away, and stay away! do not get entangled with these people less I end up in front of the judge. They have social security numbers like I do! If I have a problem with them, I must handle things in a legal manner that keeps me safe from the jailers keys.

When young, I would go to my best friends house everyday! Now, things are different. He is no longer a friend of mine. I thought of him like my brother. I thought I would know him for ever! even un to old age. I forgot to ask him if he felt the same! He did not. I was not his best friend. I was never his friend. And I never knew this! He was corrupt like the rest of his upper class family system; and they look so good on paper! I thought the family was safe; they were not. They were not human! I made a big big mistake!

I have great values, Ive been around not so great people trying to cover up the truth about myself. OR, I was covered up by these great values. I saw only these values. I was completely wrong about the people around me! And the people growing up! I thought they were my friends! I thought I was loved. They were evil. They were parasites. There lives are none of my business. Its incredible when I think about these people.

Its horrible; like the people in Syria; what they have to experience. Its beyond human experience. Theres no way to use words to describe it. I had my own Syria!

Adolf Hitler took the world back 25,000 years to brutal cannibalism of heart, soul, mind, and body inhalation. And to go through this, myself, or some of this at this level, is sadness beyond human expression or demoralization. The general level of bondage! You are not a human, you are a rat! you will never be the same! nor ever will be! The world took me and destroyed me without cause. The world took without my permission! They took a decent child or person who loved themselves and God and killed them off. And it was society, not just one person who did this. And they were all in it together. It was not personal personal. They were ready to attack anyone they thought was weak and vulnerable. The most weak and vulnerable of any society our the children and the elderly. And society must have its sacrifices. The sensitive artist intellectual is also prey to these monsters.

The wolves were not living in the forests on the outskirts of town; they are living in the towns next door to you; The ministers; murderers. the Governor-ships: murderers. The Teachers; can be murderers. The local business people that think they own the place; murderers. The upper middle classes; many murderers... and the list goes on n on and on! ITs all evil, and it seems all are in it together!

Not everyone are murderers, and not everyone bad. But anyone that bows to these type of people and the system they live in; murderers. When the system is more important then the people; the individual, the destruction of the human race and innocent will follow!

And I prey for the poor children that will be ruined by this, torn-into by this. Trampled under foot, and torn into pieces.
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Ive been in the equivalent of cults and watched the evil power rise within them; within a group of people. Ive watched power people start out with nothing and take over a group, much like the third Reich took over Germany, much like bullies take over schools, much like thugs take over a cell block in a prison. I watch this for myself. Ive seen how these thug bullies treat me when Im competing against them. Sociopaths, Sociopaths, Sociopaths.

They start out looking for opportunity to make a name for themselves by taking advantage of other people. Finally, they set it up to be treated like Gods, then they believe they are Gods and should be treated as such! Its sickening, However, its reality! Its cruelty to the followers of this intimidation.

So, Im trusting God! Im Im slowly coming back; Coming back from full PTSD long term, and full 100% Dissociative Disorder and all the other stuff included; the agoraphobia, the clinical depression; and I do not have clinical depression anymore! I had it for 20 years; but not now. Ive healed in these areas. AVPD is still a big big problem; its getting better!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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