So Im getting the message; Get right with God; I know what that means; it means; go back in time where I gave up and threw in the towel and quit... Ill go back in time in my imagination with God and make things right. Ill go back and rearrange the players of that time and make things work out ; re creating the relationships I had regardless of what I think of the people or the situations; Ill make it work until its successful; or appears so... Ill re write the script because God sent me their to those people many many moons ago and God sent me to service others and I did not; I pulled away half way through the process but God never told me to... I pulled away from Gods alignment.
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God sent me to those people to save my life; get me out of the situation I was in; but I did not listen. And I abandon people that were depending on me and God and God working through me. Now; God has me going back into my imagination and re establishing the same relationships and doing them over again; recreating the script and visualizes; re writing everything; And Im doing it and suddenly Im getting stuck. And that stuckness is what I was suppose to discover; take a breather and begin work on it... to work through the hatred and judgment and anger and hostility and fear. The contempt; huge massive contempt; Im actually applying the contempt for my Grandfather who molested me and his wife who was just as evil; I had to live their; had no choice; Im taking all that rage out on the next person that showed up; This girl who I wanted a relationship with; so I could not have one; I blew out completely and run away.... God is now helping me face what I ran away from. Im doing this work so I can re establish myself with God and relationship; thus God will be back in my life sending me to knew people for relationships and Ill be better equipped to handle the situations...... to follow through with God.
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The key is learning to respect the process of being under Gods direction. " I pray for the courage to be under Gods direction" " I pray for the courage to be helpful to others". " I pray for the courage to help the still suffering poor; defined of who or what ever that means... " I pray for the courage to be under Gods care and will and direction". And Im not kidding; its safe under their and thats what I want; that strait line to live under; thats what I want...
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in order to be inline with God I have to go back and re fix what I broke; and get it back in order again thus in the process it gets me back in order.
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I can see a few areas of need; the challenge to break through... I can also see dissociation slam me as I write this so its a kind of deflective AVPD war going on within and around me.
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Im on the right path; im looking for courage to build character to do things. Im looking to build faith so I can build my dreams; Im getting it; it starts with re working my past and getting through blocked areas of contempt and pain associated with specific relationships I never followed through with. In the past I got to leave; not now; when I see the pain and contempt and I start getting angry; NO GO! I dont get to stop; I still have to love the person and keep working through the blocks... I have to learn to love no matter what until this whole this is over and done with; Love her and adore her and tell her God loves her and adores her; and that is all Im suppose to tell her through this whole experiment. And that is good; thats what I was suppose to do in the first place and it was working in the first place. IT wasn't until I stopped and get hateful and resentments and anger and rage and defilement and contempt... It came from abuse; I did not know how to work through it so I ran off. It was all over my head... I had no one looking out for me; nothing.
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God wants me back; back inline with God and healthier mentally. God does not want me taken by an adulterer.... or a seductress... These are Monsters that claim they are my friends while they blunge a knife into my back when Im not looking... These are women who claim to be sincere in there interests of love toward me while at the same time secretly looking at other men if something goes wrong with their plans and they may even initiate trouble for something to go wrong so they can get out of it looking like the innocent factor; Why? So they can go out with that new guy who has more then I do in every direction; every direction accept one; The heart. My heart and her heart are one under the universe; Altho that has power and value to me and to God it does not impress her; she is not interested in her own heart; it means nothing to her... nor the deal she made with God to bring me here to meet her; she rescinds her promise with God and with me.... secretly she seeks to do evil behind my back and Gods; a betrayer...
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The point is; God wants me better so Im not around those betrayers anymore... They will only lead me to death. Its all sad because I never saw it at first....
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Anyway; the work I have to do is to just love; love those within my imagination that God serviced me to love; no changing lanes; full steam ahead.