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Author:  OMNICELL [ Mon Jan 20, 2014 7:06 am ]
Blog Subject:  frustration; discovery! remembering who I am!

"Frustration discovery, remembering who I am"

Prejudice is the word I have been looking for! Possibly with the amount of prejudice I have endured, I could help others. Im afraid "others" are treating me the same way! Im not liked in any direction.
Ive done nothing to no one; amazing! horrible. Hannibal Lecter would do better then I in a social group in this place! I don't know how I could have survived this long!

Im not sure how Im going to survive in the future... If I were a child none of this would matter! Im in the land of adults, and that is the biggest problem!


Im watching a video of girl musicians on a new piano instrument! its breathtaking.. and it reminds me of when I was young before the collapsed of self, before I was overran... before I was destroyed.

Im starting to ask if it is possible to come back to art self! will I allow this to happen. Can I trust being the sensitive real me in the real world. Will I attempt fate, one more time. Is it really up to me! Its up to God... Im damaged marred goods. I have so much to learn.


I do not want to play another instrument or make a singing song when I'm trapped in an apartment with no creative space to work. I will have to talk to God about this. Im not sure what direction to go. I can create music with no singing... how long will that last... I will loose interest.

I have no faith or direction with the arts. I see no solutions. Im never ready for a solution. I wonder why God gave me any talents in the first place; what is the point! I don't own them; I feel owned.

I have no music or art vision. Its not that I can't create a symphony; why should I? that is the main problem. I have no one to hear it. I say this, yet, I have people to hear it, but that does not count either and I do not know why. Possibly, I don't care anymore. I don't care who hears it! and I don't understand why I don't care; possibly Im sadomasochistic! Im a death rattle! I only feel things at the deeper lower end... Ive stopped caring about anything at neutral ground zero.

I do not want to get that caught up in life. Its to much give and take and throw. to much movement in one direction or the other; Possibly to much PTSD problems slamming me; smashing me! triggering me!

Yet, there is movement. Im not sure! I have no vision. Im alone in this apartment and Im alone in the world! and see no vision! I could create stuff, but I do not know why! why should I, for what!

I turn to God! I would have to have a space; a studio! and this has always been the biggest problem.

But I gave up on ever attempting anything in the real world. I can't make it out the front door! Id have to have help! no one sees my talents.. I can't develop if I don't care about anything! So much pain associated with the outside world; Its like moving in concrete; I can't move.

Im cared about by no one! lots of scorn and contempt! thats the best Ive been able to create. Or possibly, they are mad at God and taking it out on me! They are certainly mad at something? I understand, but I don't care. When a pile of ants are crawling on you, you get tired of it! one ant is to many!

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I have to be able to spend a certain kind of time alone with myself! I end up running away from self. the dissociative self is causing much problems. I dissociate and have to run! I can't control it! Im learning about it! its even hard to write about! Its causing problems.

All of this must go to God!

I feel like I could start now! something is willing?! a part of me is willing! willing for what! whats the interest, whats the direction, Im not sure, Im really not sure, Im blocked!

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