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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Friendship and other things

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun May 26, 2013 12:55 am

Why cant I be your friend. Its OK if you want to be my friend. ITs not OK if Im your friend. I don't trust the process. Well, that is not completely true. Im hitting a strange bottleneck in my thinking. I fall away shortly after every commitment. Its not just friends I have a problem with. Its everything!

I want to control and manipulate.

Its:

1. potential girlfriends. Or girls as regular friends; non-romantic. I see I can use them. However, why would I want to; thats not me. Can I not have a friendship with someone! Something is wrong. Something is wrong in my character development.

2. Follow through with a creative project; music, art, dance, theater, camcorder, writing, poetry. Im a very creative person. Something is going wrong with the process. Something wrong with my thinking and feeling. I give up with no hope. Or hope of becoming somebody. Yet, Im not a dreamer. Or I should not have to be one. I have the skill and the talent to do things. I assume its apart of self centeredness and narcissism. Fear. Im looking for answers.

3. Trips: saving money for mountain biking trips. Or, Using the equipment that I have. It seems more important to own it like a trophy then use it. However, that is not the real me. The real me uses stuff and participates.

I have no problem relieving myself by watching porn: women kissing each other all day, and checking out the Playboy bunny centerfolds. This is safe! I wont get hurt. Not that its anyones business. Its not! Yet,

What about the stars, what about my telescopes?

I cant take my telescope outside and look at the stars? Hmmmm..... Something is not right. Im missing out on my life! ITs interaction. Its becoming part of time and the acceptance that time moves on and people and relationships come and go. Its interaction. My mind folds in on itself.

My mind does not respond very well in relational stuff, its to sensitive. I try to hide this and make it seem like Im strong when Im the opposite. The problem with this: its more then the opposite. The opposite would be ; Im shy, and that is not the problem. I have mental rupturing that wont get better. This is different then an emotional shyness. My mind is to weak to be present. Im learning that I have to start at this level; a level of weakness and truth if Im going to be honest with others. I do not have to tell them everything. However, I cant act like this great player that has it going on then fall a thousand feet to the ground when I could not back it up! This wont work for me!... I have to be strong enough to be authentic. Im not sure how Im going to do this. I will have to trust God!

I know fear and anger are behind things.
-------------

When I attempt to put one musical note on electronic music paper, I go crazy! All the negative anger and PTSD problems that come up. I get hit with such rage, I stop. I feel this over whelming need to please. I feel like Im getting used and stretched, like Im a slave to my mother or father, and the music does not belong to me. Its not mine. Its all about performance or nothing, so I don't want any part of it. Its not about the creative process. Its about everyone else except me! Im people pleasing to death. Its about giving it to others so that I can be accepted; when its suppose to be about art and the process. Its suppose to be my process. It is not suppose to be owned by someone else. Yet, ownership seems to be by someone else.

I feel like my narcissistic parents are running me, running everything! I am a puppet! my talents are owned by there love or lack of love. Im trying to please them, when its impossible to please them.

Im switching out at some point during the process. Im not staying present. Ive lost ownership of my self and what creations and activities I choose. I feel like Im owned by someone else.

One second at a time. That is how much I have to work on these things. Its about switching out at the wrong times. Im practicing staying present. I need ownership of my creative self.

The truth is good enough. And Im having a hard time with truth. The past haunts me constantly.

----

What would happen if I put 10,000 notes on a page and made something, not caring what others think. Is that OK. Its seems almost impossible. Its possible for a kid. A kids world can be safe to be! I want to get back to this place of being a kid, and having no competitiveness. Something like that! Im getting closer if I could just get honest.

I have allot of tragic pain and loss from my past. I almost did not survive.

  

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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