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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:56 am

They love the darkness more then the light.

I was addicted to the darkness more then the light. I never loved it. I loved God and was separated from him because I was told by the community that I was not good enough to be loved by God. I was not good enough to swim in a street of sloth. I wanted more then anything to be close to him and his realm. When I was finally at deaths door, and finally at the end of myself, I could join him. Strangely enough, I thought that meant Suicide in heaven..

God allowed my regenerate to happen on earth as well as in heaven. Is this not a blessing or is it a curse. Its a little of both.
Actually it is an authentic miracle. A real Miracle is not free. Their are maintenance costs. Costs for upkeep. Nothing is free down here on earth.

Im grateful, things are better then they used to be. Anything is better then it used to be..

My friends are nowhere to be seen. They will never be seen again..

Im not new to loss. Or to the Psychiatric experience. like so many people, Ive been in and out of the horrors of the Psychiatric condition.. Im a sensitive person in a barbaric world. This world has left me hungry and shoved to the side of the road, pleading for help, pleading for answers, until finally my brain gave out and I could not remember who I was anymore... At that point I was not asking anything of anyone.

I was no-more, anymore...

I was gone, and it looked like it would be permanent... However, God did not see it that way, and he opened doors , and I am slowly coming back to life.. Ive been here before, Hopefully this time things will be more manageable.

As for friends;;

My My My this is a rough life. Nothing has changed since the beginning of civilization.. And I thought because Im an American I would bypass all the troubles... Not now, not so.

I had friends. Ive had many, and many that left me for better people as I had nothing to offer them.. At-least not according to the laws of status and privilege..

I was convinced that I should die that they live as they wished. Now Im convinced that Im Ok.
A little beat up.

I like myself:
Im learning how to like myself. I don't believe anymore the trouble with people is all about me. Im having a change of heart.

People are not what they seem:
My friends were never my friends. They did not care if they ever saw me again. They did not care if god loved me. They did not care about me unless status conditions could be upheld.

These people are not safe to be around. ITs not that they were not good enough to be around me. They were not humans. They were vampires acting like nice vampires. Acting like nice people. They were nice vampires.!! I thought they were humans. sorry, my mistake. mistaken identity... Humans and vampires need walk next to each other on the board-walk, However, not a good idea to go any further. Coffee is out..

First: I thought everyone loved God deeply somewhere within themselves. I just thought that.. That is part of the problem of a fantasy bond. I want happiness. I see light. I didn't see them coming.. Then it was to late.

Sadly enough, I was not enough just the way I am... This is a strange sick form of evil. Not being good enough.. Im good enough for God, Im not good enough for the people in my own country.. Why,? What kind of creepy nightmare is this Human experience that Im not good enough...

Status: The inventory

Motor boat
friends/who you know
economic position conditions
economic future conditions
Who are your family/family history/what did they do for a living
do you own land ?
credit report
where do you live in town
Do you have insurances of different types
Are you good at anything/talents
Are you good looking or average
How much do you have in the bank
Who are you dating/ are you single/are you married
How smart are you/are you intelligent/creative
Mental health problems/Suicide attempts
Physical problems/

What color are you. THIS IS A BIG ONE... BLING/. I would think things would have progressed by now. No.

General status in community.
occupation in community
Who are your business friends in the community
What does your future look like in the community. One would not like to hang around losers that are going nowhere in the community...
Education level in the community
What University did you go to in the community
What social groups do you belong to in the community.
What church or spiritual community do you belong to in the community

From the view of the person judging or taking the inventory:

The above is conditional. It changes randomly according to the persons inventory mood and or clic they belong to, their disposition for the day and who and what they worship. Worship meaning, God or the things in the world. God meaning the creator of all life, all things, The Universe.
The world meaning: Materials owned, false image creation, lovers of self, lovers and worshipers of different forms of pleasures And seekers of popularity for the sake of False God status. Statue status. Worshiping idols status. I make you into a statue and I worship you status. Lovers of themselves, worshipers of themselves.

The inventory list is a points system. For each positive status position I add points to your inventory. For each negative status position I take way points.

This can be confusing for the person being inventoried. It is not all good if one is inventoried in a positive way, as that person may have to fake the positive positions of appearance. For example, if they are perceived as intelligent, they are to act the part. If they are perceived to have money they are to act the part. To act happy. To act smart with no problems.
The point is, one cant win when their being compared to the inventory as either direction leaves them wondering how they are to act and keep up the appearance that everything is OK.

People pleasing is the health word for the day. An insanity for an insane world. Insane is the only way to look normal in an insane world.

And on it goes and goes and goes and goes and goes. The inventory list goes on and on a on for each day , month , years. Your never safe as changes occur momentarily and monthly.. A persons high status score can be devastated by a simple change in friendship, or the discovery of work histories that aren't so acceptable, or money problems that deplete ones over all economic standing.

One minute the University that one attended is a good place. The next minute it is not, as someone else shows up to the party that attended a better University. They are in. I am out. Does the person judging ask what I learned at the University I attended. Did they ask why the decision to attend the University of interest. Was I accepted at other Universities. Was outside stress a condition of the University I choose to study at. The truth is never asked, because the truth never had any interest in the person taking the inventory..

My University experience was vast strange and I learned a great deal. It went on for sometime greater then the norm.. I was so mentally ill at the time of these college experiences that I should have been locked up..
I learned vast amount about many things at universities. I attended several different institutions. Because of the severity of my mental condition I had to find a none stressful experience if I was to finish... The State University I finished from was quit an education. I got everything I needed... Is that OK. is that anyone else's business. I think not...!!! To many broken people in the world. To many spoiled people in the world...

Im trying to make a point from all of the info from above within this post.

This post is about the loss of friendship. However, I have mentioned very little about those that I have lost or what they did or did not do. Yet the undercurrent of this writing is describing a significance. A point of departure. Acceptability to depart from ones self. From ones conscious. From ones nature, From the creator. From sanity to framed disfigurement insanity.

I love. Their fore I am hated.

My friends have left me because I love self more then money. I love love. I love God. I love myself...

I love myself. They cant stand me. They cant stand themselves. They cant stand themselves yet they feel no pain.

I love myself.... Did I do something wrong...!! am I a wrong..@@

Its about what or who I worship. That is what counts.

I am a humanbing, this either means something to someone or it doesn't.
I am honest/or attempting to be honest. It either means something to someone or it doesn't.
I am on my knees to God all day long. It either means something to someone or it doesn't.
I care about the human experience and people:
I don't have to be a social worker to care about social issues, I care because I am attempting sanity. And sane people care about their own kind..

I care about the children and the poor teenagers and the overall condition of the young in my community and in my country. I thought this was normal...
I don't rape, murder, abandon to the best of my ability. If Im going to or want to in any form, I hide in my room with my xbox and leave the rest of the world alone. I think about my role with the rest of world before I go act on it...

I think about people that are going to die. Going to take their lives. Those that have taken their lives. And the last 5 minutes of those that are about to take their lives, and what they are going through, Their experience with death. the loneliness and tragedy.

A nation that has let its people down. Doesn't it matter...

Whats my role in it. did I directly or indirectly help to push someone over the edge. Did I help to kill someone because I put my own interests first indirectly that caused the effect of abandonment upon the mortally wounded, even if self inflicted.
I think about the pain of people. And that it doesn't have to be. Yet I live in a society that breeds disconnection and debased abuse fulfillment as a way of life. Gives credit to those with no conscious yet are good at playing the Stock market, and rewards those who destroy their families in the name of urgent restructured arrogant popularity . You get what you pay for. You get a reward when you becoming a yes men..

Im not interested in corruption even if Im corrupt. Its what I don't have in common with my friends that keeps us from connecting, keeps us living. That is why I don't have lots of friends anymore. Its not worth it. Why would I loss my soul to gain the whole world, For what.

I thought my friends were nice people ,those that didn't want to lose their souls.. I was wrong. And that is the point of departure for me. being nice and loosing one soul are not the same thing. Being nice doesn't mean one has a soul. The kindest deeds of the wicked are still cruel. according to this statement, the wicked are still kind. They are kind. There not humans. Their the wicked. And that is the problem. They are Vampires. Kind vampires. still vampires.

I was incorrect.

I was incorrect from the beginning about this world and those in it. And my presumed position of status and its definitions. its the value system Im having problems with... My idea of status is not to have status. I love myself. Why do I need status..

I am a person that needs. That is because I am human. Because I am human , I need people, I need myself, I need God.. I need love. I need friendship, I need things. I thought everyone knew this. thought everyone thought like I do. That is where the problem begins. They do think like I do. Deep down they are me. There is a difference. They love the darkness more then the light.

They love status more then me and don't feel any pain. That is why they are no longer my friends. I am alone, I have God. Ive been set free...
Last edited by OMNICELL on Thu Dec 22, 2011 4:53 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
2 Comments Viewed 12587 times

Re: Friends

Permanent Linkby Girl23 on Wed May 23, 2012 6:55 am

That was amazing.
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Re: Friends

Permanent Linkby Girl23 on Wed May 23, 2012 6:58 am

by the way, you're not alone in how you feel at all. That sounded completely straight from my own head. And I've said bits and pieces to only a few people. Two to be exact.
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