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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1028)
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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friends..

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Mar 06, 2013 11:34 pm

I lost a friend awhile back...

I think they were a friend. I gauge this on the way I treated them and why they left.

I have to look at my role in things.. this is the hardest part. You cant psychologically torture people then expect them to return, forgive and give you another chance. Thus, is the reason for a relationship with God or one will go crazy attempting to hold on to all that pain alone.

I thought I was better then this person and I would test the waters. I ended up playing them. I ended up loosing them. What was thinking! I paid a heavy price for my game.

Im now in the process of denial withdrawal. Im attempting to accept and move on; what a horrible thing this is to move on! I never wanted to move on. Im being forced or controlled to move on! Such are the rules of the game. I held something against someone, now they are holding the same thing against me. I didn't mean to hurt them.. They meant to hurt me!

I hurt them badly. Im not feeling it yet. In the future, I will feel it. In a couple of years I will feel it.
I have this feeling I will never see them again.

When you are not wanted anymore, the cards are stacked against you! You have to grieve and move on.

Im a good person, does this count. It counts with God; it does not count with this friend that I lost.

Im still waiting for them to come back and rescue me and take care of me! They are rescuing someone else. They have changed boats and are not coming back.

I was not man enough for them. I was scared! I ran away! I was mean to them, then I ran away,. I thought they would chase me. They chased me when I could not move. When it came time that I could run and hide and play the game, they had left and were not going to return. Possibly, I was gamed.
Possibly, they were not nice people. I just needed them to be. I am do nice a guy for all of this. How did I get caught up in all this!

I want a way out of the pain. Im tired of dealing with it.

I need a new life, a new heart.. My heart is broke. I suppose it will take another 6 months of work before I am over this. Its hard when one is caught in there own lies, caught in there miss directed short comings. Its hard when your given a chance to grow and you throw it away and no one shows up again, your left on the street alone, once more.

I causes my own calamity! I was not ready for the big time. I was not ready for success, therefore, I was left behind. I was passed over for another.

I want to purge these emotions and thoughts and feelings and get on with things. I don't want to purge these thoughts and feelings and emotions and not get on with things.

I want my friend back. I want things to go back the way they were. My friend got tired and restless and moved on... Im attempting not to be in denial and make lite of this. I caused it. I was not enough for the person. I needed to be a complete person to deal with this person. I was not a complete person. I was half a person. I guess thats not good enough. They ran off with someone that would fill the bill and left me stranded.

I did not think! If I was thinking, none of this would have happened the way that it did....

-------
I was hoping someone was on my side. They were. However, I ran them away, then they ran some more on there own, they ran and created a new opportunity for themselves and left me behind. Some how I feel betrayed, yet Im to blame. What was my role in it. What was there role in it. I will continue to work on this until the truth begins to unfold.

Did I have unconditional love! I thought I did.

They had conditional love! I did not know this!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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