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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1007)
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- August 2019
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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Forgiveness

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jan 19, 2016 2:30 am

Forgiveness is the corner stone of all things from the past! Forgiveness to the point; you pick a name, and you've got thousands of times of forgiveness associated to that name! " I forgive _________! And pray they have everything I could ever want in my life! I do this 20 times in a row! And then more! I pick a name, or a time or an event!

One big event; the taking or stealing of all the family money and land! I was swindled out of my inheritance And made to sign papers under the guise of friendly caring! Nothing was friendly! I was being exploited and swindled by that specific side of the family it was a crime! I signed the papers when mentally ill! So, what should I do!

At this point; with all the 12 step meetings and groups, and God, and therapists and other places I worship and friends and hope and future! I don't need that family system or its goons anymore!

As for inheritance! This is and can be a tricky deal! Heres the deal; anything they can use to pull me in toward them through control or down to hell; they will do! They can keep it! In fact!, its possible, that God set it up this way that I finally break completely free of that old family system! I am no longer attached to them for better or worse! And God made this possible and I know it! One must forgive a thousand and 10 thousand times, over n over n over n over n over n over n over, until you are set free and your sanity returns to you!

You are supposed to put God first; if you have something against your brother; go fix it or forgive him as much as it takes! And or, until you never think about them ever again! You do not have to go near them! Im attempting to get them out of my thoughts and nervous system; that is the point of forgiveness! It works! It takes along time! But thats fine! So, I pick a name!

The point; I do not want a past! The question is! What am I supposed to do in the future! The present is not supposed to be on the past! The present is supposed to be free so I can concentrate on my imagination, creating my future! I use my imagination to create a world I want to live in that excites me and interests me and gives me enthusiasm! I do not want to be grieved from the past! So, I must get the proper help to relieve anxiety and resentment and revenge and hatred and contempt! And it is possible!

I have worked with therapists for a very long long time on my condition and worked on resentments in 12 step groups using the 4th step and 10th step inventories! Ive so much of this! I don't need to write it down anymore! I can tell you to your face what happened to me and where my resentments are!

I forgive the list of names I have resentments against! I have a list of who they are, what they did to me and how I feel about it! And I practice forgiving as I mentioned in the first paragraph!

I want my life back! Im getting my life back! A life back in the present means; regardless of the image I want to show others! The truth is more important! Im not stupid! I don't go outside yelling at every tall building, every detail of my life that It can be used against me; trampled under others feet and torn to pieces! No No No! Im not that dumb! But I must tell someone my secrets! All that has been done to me! I do this with a sponsor from the 12 step groups and my therapist! And when Im ready, I let little bits of it indirectly out to others I trust!

Girlfriends; biggest problem is not living up to an image I have a false image! The goal is; let the present and the past match in honesty!


If I flunked out of school the whole time in my youth! And I did; it was not my fault! I do not want to tell people I was a strait A student; although I have more then enough potential for such a thing!

I Graduated from college in the 1980s! The later part of the 1980s! That was do to mental illness, addictions and confusion and lost hope, broken heart! And I had no idea of how to manifest a future! I did not know what one looked like! Everything I loved was gone! And no one cared! It took me twice as long to get through college! And I hit their and I hid in others houses for a long time! I could not handle the outside world! And I wanted to go back home as a 12 year old and live at home! My mind was collapsed! I could not function! I could sustain relationships and could not make money! I had no choice to be go back to the bad people and live their if they let me! I went from house to house to house to house to house! Just as I did from age 10 onward! This lasted until I was 27! I had no concept of time or life; nothing! By the time I was 30, I had no more maturity then a 12 year old! I was mentally insane by this point or deranged! Later, I would be completely insane and homeless! And having to give up my potential addictions to drugs at one point and alcohol! Porn remained when I could watch it! I had no girlfriends! Never ever! I was mentally gone! Suicidal all the time!

It's the act of participating in the real world where I don't have protection and no one has to understand me! This freaks me out! I don't want people to know about me! However, I would rather they know more about me then being locked away in an apartment for the rest of my life!

I don't like telling people I live in an apartment! I would rather say a house! But I don't own one or live in one! And I don't have a car! I have nice bicycles!

For the first time last year, I finally took chances and bought my own clothing for the winter! Spent someone saved money and money given to me! Went into dept. a bit! And bought some nice winter stuff for myself! This is a new me! A sign of change and present independence! And it's the real first time for big a change! I did this 10 years before! This type of change! I got in shape, got my hair cut in a new style! And started buying free ride down hill mountain bike clothing as my main style of clothing!

So, the past needs to go!

Im now at the point that I can ask people out to coffee! Ive asked out about 6 people this last week! Most are women! I talked to one guy for a few hours over coffee about theater; playwrights!

The point is; I could not do this before at this level! A few years ago, I could not get near anyone because of dissociative disorder! That is changing!

Whats left is girlfriends! Ive had a few!

Biggest fear to face; rejection! " sorry omnicell, I wont give you my phone number! No thanks! No coffee!"

My ego has to get ready for " NO'! Anyone in the market hitting on girls has to get used to allot of knows and some yeses!

Girls are not prostitutes! You cant just walk up and ask for sex! It generally doesn't work! It does work to get to know someone, and when the girl feels safe, she will start talking the talk concerning sex stuff, and the next thing ay know, your in a sexual relationship with her!

Biggest problem; PTSD! And how to handle it in a relationship! And handle my fears! One area to work on is what I tell myself! Im going to use affirmations to I don't beat myself up so much about the inconsistencies PTSD causes for me in relationships! Im telling myself all of this negative stuff before it happens! And Im learning its all BS! Most of my problem is how I look at and handle the fear of her finding out that Im different because of the PTSD! Im thinking to much about " WHT IF"! So, I have allot to work on! And it can be figured out when I get used to asking women for dates and just Friend-zone coffee dates!

I still need much more practice on coffee dates! Im fairly boring! And when Ive been done with a coffee date, the women seems glad its over! And Im not sure what I did wrong accept talk about myself the whole time sucking all the attention away from her and into me! Its supposed to be the other way around! Im supposed to sweep her off her feet, not the other way around! But I still need to be rescued!

Goals;' the movie " The Secret" and the laws of Attraction; Napoleon Hill; Think and grow rich! Abraham Hicks! BoB Proctor! All people for the Laws of Attraction! and Beginning groups on Facebook for the Laws of Attraction and " The feeling is the secret"! same type of stuff! its all helping me learn how to think in successful ways!; Things I hoped my father would teach me when I turned 12! but instead he abandon me when I was 10! so, now Im learning it! and its after Ive worked on resentments and have a good solid foundation with God!

God;
Things are now different with God! I have a working relationship with God!

Future goals; Im looking for my independence into the present without the past haunting me or making me feel worthless!

I was told I was worthless very young! It was a lie! I am not worthless! This was propaganda shoved down my throat! I was brainwashed by psychopaths; nothing more! Meaning, its all nonsense! Sadistic slop shoved down my throat by sadists! I know better today!

I have goals like everyone! House, SuV for skiing and mountain biking! Creative studio or space for music and art creations of all kinds! That kind a thing! Wealth; at least enough money to cover comfort and the ski bill and the house! Or what ever! I don't know yet, how all of this will happen! It will happen when I manifest it in my mind and I believe!

The Universe will match my vibration and bring all of these things to me!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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