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Fist Blog: Mental illness

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Nov 24, 2011 4:02 pm


Mental illness. I will start with the narrative over view I think . And make this short to start

I have been Dissociative all of my life.

I had plans, they were stopped by violent people, insane people and severe PTSD. The only thing saving me during the time were several alters and God. I was wanted by no one. Criminals don't like me. I point out their criminals because Im not one. That is all it takes. That is all it took. that is why I wasn't liked. So many people are criminals. The only reason the jails are full, is those are dumb criminals. The rest arnt that stupid. One can criminalize others at anytime emotionally and spiritually. Liars, thieves cheats. When Im around these people, they tend to get very mad. After a certain amount of time they begin to act out against me. I guess they just cant stand it anymore. Public humiliation. Or put downs. Crossing boundaries. deceptions. If its a girl. She sets me up with love. MAn, she was fool- n the whole time. laugh-n all the way to the bank.

Ive looked for real people to associate with. Its hard. Its hard in a hard world where one needs clothing and food and shelter and meds or they wont survive.

Im not sure what to think of this world.

I have a few friends. They are different. They were thrown away as well from this world.

I believe in God and I pray to him all the time. That is all I have. God.

I will go to church. Im not scared of it anymore. Im a bit better with less conservative churches.
I find most have very little interest in me unless they think their getting something from me.

Performance Just like a monkey

Im not sure where I fit in except on a stage. That is about the freest place I can think off.

I didn't know I was going to be abandon in this life by everyone. I was. By almost everyone. Nothing is real . Nothing is sacred. Nothing..

All the middle class people are gone. They left as fast as they could, back when I was 11 years old. I didn't even know it. they vanished like a space shuttle heading into space. For those that were left to feed me , I was hated and treated as a second class citizen. Even today some of those people are very old. They only want me around that I may help take care of them before they go. I mean nothing to them. Its all a lie. Even when they smile and are nice. its all a lie. Always has been.

Im still dealing with all the fakes as I try to get well. Its not that they don't want me to get well. Its that because of lack of funding , I don't exist to anyone. Im of little or no importance to anyone.

I have God and the approximation of finding the truth.

doesn't seem to matter what group I get into , I never fit in with anyone. No one would want to treat me with the respect I deserve, they would have to give up all their goods. Im hated at the core , and many would like to control me when they see me. This has been my experience within groups of people. So many idiots trying to reach to the top in-order to be popular. Popular with this, Popular about that. And they are the worst connivers. Always playing everyone and getting into their space. Its a wonder Im still here on planet earth...

Most people didn't want anything to do with me because Im a looser. Im not going anywhere in life. I didn't know that until it was pointed out to me. If I don't perform like a monkey Im out. What about legitimate problems. They mean nothing , to anyone. No one cares. No one is interested. Nothing.

Once I am thrown out of the system. Im finished.
Ive made others look bad. That is what counts.

Many people have mistaken kindness for weakness within me. It sucks. I don't like it. Its hard to break, and heart braking.

those of privilege give me advice on how to fix everything. They ask me to jump through a hoop that is higher then I am. They know as well as I do they never earned that box they stand on that makes that jump easier. They never brought that up when they told me to jump. They just assumed they were special when they were privileged that box to stand on.

Some of us don't have any boxes. Some of us have nothing. nothing except PTSD, Delusions and insanity. Clinical depression agoraphobia and DID.

My innocence is wanted more then an FBI criminal. They would but me on the chopping block for still having a fantasy bond that keeps me happy. Nothing like having something that others don't have but want.

Hatred is all that I have seen out here. Jealously and hatred. Im starting to learn, how I treat others is how I am perceived.

Judgments: that is all I get. All the time.. That seems to be all their is. those comparing themselves to others, and those that are hiding from the fact that this great experiment will be over soon.

Those with no money are over looked. At-least by the descent people. Poverty is concrete. No one cares what happens to you. no one. One is shunned and thrown out. Even if the poverty is no fault of your own..

Im learning to live with my condition that Ive had all my life , a condition that has left me in suspended animation. Its so hard being alone, or cast out. It is the way it is...

Thus the beginning...

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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