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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1028)
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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First post recovery conversation

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm

I just had my first normal attractive expressive and engaging conversation; spontaneous with a professional person; I held my own. But I could not hold the bantering completely; and I could not end the conversation.
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In the past; not that long ago I was still completely disabled conversationally. Lately I've been able to write new stories closer to what I want to change right now; these are imaginative stories that have not happened yet. So; I want to accept a women talking to me; and Im talking to her. So; I visualize and write about it in detail with detailed words; I write about how I met a women in the book store; walked up to her; opened up the conversation at that right moment. kept talking to her; then, asked her out; and we are now at coffee; I write about having her seated next to me and what she's doing and saying and feeling and what Im saying back and feeling and doing. And It forces me to think about what Im really doing and interacting; everything; And at some point; after writing over a thousand stories or much more on numerous subjects of what I want in the future; things are changing.
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Today; A minister was in the church walking by; he's a young guy; with a masters in something. I said hi and shook his hand; not normal for me. He then asked me about my hand; I had a brace on the right hand; I said "to much writing; carpal tunnel stuff"
; but I was expressive and alert and bantering back n fourth with him; never was able to do this in the past.
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I freeze up because of CPTSD. I get triggered and flashback as soon as someone is to close. At that moment; I freeze; my nervous system puts me into freeze mode and I cant move; my nervous system thinks Im relieving a life death event. It happens automatically and Im shut down like a robot.
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So; This time; I was shut down; I was not shut down; 2 different parts of my body/mind are responding at the same time; but their working together; thats never happened before. And their independent abilities. However, Im jagged; Im in the conversation expressing energy; but Im getting triggered numerous times in the process; many times; but also expressing energy in between; and Im forgetting what wer'r talking about and having to grab ahold of anything to hold my own. Im doing Ok; fairly well; but I ridge up and cant end the conversation; Im in a holding pattern; freezing up. This ability to conversate may have shocked the minister a bit; I've never talked with him like this before; Instead in the past; I was a different person; I was aloof and anti social; best I could do. that has just changed. but I could not finish the conversation; I finely had to end it abruptly; but I ended it. So; much in the middle of the conversation was missing; spots and pieces and then a long stillness and I ended it; I was dissociating.
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I was way to scared in the past to have this kind of conversation; to ruptured; I was not present and not allowed to be present with reality like this; to banter with reality. I dreamed of the ability to ever be present or normal again; Im not; but still; signs that Im holding my own...
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So; Im doing better and better; still have a long way to go to feel safe outside; Im getting their.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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