April 2024
March 2024
So; Its slowly working I think. I have to keep at it. Keep visualizing as if Im Im with her in my imagination; grabbing her hands or shoulders and telling her I love her and God loves her; over n over n over over over...
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I know what the goal is; Its not easy work but its possible. Im going to finish this relationship in my head as if done right and completed. I have no idea what that will entail. I can only guess; I can feel the work that must be done. Its not easy; its about going in deep; really deep and personal. God is behind it. That is the point; God brought this to me now; to work on in the place of some fake women I might date. I thought a real women I could work with; but I could trust no one; so God has brought me this imaginative situation to work on. Actually; God is the first priority. And what God is telling me; all things must become right under God before anything else can happen. I must become right with God from the past; all past things must be straitened out. And when Im aligned with God again then present things will be possible.
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God is straitening me out because I wanted to get married; And this is the way he is straitening me out.
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inconsistency with everything. I pull back from everything; I cut it short and leave; just as I was cut short and forced to leave my childhood. And God is creating the work for me to be extended into a new way of completeness. He is teaching me how to do it in my imagination where its safe.
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Im doing it; All I have To do is practice everyday; just like practicing the guitar.
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I am practicing everyday. And more n more; I get a little bit stronger and I realize Im slowly heading to the wall; that wall that separates me from the rest of the world; because I cant stay behind that wall and love someone; its impossible so the universe will have me get stronger and stronger and stronger until I break through that wall. And that wall represents everything. And Im using this girl from the past at the catalyst to break through; but Im not really using her.
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God loved that girl; my first love and I was suppose to cherish her just as God cherished her... I was suppose to love her the way God loved her. I did at first then I took on the characteristics of the abusers and I started abusing her by not showing up around her anymore and turning her into a victim. I was the abuser; I was inline with the abusers and not God. But I actually went neutral and got out of their completely...
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I was suppose to finish what God started. I was suppose to love that girl completely because by me loving her she would know that God loved her. that was how she could tell. And I fell far short of my position with her...
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So; for me to get better; Ive got to get inline with God and I am or have and I go in the direction of God until God tells me to stop. So; I am to please God and love her again. And I will until I am through. Meaning a completed relationship.. And im on the for front of this. Im slowly going deeper. It hurts and it represents everything I have not gone into depth for.
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Its like this.
If I cant complete a relationship with this girl; what makes me think I can complete a relationship with anything.
If Im not willing to complete a thing that God sent me to complete; why would I think I will completely bigger things at a later date.
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And so God is showing me that the little things and the most important things must be completed; I must am suppose to complete the works God sent me to complete and I did not. So; I being back inline with God and back completing the things I was suppose to complete in the first place. And in doing so; many other smaller issues are being addressed because they are surfacing. I will continue this work until it is completed.
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In the process I am becoming completed. I have to reach out for this to become completed and take chances. I would have done this with a real women but God could not find any women that were Honorable and willing to work with me. The ones he sent turned on me and turned on God. They are evil; God immediately pulled me away from them. I understand; I was the same way; not because of evil and I wasn't the same way. I was pushed over the edge from trauma; but the same result; I could not continue.
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One of the big lessons Im learning. God is having me practice with this girl in my imagination; Im learning how to express myself in front of her. I have CPTSD and Dissociative disorder and learned to be a robot around people and never express myself so I could stay safe. I stayed quit and possible safe but never got anywhere in life...
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God is teaching me how to go after what I want with unconditional love. I go after it anyway. Im learning what that is like. And my ability to express myself in front of someone is strengthening and that is the key to all of this. Im getting stronger...
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Because Im getting stronger; at some point in my imagination ill be strong enough to walk into her house in my imagination and freely talk to her sit with her be nice to her play around with her and be emotional with her and express my love and feelings toward her with n more fear. And when that happens; when I conquer this; I will be able to do it in the real world with a real women of my choice; Ill be able to sacrifice and work toward that new women giving it everything Ive got with God behind me.
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The point is; I am to learn how to express my feelings up front and then let them decide. And their it is; for some reason this scares me more than life itself; its hard for me. really hard because of the abandonment involved.
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God is showing me how to practice.
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I will practice until I am good enough to express myself in front of someone again in real time; going after what I want in real time. This means; the ability to walk up and tell the person how I feel because it has to be done.
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It has to be done; I dont like it; I dont like opening up like that when I dont feel safe but it has to be done.
And that specific act causes great fear and anger in me. Im exposed and vulnerable. and I dont like it.
And it is that specific that God is teaching me about; how to handle it by doing it first. So; Im learning how to do it in my imagination until Im no longer frightened of it... and I am truly frightened up if for varies reasons. Its all pure chance taking; I dont know what will happen.
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---------The Goal;
The work is to get my mind to stop dissociating and stay present. I have a complete protective narrative I go into as an altered state(a split). The goal is to stop going into that altered state; stay present. All of this work is about strengthening that system that I can withstand reality and keep from dissociating into that altered state but stay present or; and stay present.
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I had this fantasy of being at a castle in Scotland in an Art school; Im creating Art work in this castle. But their is a problem; I cant get out of bed to get started where Im at because Im defeated because I was defeated in everything. I never cared anymore. I took the attitude of not carrying anymore and it did not work. Not carrying did not get me anything. Im still alive. So; its as if Im 2 people; split down the middle. The person on one side that is defeated and doesn't care about anything or even bothering trying anything. Might as well be locked in the room the rest of my life; why bother trying anything; whats the point; I only go for a certain amount of time then quit. I walk away; thats all I do and all I know how to do. its automatic in my Brain. And then theirs the other person; the person on the other side; the side of the fantasy doing what he loves to do.
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What God is showing me how to do is to breach this middle wall; this electric fence that keeps me decided from myself. That is what all this work is about.
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God is using this girl from the past as the protocol for practice... if I can over come her in my imagination; Then I can over come anything because what Ive been afraid of doing is going back around the old situation and completing it. Going back in and practicing what I need to practice until it is complete...
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So; it starts with this girl; my first love; I will complete it in my imagination facing many generalized fears that affect me in everything I might want to do.
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The effects of this work so far;
So far Im seeing positive results; more then that; stunning results; at some point Ill be able to wake up get an aisle out and start painting with the thoughts; not dissociated of the outside world where I go nowhere but more trained thoughts on where I want to go.
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The dissociated state kidnaps my thoughts and puts in worthless thoughts of going nowhere. Im starting to see that my thoughts are controlled by the abusers of my past; meaning; my thought choices of having no hope; Im still responding this way; as if I have no hope and my thoughts are thoughts I had when being abuse; where my mind went; the hopelessness of the situation and going nowhere in life; I still have those thoughts of going nowhere in life.
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So; this system will bring me to the present and all me to practice being in the present also a fighting system to fight back against pulling back from what I want; Im learning to express myself in front of others like a salesman going after what he wants and in the process I recognize these old thought narratives as being useless thought control from the abusers of my past and thus these thoughts that so easily slip into my mind; this narrative brainwashing must go; and it will and it is; I can feel it showing up; but first I must conquer my first love.
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I must be able to; within my imagination;
return to her home
knock on the door
present myself and say hello
go in
stand with her; in front of her and grab her hands and tell her I love her and God loves her
put my hands on her shoulders and tell her I love her.
when she is sitting at the piano; I walk up behind her and put my hands on her back and shoulders and talk to her and tell her I love her and god loves her; moving my hands all over her body up and down and her neck and her face.
I walk in the door; I grab her hands and we walk and sit together on the couch and just be; or talk
We are on the couch; she lays back into my lap.
I am sitting on the couch; she sits on my lap and I just sit their and allow it and get used to it.
Im sitting outside she is sitting next to me on the porch; or sidewalk grassy area and I put my arm around her; it is sunny out and we talk and I get used to it and learn to feel I deserve her I am good enough for her; because this was a huge problem; I could never get over believing I was good enough for her; I thought she would wake up and notice that; I never felt good enough.
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On; not feeling good enough; That was my problem; thats why I wanted to escape and run away and that may have been why I left; I knew I could never keep up with that; with her; with her privilege; I'm not knocking the privilege; I just never got a chance to do well in life at that time. I was just looking for love. But she never indicated to me she would look for someone better. I loved her; thats why she was attracted to me. But how long could it last; I found myself answering for her and their is the crime.
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" I found myself answering for her and their is the crime"; their is my narcissistic arrogance. I found myself thinking; she will get more successful and I wont; but its the best I can do and it wont be appreciated and it wont be enough. And so Ill answer for her; Ill assume she will not accept me and doesn't have the character for it; she will turn into a shallow privileged person and so Ill help the situation and just leave now. The problem was; what I did was evil; for she was innocent and innocent in the eyes of God. And what I did was pure hate.... covered with a false mask of in·so·lence with a smile.
The fact was; I had no idea what the outcome would be. Wisdom might tell me something but the truth is; It was not wisdom that I was enacting it was sadistic cruelty. I was taking it out on her; but abusive and cruel. And she was innocent and didnt know me this away. And I got CAUGHT. I saw the effect it had on her; and it all backfired. She was not a bad person; she was completely innocent and completely trusted me. And after doing this; I had no place to hide from man or God; God looked strait down from the heavens and looked at me and said; " OMNICELL; What are you doing to my daughter?"; and I had nowhere to run. I realized what I had done and that I was no good and evil and so I just left. I was not good enough for her. I didnt have the character for her. nothing was developed. The whole point of being with her was to get my life developed. God put us together to work with each other. But I wouldn't believe it; I refused to believe something this good could happen for either one of us. and I pulled the plug on it for both of us; and that is the evil crime of it.
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So; here I am now. Im basically back to the same place I was right when I met this girl... Im back. God has me in my imagination with her again; so; we are going to do this again. This time things are going to be different. This time I; right from the start practice knowing how to tell her I love her and that God loves here and thats the main reason Im their. And Ill continue until I freely can tell her anything I want. And that will happened when I earn it through each day of practice.
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What happened to me after cheating her or sadistically treating her with evil and walking away from her; I reverted back into a 6 year old and finally had to leave the area. I had no support so their was no one to support me to help me get back on my feet and face some of these things; I had no one; no family; they were just strangers with contempt that I was in their house or eating their food; they had hate for me; breeding deep hatred. Contempt and much worse. Insolence... large one foaming mouthfuls of it; they wanted me out of their house and their middle class way of life.... They were weak in the eyes of God but the psychopaths was demonic.
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I did not trust that girl or anyone else ever again; and I left the area. I was in a bad bad way mentally destroyed over n over over through trauma... it never ended.
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God is with me now; re teaching me how to get back on my feet again; This will start when my automatic response of dissociation goes away; and I mean it is an automatic response; its crazy. So; the work is to work on this situation with this past girl; cleaning it up. Learning how to respond correctly up front of my motives; not hiding anything.
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The main goal with this girl is to learn to tell her all those things Im talking about in these blogs.
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So; if this happened again and I was transformed back into a teenager and went through this again and got the edge to run; what would I do this time; I would get on my knees and talk to God and find out what Gods will is; does God want me to stick around; yes or no! and their it is; IF its Yes; Then I go back up to the girls house; tell her everything and see what she wants to do. and please remember; I was going nowhere in life. This was not the prime condition I wanted to be in when dealing with a girl. But it was what it was; I was brilliant and had massive potential but no way to use it; I was destroyed from trauma and getting worse. but God never said this was an excuse not to love this girl and be with her; And that is the lesson.
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This has to be completed; this lesson of visualization with this past love; it must be mastered with no problems... its that simple; when I start thinking about other women; women of today; wonder if God wanted me around them; I stop; and I get redirected back to the work with this girl when I was young; the work that is going on in my imagination.
In addition to this work; Im also learning to work through my imagination again... that was also taken from me dissociated out of me by bullies. So; im getting the right; or permission to use my imagination again and think through it and use it... God wants that capability back as well.
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Not their yet. It will be a while until I earn my way past the Siegfried Line back into life again and my own life. I can see the dissociation that keeps me disabled; It takes my mind; kidnaps it. I need my mind back to make decisions. I dont need to being taken to a Giant movie screen and having chosen movies played for it over n over n over that serve it no good and serve me no good; I suppose its what I did when I was being abused; thats where I escaped to make sense out of all It; but its not needed anymore. Its kind of a disorder; its automatic...
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Could all this lead me not only into taking art seriously again; but house about Piano; Something I have never been able to make any sense out of; what to do with it... but how about back into school subjects like mathematics; is it possible. Could I get everything back; my ability to GET INTO things again; be apart of things... Could all of this work be leading back to this.
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As I write about it; I see my mothers face; and their it is; thats the main issue; getting ride of or working through my mothers influence on my life; that is the great fear; so; we will see where God takes me on this.
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I miss my best friend; I cant believe he was not my best friend or a friend; I take this to God its so sickening.
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The other problem is; Im not doing what God tells me; thats the main problem. The women I complain about; I complain They are not doing what God tells them. Actually; I was not doing what God told me to do; I pulled back. They were doing what God told them to do; they were doing it naturally; they were naturally attracted to me and coming toward me. But I did not respond nor tell them what the problem was. And Im going to have to do those things If im going to have a girl friend. So; coming out of my room from under the covers is mandatory if Im going to get a girlfriend. I have to be present.
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Why is a girlfriend so important; because My mental health must improve. I must be over my dissociative disorder to the point that I can respond in real time and or express myself and tell the women what is going on and who she is getting involved with. Women; are the carrot at the end of the stick that sits in front of the houses on the buggy.... Women and relationships motivate me; they are one of the primary reasons Ive gotten so much better with my condition and I fight to get better; to have a girlfriend. my mind must be straitened out; and for that to happen; its against all odds considering how bad the condition has been; but; Ive been extremely motivated and that is not something one sees with these type of conditions... SO; their is a method to my madness.
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