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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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First day of the new recovery

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Feb 23, 2021 1:11 am

I was walking along the side walk in this small town from a meeting. A women showed up next to me about 20 feet away coming down a grassy knoll. She was walking briskly; and it appeared she had kind of an attitude. She ended up in her car about 50 feet in front of me park up next to the side walk; I knew what to expect; she would jump in away from me and then set her alarm to go off as I walked by. And sho enough; It; three or 4 times. I could feel the arrogant attitude of these modern times.
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But things were different this time; instead of focusing on hate toward her and giving her attention; I didnt need to. I focused on what was in my imagination. I was imagining my first love and standing in front of her holding her hands telling her I loved her; Over n Over n over n over n over. This is what im suppose to practice; The point is; I know my worth; this is the first time I walked by someone holding my identity of who I am regardless of what their doing. I know me. you can act any way you want to it will not change what I think about myself. The women walking by me; pure evil; Who cares. Im working on bettering myself and Im working on something that will not stop. Ill just get better and better and better the more I work on it... Who cares what someone else may or may not be thinking about me... I dont have to focus on that today. I know now my worth.
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This is the kind of strength I was looking for and its happening for me; but it will take along long time for the 2 halves of me split down the middle that are separated; it will take time for this to heal; but its trying to heal and Im trying to help so I can bring back my self worth. ITs working.
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Im visualizing and its working; stuff Ive mentioned in my previous blogs.
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One of the mains goals is slowly starting over again to feel good about myself and head into the right direction. The social aspect is of most importance.
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So; Im repairing the Childs broken abandon position. Im slowly getting the child moving forward into a new life considering what happened to me.
The abusers wanted to scare him out of his identity; Ive decided that wont be happening; he will stay on the same street he was thrown away on; we will figure something else out for him; a way for him to get help and survive and stay the same; be the same kid... be the same kid and do the same things as if he was still in that house. This is all hard. it sucks but is necessary.
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I have allot of growing to do here. many things I was going to do with my life when young; all cut off; things I was going to study in school and things I would have done and plays I would have been in and vacations I would have been a part of. Many things.
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So; many things to get caught up on; but not yet. First I have to heal and healing is happening the more I work on repairing old relationships that got mangled because of my dissociative condition.
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So; I was just visualizing and I just had the break through I as looking for. I saw myself at the house on the coast with the step father and my mother; Im basically around people that hate me; if you can understand what I mean here; pure hatred or contempt because Im a decent person.
My life has not even started yet; its been locked down from the abuser from the past at the basic inner hardcore level; the kind of thing that creates monsters or psychopaths that end up in prisons for 30 years ,..
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So; In my imagination I see that girl I loved; but its more now; ive said I Love her over over n over n over n over; a thousand times now in my imagination; and Ive fought to touch her and hold her and tell her I love her and God loves her over over n over.
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Suddenly I see myself in my this house on the coast and the real hate for me; its a trauma hate; its meant to say Im not wanted and never have been wanted and please leave our house as if im a viral infection.. a bad seed; of course in reality; Im the most decent of people and top quality human being but im dealing with weirdo's... But im hated and they want me killed. Thats what it comes down to; and I mean that in a away of saying. its pure hate; they want me dead. Thats even a lesser statement. These are educated people who dont want to share their house with me... altho im underage and Im what houses were built for; for my future. But that wont be happening here. .
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im trying to make a point. Being in that place I became shut down because I was hated and given away one more time; I had to leave; their was no one their that liked me. I was hated and no future with those people; but again I had nowhere to go; completely traumatized.
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Heres the deal; I was completely shut down through a hate abuse... the lie that I was loved or maybe looked or wanted was over again. So; I was completely shut down through abuse.
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OK; in my imagination; I see myself with this my first love. However, as Im doing this stronger and stranger and stronger; Something happens; Im in this house on the coast; I break out. I go to a room; I Get him the phone; I call this girl; I tell her I love her and im coming over. I see myself doing this in many different scenarios; numerous times in my imagination.
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Heres the point; its like I just became Hercules; the strength to bust through in a scenario of way back then; YEs; That is what Im looking for. . Because its a massive strength that busts through the abusers and Im back free to do what I want and God is behind it. And in this scenario; I get the girl back; the people at the house no longer count for anything and I dont need them nor expect anything from them; however, Im young at that time; I still eat their. But even that will become question later as they dont want to feed me anymore; and that I think is common when they hate the children or young people their; they dont want to feed them anymore; they get resentful that their dollars are keeping them alive.
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The point is ( I broke out); that was done with Gods help and Gods design. What would it have meant; I would have been back up at the girls house; I would have been going out with her which would have given me another house or outlet to hang out at... And I would have married her... and I would have moved onto to independence.
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So; with the ability to break out like this; what does it mean for me now; this success in mental exercises; It means I have to ability to understand how to see someone again for love; when that love builds; my strength goes 3 times as strong with God behind me and I become fearless... and go after what I want. meaning a wife when Im ready.
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What does all this mean; God is my parent and God is doing a very good job bringing me up again. IT means I can take care of my social needs... Im not sure how to translate everything socially that I need to a specific kind of visualizations; ill have to work with God on this stuff.
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It means with God behind me; and visualization practice I can gain massive strength toward what I want to do and it means much more than this.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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