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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1007)
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- August 2019
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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Fining myself or facing myself

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm

The goal now; is finding myself and feeling good about myself while doing it; I lost protection and a family very young and was no longer protected and had no trace of where I came from; meaning; I was thrown away. Lots of people die from CPTSD... The horrible damage to the personalty leaves me so warped I do not know who I am. I soon die from it when in this condition.
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My goal is to accept whats happened and move forward to learn who I am; get me back from the past. And start living again as I am.
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Ive noticed that Ill accept myself as a high school graduate or 9th grade or the equivalent; but not a college graduate. And that has to changed, Massive critical voices ripping into me when I want to see myself as a professional . I see my mothers voice ripping into me at a young age. Im not protected; I was never protected; the only things that protected me were the house and neighborhood I lived in. And in that neighborhood were people that I could process my internal dialogue and nature; and then it was all taken from me.
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So; Im looking for those places again; that which was taken from me.
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Ive found some of it in 12 step meetings; but anyone can come through the doors and the wrong type of people show up at times. Im OK; but it makes it unsafe for me to share.
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My goal is to become and intellectual again; that means books and plays and music creation and art creation and writing and many other things dealing with intelligence and creating; I was severed form this; I would like it back. Ive never been able to get into anything; make anything work; trauma is the cause.
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I have allot of work to do; my goal is to become independent of the 12 step meetings; this means; Im back inline with myself and living again at regular stuff; thats the goal. We will see.
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Ive been able to divert into the 12 step meetings from reality because I dissociate from reality; now; I would like to come back to life again; Ive spent enough time in those meetings; its time to set some other goals; and its hard; Im still dissociating with flashbacks; Ill work on it; Im flash backing while Im writing this; its that strong. Its critical voice; and it has to be smashed and I come back too life and see myself in a fond light of reality; Im a really good person; but the critical voice smashes me into nothing.
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Im remembering swimming when I was a kid.
Im remembering the water smashing and feeling Im safe with a family; but then Im desolated and alone. completely alone.
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So; Im trying to come out of that aloneness.
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I have to continually watch what that critical voice is telling me; the goal is to have good thoughts and tell myself great things
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I have allot of work to do on myself; I hate being so alone; that is part of the problem. Im completely alone; Im trying to work through the past with GOds help to move on to an unknown future; one Im trying to put together but Im nagged by the past; Im trying to work through it; God knows this; Im trying to get in touch with the past and be myself again

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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