| Psychology and Mental Health Forum | |
https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/fining_myself_or_facing_myself_b-12934_sid-7b2d24ed4c8f3ed6604ba5ebfe17c6c0.html |
|
| Author: | OMNICELL [ Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Fining myself or facing myself |
The goal now; is finding myself and feeling good about myself while doing it; I lost protection and a family very young and was no longer protected and had no trace of where I came from; meaning; I was thrown away. Lots of people die from CPTSD... The horrible damage to the personalty leaves me so warped I do not know who I am. I soon die from it when in this condition. . My goal is to accept whats happened and move forward to learn who I am; get me back from the past. And start living again as I am. . Ive noticed that Ill accept myself as a high school graduate or 9th grade or the equivalent; but not a college graduate. And that has to changed, Massive critical voices ripping into me when I want to see myself as a professional . I see my mothers voice ripping into me at a young age. Im not protected; I was never protected; the only things that protected me were the house and neighborhood I lived in. And in that neighborhood were people that I could process my internal dialogue and nature; and then it was all taken from me. . So; Im looking for those places again; that which was taken from me. . Ive found some of it in 12 step meetings; but anyone can come through the doors and the wrong type of people show up at times. Im OK; but it makes it unsafe for me to share. . . My goal is to become and intellectual again; that means books and plays and music creation and art creation and writing and many other things dealing with intelligence and creating; I was severed form this; I would like it back. Ive never been able to get into anything; make anything work; trauma is the cause. . I have allot of work to do; my goal is to become independent of the 12 step meetings; this means; Im back inline with myself and living again at regular stuff; thats the goal. We will see. . Ive been able to divert into the 12 step meetings from reality because I dissociate from reality; now; I would like to come back to life again; Ive spent enough time in those meetings; its time to set some other goals; and its hard; Im still dissociating with flashbacks; Ill work on it; Im flash backing while Im writing this; its that strong. Its critical voice; and it has to be smashed and I come back too life and see myself in a fond light of reality; Im a really good person; but the critical voice smashes me into nothing. . Im remembering swimming when I was a kid. Im remembering the water smashing and feeling Im safe with a family; but then Im desolated and alone. completely alone. . So; Im trying to come out of that aloneness. . I have to continually watch what that critical voice is telling me; the goal is to have good thoughts and tell myself great things . I have allot of work to do on myself; I hate being so alone; that is part of the problem. Im completely alone; Im trying to work through the past with GOds help to move on to an unknown future; one Im trying to put together but Im nagged by the past; Im trying to work through it; God knows this; Im trying to get in touch with the past and be myself again |
|
| All times are UTC | |
Powered by phpBB © 2002, 2006 phpBB Group www.phpbb.com |
|