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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1052
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1753)
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Starting to show First Signs of breaking away from individuals o
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The Gift from God…
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2 goals; elements of accomplishment
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Work Ethic is Needed Please
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Some Solutions; Lot of Hope
   Thu Mar 07, 2024 5:39 am

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Fining myself or facing myself

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm

The goal now; is finding myself and feeling good about myself while doing it; I lost protection and a family very young and was no longer protected and had no trace of where I came from; meaning; I was thrown away. Lots of people die from CPTSD... The horrible damage to the personalty leaves me so warped I do not know who I am. I soon die from it when in this condition.
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My goal is to accept whats happened and move forward to learn who I am; get me back from the past. And start living again as I am.
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Ive noticed that Ill accept myself as a high school graduate or 9th grade or the equivalent; but not a college graduate. And that has to changed, Massive critical voices ripping into me when I want to see myself as a professional . I see my mothers voice ripping into me at a young age. Im not protected; I was never protected; the only things that protected me were the house and neighborhood I lived in. And in that neighborhood were people that I could process my internal dialogue and nature; and then it was all taken from me.
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So; Im looking for those places again; that which was taken from me.
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Ive found some of it in 12 step meetings; but anyone can come through the doors and the wrong type of people show up at times. Im OK; but it makes it unsafe for me to share.
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My goal is to become and intellectual again; that means books and plays and music creation and art creation and writing and many other things dealing with intelligence and creating; I was severed form this; I would like it back. Ive never been able to get into anything; make anything work; trauma is the cause.
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I have allot of work to do; my goal is to become independent of the 12 step meetings; this means; Im back inline with myself and living again at regular stuff; thats the goal. We will see.
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Ive been able to divert into the 12 step meetings from reality because I dissociate from reality; now; I would like to come back to life again; Ive spent enough time in those meetings; its time to set some other goals; and its hard; Im still dissociating with flashbacks; Ill work on it; Im flash backing while Im writing this; its that strong. Its critical voice; and it has to be smashed and I come back too life and see myself in a fond light of reality; Im a really good person; but the critical voice smashes me into nothing.
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Im remembering swimming when I was a kid.
Im remembering the water smashing and feeling Im safe with a family; but then Im desolated and alone. completely alone.
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So; Im trying to come out of that aloneness.
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I have to continually watch what that critical voice is telling me; the goal is to have good thoughts and tell myself great things
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I have allot of work to do on myself; I hate being so alone; that is part of the problem. Im completely alone; Im trying to work through the past with GOds help to move on to an unknown future; one Im trying to put together but Im nagged by the past; Im trying to work through it; God knows this; Im trying to get in touch with the past and be myself again

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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