Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1052
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1753)
Archives
- March 2024
Starting to show First Signs of breaking away from individuals o
   Tue Mar 19, 2024 5:55 am
Seeing green when its Red...
   Tue Mar 19, 2024 3:49 am
A gift from God #2
   Sat Mar 16, 2024 9:21 pm
The Gift from God…
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 5:29 pm
2 goals; elements of accomplishment
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 1:41 pm
Work Ethic is Needed Please
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 4:46 am
Some Solutions; Lot of Hope
   Thu Mar 07, 2024 5:39 am

+ February 2024
+ January 2024
+ December 2023
+ November 2023
+ October 2023
+ September 2023
+ August 2023
+ July 2023
+ June 2023
+ May 2023
+ April 2023
+ March 2023
+ February 2023
+ January 2023
+ December 2022
+ November 2022
+ October 2022
+ September 2022
+ August 2022
+ July 2022
+ June 2022
+ May 2022
+ April 2022
+ March 2022
+ February 2022
+ January 2022
+ December 2021
+ November 2021
+ October 2021
+ September 2021
+ August 2021
+ July 2021
+ June 2021
+ May 2021
+ April 2021
+ March 2021
+ February 2021
+ January 2021
+ December 2020
+ November 2020
+ October 2020
+ September 2020
+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Finding self

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Mar 31, 2018 8:35 pm

.
Finding self!
.
As I look for myself; what I want to do in life; I realize; One major problem is; Im controlled by outside sources; outside of my control! My dissociative condition controls me; I would like it to stop! No matter how many meetings I go to; I cant seem to get to the source of the problem when speaking! I know Im letting off steam; However, Im not getting anywhere near a solution; the goal is to interact with those I want to interact with; I call this freedom! and to find occupation; meaning the things I do with my hands in front of me; be spontaneous with self!
.
Occupation; it seems that when I start something; I feel like Im missing something else! If I start art; I feel like I should be doing mathematics so I can have something to do with outer space! When I create music, I feel like Im waisting time! I should be doing something like accounting where I would make money! However, I don't like accounting! I like mathematics; Yet, Im not trained in mathematics; unfortunately, I never had the opportunity when young to develop in any form of mathematics! I didn't get a chance; to much abuse through neglect and no stability!
.
I know the old stories of what I cant do and why!
.
When it comes to women; I feel like I fall short! no possible way Im going to find anyone with enough depth to understand my situation! Im not going be accepted! Women are to shallow; their only interested in money! Where are the women that are real! or have some character and depth.
.
All of these negative thoughts and stories control my present situation! Im not sure I know what story to fill in my present with a positive aspect; it hurts to much!
.
I could be a writer; but whats the use! Ill fail before I start because I was a throw away! thats how it feels! I was not good enough to be in a house hold! I was thrown away!
.
Why should I bother with this; when I was thrown away by it! and the anger is present because of this! However, this is doing no good! This way of thinking!
.
What do I want! I want a wife and truck and what everyone else wants in this life I guess! For some reasons,Im still plying the down n out person! and theirs pleasure associated with it! Im attempting to change this the best I can! I don't believe I can be anything more then a bum in society or a throw away outsider! I will always know who I really am! but I wont give anything to society or the stupid part of society; the shallow part! I seemed to have missed the development to rise above society to the better aspect of society and be apart of its; Im not sure of the direction Im suppose to go in order to achieve this!
.
.
I have allot of excuses for my future but not so many reasons to live or be alive! just a look of pain I want to dissociate from! I don't want to be a down n outer! Id like to have direction for my life! That would be nice !
.
Im using allot of excuses; I would like to change this!
.
Im always telling myself; self; become an artist and it will solve all your problems! or start writing music and it will solve all your problems! or write something and it will solve all your problems!
.
Im at the point that my outlook on things is part of the problem and direction! Im not motivated in any specific direction!

.
How do I get motivated in one direction?; I m working with the universe on finding a direction! " universe, bring me the plans for my direction, anyway I can get it". I think direction is part of this problem! or the direction is right in front of me and I cant see it! Im resentful!
.
The problem is my outlook on things! no matter what I choose; the direction; I have the same miserable attitude about it and my future! I feel like Im always being forced into a future less of what I really am! OK; so, what future was I suppose to be in! thats the problem Im trying to understand or fix!
.
So, I have anger and resentment that is in the way! A real chip on my shoulder or anger about what happened to me by this society! and Im trying to get over it and get on with my life! thats what I want, However, something is missing! Im trying to bring this dissociative missing piece back to my life! Im not sure what it is Im in denial about! it could be various things or all things of what happened to me when young! Do I need to figure out what happened or is the problem that things were overwhelming to me and I could not escape; so, I have to learn to get over all the pain regardless of what happened?
.
I know I want to escape!
.
I know that I would want to do something 18 hours a day; like Thomas Edison in a lab! I have to work with source energy on this!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 6393 times

Who is online

Registered users: anonuser8267, Bing [Bot], davidbrandt899, Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, jaus tail, Majestic-12 [Bot], Victorhuq, ViTheta