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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1136)
- January 2021
Wake up! Trying to become present
   Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:48 am
Planning life as an AVPD
   Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am
Another break through
   Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:51 am
bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

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Finding self

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Mar 31, 2018 8:35 pm

Finding self!
As I look for myself; what I want to do in life; I realize; One major problem is; Im controlled by outside sources; outside of my control! My dissociative condition controls me; I would like it to stop! No matter how many meetings I go to; I cant seem to get to the source of the problem when speaking! I know Im letting off steam; However, Im not getting anywhere near a solution; the goal is to interact with those I want to interact with; I call this freedom! and to find occupation; meaning the things I do with my hands in front of me; be spontaneous with self!
Occupation; it seems that when I start something; I feel like Im missing something else! If I start art; I feel like I should be doing mathematics so I can have something to do with outer space! When I create music, I feel like Im waisting time! I should be doing something like accounting where I would make money! However, I don't like accounting! I like mathematics; Yet, Im not trained in mathematics; unfortunately, I never had the opportunity when young to develop in any form of mathematics! I didn't get a chance; to much abuse through neglect and no stability!
I know the old stories of what I cant do and why!
When it comes to women; I feel like I fall short! no possible way Im going to find anyone with enough depth to understand my situation! Im not going be accepted! Women are to shallow; their only interested in money! Where are the women that are real! or have some character and depth.
All of these negative thoughts and stories control my present situation! Im not sure I know what story to fill in my present with a positive aspect; it hurts to much!
I could be a writer; but whats the use! Ill fail before I start because I was a throw away! thats how it feels! I was not good enough to be in a house hold! I was thrown away!
Why should I bother with this; when I was thrown away by it! and the anger is present because of this! However, this is doing no good! This way of thinking!
What do I want! I want a wife and truck and what everyone else wants in this life I guess! For some reasons,Im still plying the down n out person! and theirs pleasure associated with it! Im attempting to change this the best I can! I don't believe I can be anything more then a bum in society or a throw away outsider! I will always know who I really am! but I wont give anything to society or the stupid part of society; the shallow part! I seemed to have missed the development to rise above society to the better aspect of society and be apart of its; Im not sure of the direction Im suppose to go in order to achieve this!
I have allot of excuses for my future but not so many reasons to live or be alive! just a look of pain I want to dissociate from! I don't want to be a down n outer! Id like to have direction for my life! That would be nice !
Im using allot of excuses; I would like to change this!
Im always telling myself; self; become an artist and it will solve all your problems! or start writing music and it will solve all your problems! or write something and it will solve all your problems!
Im at the point that my outlook on things is part of the problem and direction! Im not motivated in any specific direction!

How do I get motivated in one direction?; I m working with the universe on finding a direction! " universe, bring me the plans for my direction, anyway I can get it". I think direction is part of this problem! or the direction is right in front of me and I cant see it! Im resentful!
The problem is my outlook on things! no matter what I choose; the direction; I have the same miserable attitude about it and my future! I feel like Im always being forced into a future less of what I really am! OK; so, what future was I suppose to be in! thats the problem Im trying to understand or fix!
So, I have anger and resentment that is in the way! A real chip on my shoulder or anger about what happened to me by this society! and Im trying to get over it and get on with my life! thats what I want, However, something is missing! Im trying to bring this dissociative missing piece back to my life! Im not sure what it is Im in denial about! it could be various things or all things of what happened to me when young! Do I need to figure out what happened or is the problem that things were overwhelming to me and I could not escape; so, I have to learn to get over all the pain regardless of what happened?
I know I want to escape!
I know that I would want to do something 18 hours a day; like Thomas Edison in a lab! I have to work with source energy on this!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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