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OMNICELL
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Finding my voice

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm

Expressing my opinion was shut down because I was thrown away when young by those and society who were suppose to protect me; society got in on it and murdered me as well; it was like having my opinion shoved down my throat; and terror took its place... It was like have my life ripped out; A child needs a stable base on which to speak; and that base was pulled out on me as a child; which is totally immoral; but psychopaths are lawless; they have no concept of morality; nothing...
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My voice was shut off as a boy; if I stayed quiet but had a stable background; that would have been different; but it wasn't; I was used and continued to be used; I knew something was not right; but I did not know it was my Dad that was causing it; that the neglect was coming from him; it was; but I was to young to recognize it; I thought he was on my side. Later I would realize; he was on no ones side; he was a sociopath and a potential serial rapist of women... And a fraud; a sociopathic fraud. He was not safe for anyone to be around; certainly not children; because he would use them; he would be-friend them for a purpose; general to act out his social elite fantasies; meaning; he could walk around and show the world that he had a family and was a father; in reality; he was not paying for anything; monetarily he was not a father. What does this mean; it appears he wanted to play house; I wanted to play with the children but not feed them. And at some point; with further inquiry; he didn't play all that much or of any length of time with the children. In fact; he was only seen when he was home. And he wasn't home all that much; he was in the works for himself; The kids were along for amusement or boredom; and were present for nothing more. I was used; I was an opportunity for my fathers interests in other places; he would take me places; to peoples houses so he could look like an important family man; he would not take my older brothers; only me; now I know why; my older brothers already knew what these animals were like; they knew he was exploiting children and he could not get away with it with older children; but a 5 year old he could get away with it.
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As far as my mother; no mother; a psychopath waiting in the wings to see if my fathers family pans out as an opportunity for money; if it falls through; she's gone; that is her only interest in staying in that family system; she has no other; the money and a place to hide. She made a mistake on this marriage; This is her 5th attempt at a marriage relationship; by the time she's with my father; I believe he is number 2; she tried to be married several time; but they fell through. She may have been married a 3rd time before Im born; Im not sure; no on told me when I was young that she had been previously married. I did not know she had been married before. She tried to hook up with a boy in high school; The boys parents saw what she was; and got the boy out of their. She tried to hook up with a guy in college; he got out of their. She married a guy in college; another guy; married for 5 years; He got out of their. My father was a kid from a farm; she thought she had it made; He was dumb and innocent and believed in love; how foolish; he did not understand women and or hypergamy; he knew nothing about their nature and that their main interest is resources... He was innocently in love with her; Im so sorry! She thought she had a fool she could manipulate like a monkey in a zoo; but it backfired. My father was brought up on a ranch; he had to work every day of his life from a very very young age... Farmers are moral woodsman people. They have standards of a certain nature. My mother walked into a moral trap; something her psychopathic background could not have detected or understood; she did not understand spiritual concept; she had no soul; did not understand morality or its purpose. She was looking for a host and found one in my father and his family; she thought she had it made; but it didn't work that way; he lost his position on the ranch; because his brothers were immoral and sociopathic in other ways; the whole of the family system was evil; pure evil in a specific sociopathic conditioning. They were family oriented on the outside. but on the inside they were all monsters with old time morals. I mentioned they had morality; The old school morality; They were taught it; lets say; but the whole of the system was sociopathic... and it was creating monsters... My father was one of those creations.
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My mother had been tricked; she didn't know; she thought she had found a sucker; what she had married was someone identical to herself; very closely related; She had married a sociopathic rapist. She did not know or care; she was a psychopath and could careless who she had married; she had married for money and covert hiding; she was hoping to hide in this family system and look normal.
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My mother was controlled by my father; She allowed this for the resources. she was not allowed to attack children; unless my father was not present; then her psychopathic nature took over and she would encircle you in some form.... And the true monster would be seen; and it is more hydrous then any monsters on a TV show or movie; this was the true form of evil; it make Linda Blair look like a school girl; for those who do not know who Linda Blair is; she gained fame by being satan possessed in a movie from the 70's; and at that time was well known as the example of evil personified; her character. I don't know what would be the equivalent today in movies of such a person; probably better to look at villains in video games for comparison; Zombie apocalypse or something; probably have to look toward politics for that... Or people specifically in government that have proven sociopathic to the people.
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Its so very sad and traumatizing for me to talk about; because I was just an innocent kid; a child; and child should not be exposed to this...
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So; my voice got shoved down my throat when I realized or began to realize what these monsters were. I realized what my mother was; not safe; she was immoral; extremely immoral. She was crooked; not strait up or honorable or in her place with nature. She was the opposite of good...
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Nature puts a women and man in place with it; the universe runs on laws and these laws govern all things; and she was not inline with the laws of nature; she was corrupt or crooked.... or both; in the end she would be all things evil. In the end my father was all things evil; I saw what my mother was about at the age of 3 1/2. I began to see what my father was about at the age of 7. It will take years and the beginning of adulthood to understand the names of these creatures; I was 16 when I knew what my mother was and that I had to stay away from these hideous creatures for good; and of course my life was even more shattered and destroyed; and I already been destroyed and now I have to make it on my own; impossible; and way to much pressure or stress for anyone...
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Looking back; I remember being around my father and thats all I needed to feel loved. In reality; my father was not taking care of me; I was around him; hanging around him and I thought that; " thats him taking care of me". He was never present and never taking care of me. I was young and innocent and did not know the people I was living with were not like the cartoon characters in the Saturday morning TV shows. I had lots n lots of character and evenness and I was right with the universe completely; God and the universe smiled upon me everyday. But soon the bad people from many directions would start showing up. Or I would grow and began to see they had been around me.
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What I didn't know; I was already dissociative and shut down; my opinion was shut down and I was transferring everything to the TV shows; my life; I was avoiding reality and only holding on to what made sense as a boy.. I had no opinion; how could it; all things I had to hold inside and let them out some other way; I never let them out; I was destroyed before this..
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Im now becoming my best friend; I and myself have joined the same team with the same agenda and goals; we are in unison; that is the goal; my soul and I are joining together as friends walking side by side. I was separated; now I "we" have come together.
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Im finding something interesting; the reason I don't have what I dream of; I don't feel worth it; not feeling worthy; but as I heal and have more confidence; I get to see this unworthiness from an inside perspective; I get to see the damage of what the psychopaths did to me; and learning how to heal from it; I am healing. but worthiness is stopping me; not God. Its a place of desperation and separateness; Im separated from self in this area.

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So; when it comes to worthiness; I know no more then a 5 year old; In fact I know nothing.
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Worthiness; for it has not been developed yet; I remember being in my parents house and I needed them for reassurance and self worth. And I mean that; self worth was never developed; It was never developed; I remember being 3 1/2 years old and being berated by the psychopath while I was in the car; I just held onto the seat and looked away until it was done; It was not about me; " You" statements where used against me; it was meant to harm me; abuse me; but I secretly knew better; I knew this evil person did not know me; did not know the inside of me.
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I was to young to be blamed for what this women was accosting me with; I knew that. I had nothing to do with this strange lady that was saying all this bad stuff; but she kept saying it to me; using " you" statements. I did not know who she was talking to or why; it made me sick because she was a low life scum bag; I was better then this; much better and I knew this; And I knew my father would protect me from this rat... this worthless trader...... Unfortunately; later, my father would not protect me from anyone; he would abandon the family the way he had planned all along. I had no chance and no way of preparing or even knowing who or what I was living with; I was only 3 1/2-4-5-6 years old; and I had to deal with all that. And at 6 I was thrown away; and it showed up in 1st grade immediately...
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The point is; Ill continue to talk about this stuff un raveling it. To escape and help and start my life; I found friends from the first grade to associate with. I went to their houses; these friends in first grade; I thought they were my friends; and I thought they truly liked me or were my friends; they were never my friends and did not care who I was and I was not friends of theirs; I was being used and simply never knew it; never saw it coming; I thought it was safe for me to travel around the neighborhood and hang out with other families; and if they wanted me around it was because they loved me; I was lovable and they respected and appreciated me. WRONG! They never even liked me; I was a perfect stranger and would remain so. But what about these friends; Their families never wanted me around; what about them; well; they did not need my friendship; they were taking a break from their studies; nothing more and it meant nothing more to them; seeing me was nothing more then a few moments of break time. For me; their families were my life blood; it was all I had to sustain my life. But when they turned on me and I needed them most; I was devastated and shocked and heartbroken and destroyed; I was terrified because I had not known they didn't like me; I am still scared to this day when I think about them; for they led me on the whole time. One might be able to give the children a break from what they did; but the adults knew what they were doing.
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They were all I had. and in reality; I had nothing. And they knew this from the start; for I was not wanted by any of them; I was actually a latchkey kid that was just hanging around. I was not wanted; they had to make excuses for me to hang around; I thought they were close friends; it was a lie. I had no friends. I was being used. the parents of these kids knew what they were doing. Some specifically were using me to baby sit their kids... and that was my only purpose; when in a few years their kids got older; I was no longer wanted or needed; the job had been done. later in life after recovery work; I had to do the un think able and pull the plug on my memories of these people as if I had never met them because non of it was ever real. it was all a fall out; faked by fair weathered people who never liked me. These people thought my brothers and I trash. I remember this; but could not understand it. because I was not trash. I did not understand; later I will understand..... I was not dealing with normal people; I was dealing with some that were wealthy; and they thought they are superior to other human beings; They were my enemies because they thought their money made them better; I didn't know about them; the way they think; I had no idea they were talking behind my back and didn't want me near them or their children; I didn't know they were better then me; actually; they are sociopathic in their own way; and creating pathological performers as children; either way; they are all evil; and thats not my business. So hard it was to be betrayed; the feelings of betrayal when I had no one; only these friends. I had no idea it was coming; never saw the knife being thrown at me. And the whole time these people thought of me with contempt; looking at me as white trash; and I never understood; for they felt this way from the beginning. If I had known they were not my friends and they saw people like me as their enemy; I would never have bothered to know them; they wanted to be worshiped; they didn't want friends. I didn't know this about them until only recently.... In the last 2o years... Actually I knew about it by the time I was 10 years old; but didn't understand.
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Finally later in life I stopped my association with these people; I had stopped it years before but still had a heart for what I missed or perceived as reality; The reality was quit different; in fact; it was opposite. Their were never any friends ever; no matter how many little class mates I managed to talk into bringing me home with them....
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So; No self worth; I remember going skiing with my father and things like this made me feel great and feel loved; but it was a silent love; a silent appreciation; However, their was no love their; and no-one paying any attention to me; I was being used as a object so the host would not have to go skiing alone. If he stopped at the chalet to eat; it was on his wife money; we would all be feed and he would look like the hero; in reality; he was not paying for anything more working to pay for us. my mother was flipping the bill; but understand she does not care either way; nor does she care if I'm dead or alive. And never had; she is waiting; she is waiting to see if he fallows through with his bigger family; if he gets money. When she realizes she has made a mistake marrying this guy; she closes up shop and leaves. Leaving me...
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I would turn on a movie or child sitcom on TV; and in the TV show; it would explain to me what was going on in my house hold; and this is what I was told by the actors in the show " Your father loves you and this is how he shows it; he shows it to you indirectly". That last sentence is what I heard from a character actor playing a part in a sitcom from a show in the 60's. One brother is talking to the other about their father; One of the kid actors explains to his brother in the sitcom that his father took him fishing and bought him a fishing pole and that is the way his father shows him love; and they both agree and laugh and have to admit they have good lives.
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These Tv shows; family shows were showing me within it scripts; showing me how a normal American family acted. So; I believed it; if one of the sons in the TV show had a problem with love from his father; I assumed it was the same for me. This show was a teaching show; teaching me about my fathers psychological behavior and my interaction with it; I was being taught by a tutor about my family; the TV set was the other brother in the family; the teacher; the tutor that taught family life; and I was the best student.
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So; if that kid in the show told his friend that his father showed loved indirectly; took him skiing or bought him a bike or took him on vacation; I assumed and believed whole heartedly that it was the same for me and my Dad; These shows; I figured; were reflections of the American life. If the kid in the show got indirect things in place of love from father; then it must be the same for me... And Id watch other shows and it was the same for those kids in those sitcoms; in fact a whole world existed; of rules and laws within the standards of 1960 sitcoms; all of them fit together to create a giant illusional world of family life. And I took all of it as teaching of what the outside world was really like. I used these sitcoms to teach me about friends; best friends, school, brothers and family life. IT was if I was brought up by the Tv shows to explain to me what was going on in real life. I trusted those TV shows with my life as if those shows were my extended family; like a trusted family dog; they were obedient and trust worthy.... And in reality; they may have been for many kids in that era. For underneath the TV sitcoms; the boat that was supporting my life was sinking and moving and bending and the heal was allayed cracked but I did not know about it; it had been cracked before I was born; it was never safe to start with....

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However, in the end I had to wake up; I was forced to wake up; for the foundation of my world sank; TV was a dissociative element in my life keeping me from dealing with reality; the TV shows were not real; they were not my friends showing me anything about real life or what was going on in my family or anyone else; nor were they correct about the school system no about brothers or friends or best friends. I had a whole world of television showing me what life could be like; not what life was.. And the dichotomy between this false world of hope created on the TV set and the realities of real life going on around me; I would never be able to handle the gap between these 2 worlds, In addition; I started watching tV at age 4 I think; yes! And thats were life starts for me; in the television set; if you take that part of my young life away and have me look at how often I actually interacted with my parents; its very little. I was truly abandoned and did not know it from an adults perspective. I didn't have a chance. No chance to survive. Nothing.... I was in a dream world and had no chance. I had a TV set protecting me in my life; and that would not last long... everything would come tumbling down. I did not have a TV set with me to protect me from corrupt teachers or bullies.
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Now; Im learning how to have my own voice again; And Im learning about self worth; something never developed ever; I don't remember any self worth concepts when at the age of 4. I remember protecting myself at the age of 4 and on up; that I remember. I had this defensiveness that I was to good for people; I was special and the whole world was waiting for me.. I would never make it; I would have the world pulled out from under me while still a young child and I would be destroyed.
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And Ill keep writing about these things until all power is out of them and Ive moved on; I have a long time before that happens.
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The new truck example;
So; My self worth; When I think about buying a new truck; what is stopping me; self worth; their are many things that stop a person from a goal; and Ive worked on many things; whats stopping me now; what appears or shows up that stops me is a lack of self worth.
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Im finding I have no self worth; nothing; just a white blank chalk board. It never got developed; between the TV set years and protecting myself from my mother and secretly never getting any other development and spending my time with false friends and their families; nothing gets developed; Im leaning on others to survive and dont know how to survive myself.
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I dont know how to survive myself; and self worth is part of the equations of self preservation; so is confidence.
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So; Im at this place of exploring the pathways of self worth. How do I get to that pathway of a truck; that leads me to a truck; how do I get " up" to that pathway. These are things one is suppose to learn when very very young; I never learned them; no one around to teach me how to develop self worth; nothing.
Im now on the pathway to learning about it.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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