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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1109)
- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
   Thu Nov 26, 2020 7:11 pm
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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Finding my voice

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm

Expressing my opinion was shut down because I was thrown away when young by those and society who were suppose to protect me; society got in on it and murdered me as well; it was like having my opinion shoved down my throat; and terror took its place... It was like have my life ripped out; A child needs a stable base on which to speak; and that base was pulled out on me as a child; which is totally immoral; but psychopaths are lawless; they have no concept of morality; nothing...

My voice was shut off as a boy; if I stayed quiet but had a stable background; that would have been different; but it wasn't; I was used and continued to be used; I knew something was not right; but I did not know it was my Dad that was causing it; that the neglect was coming from him; it was; but I was to young to recognize it; I thought he was on my side. Later I would realize; he was on no ones side; he was a sociopath and a potential serial rapist of women... And a fraud; a sociopathic fraud. He was not safe for anyone to be around; certainly not children; because he would use them; he would be-friend them for a purpose; general to act out his social elite fantasies; meaning; he could walk around and show the world that he had a family and was a father; in reality; he was not paying for anything; monetarily he was not a father. What does this mean; it appears he wanted to play house; I wanted to play with the children but not feed them. And at some point; with further inquiry; he didn't play all that much or of any length of time with the children. In fact; he was only seen when he was home. And he wasn't home all that much; he was in the works for himself; The kids were along for amusement or boredom; and were present for nothing more. I was used; I was an opportunity for my fathers interests in other places; he would take me places; to peoples houses so he could look like an important family man; he would not take my older brothers; only me; now I know why; my older brothers already knew what these animals were like; they knew he was exploiting children and he could not get away with it with older children; but a 5 year old he could get away with it.
As far as my mother; no mother; a psychopath waiting in the wings to see if my fathers family pans out as an opportunity for money; if it falls through; she's gone; that is her only interest in staying in that family system; she has no other; the money and a place to hide. She made a mistake on this marriage; This is her 5th attempt at a marriage relationship; by the time she's with my father; I believe he is number 2; she tried to be married several time; but they fell through. She may have been married a 3rd time before Im born; Im not sure; no on told me when I was young that she had been previously married. I did not know she had been married before. She tried to hook up with a boy in high school; The boys parents saw what she was; and got the boy out of their. She tried to hook up with a guy in college; he got out of their. She married a guy in college; another guy; married for 5 years; He got out of their. My father was a kid from a farm; she thought she had it made; He was dumb and innocent and believed in love; how foolish; he did not understand women and or hypergamy; he knew nothing about their nature and that their main interest is resources... He was innocently in love with her; Im so sorry! She thought she had a fool she could manipulate like a monkey in a zoo; but it backfired. My father was brought up on a ranch; he had to work every day of his life from a very very young age... Farmers are moral woodsman people. They have standards of a certain nature. My mother walked into a moral trap; something her psychopathic background could not have detected or understood; she did not understand spiritual concept; she had no soul; did not understand morality or its purpose. She was looking for a host and found one in my father and his family; she thought she had it made; but it didn't work that way; he lost his position on the ranch; because his brothers were immoral and sociopathic in other ways; the whole of the family system was evil; pure evil in a specific sociopathic conditioning. They were family oriented on the outside. but on the inside they were all monsters with old time morals. I mentioned they had morality; The old school morality; They were taught it; lets say; but the whole of the system was sociopathic... and it was creating monsters... My father was one of those creations.
My mother had been tricked; she didn't know; she thought she had found a sucker; what she had married was someone identical to herself; very closely related; She had married a sociopathic rapist. She did not know or care; she was a psychopath and could careless who she had married; she had married for money and covert hiding; she was hoping to hide in this family system and look normal.
My mother was controlled by my father; She allowed this for the resources. she was not allowed to attack children; unless my father was not present; then her psychopathic nature took over and she would encircle you in some form.... And the true monster would be seen; and it is more hydrous then any monsters on a TV show or movie; this was the true form of evil; it make Linda Blair look like a school girl; for those who do not know who Linda Blair is; she gained fame by being satan possessed in a movie from the 70's; and at that time was well known as the example of evil personified; her character. I don't know what would be the equivalent today in movies of such a person; probably better to look at villains in video games for comparison; Zombie apocalypse or something; probably have to look toward politics for that... Or people specifically in government that have proven sociopathic to the people.
Its so very sad and traumatizing for me to talk about; because I was just an innocent kid; a child; and child should not be exposed to this...
So; my voice got shoved down my throat when I realized or began to realize what these monsters were. I realized what my mother was; not safe; she was immoral; extremely immoral. She was crooked; not strait up or honorable or in her place with nature. She was the opposite of good...
Nature puts a women and man in place with it; the universe runs on laws and these laws govern all things; and she was not inline with the laws of nature; she was corrupt or crooked.... or both; in the end she would be all things evil. In the end my father was all things evil; I saw what my mother was about at the age of 3 1/2. I began to see what my father was about at the age of 7. It will take years and the beginning of adulthood to understand the names of these creatures; I was 16 when I knew what my mother was and that I had to stay away from these hideous creatures for good; and of course my life was even more shattered and destroyed; and I already been destroyed and now I have to make it on my own; impossible; and way to much pressure or stress for anyone...
Looking back; I remember being around my father and thats all I needed to feel loved. In reality; my father was not taking care of me; I was around him; hanging around him and I thought that; " thats him taking care of me". He was never present and never taking care of me. I was young and innocent and did not know the people I was living with were not like the cartoon characters in the Saturday morning TV shows. I had lots n lots of character and evenness and I was right with the universe completely; God and the universe smiled upon me everyday. But soon the bad people from many directions would start showing up. Or I would grow and began to see they had been around me.
What I didn't know; I was already dissociative and shut down; my opinion was shut down and I was transferring everything to the TV shows; my life; I was avoiding reality and only holding on to what made sense as a boy.. I had no opinion; how could it; all things I had to hold inside and let them out some other way; I never let them out; I was destroyed before this..
Im now becoming my best friend; I and myself have joined the same team with the same agenda and goals; we are in unison; that is the goal; my soul and I are joining together as friends walking side by side. I was separated; now I "we" have come together.
Im finding something interesting; the reason I don't have what I dream of; I don't feel worth it; not feeling worthy; but as I heal and have more confidence; I get to see this unworthiness from an inside perspective; I get to see the damage of what the psychopaths did to me; and learning how to heal from it; I am healing. but worthiness is stopping me; not God. Its a place of desperation and separateness; Im separated from self in this area.

So; when it comes to worthiness; I know no more then a 5 year old; In fact I know nothing.

Worthiness; for it has not been developed yet; I remember being in my parents house and I needed them for reassurance and self worth. And I mean that; self worth was never developed; It was never developed; I remember being 3 1/2 years old and being berated by the psychopath while I was in the car; I just held onto the seat and looked away until it was done; It was not about me; " You" statements where used against me; it was meant to harm me; abuse me; but I secretly knew better; I knew this evil person did not know me; did not know the inside of me.

I was to young to be blamed for what this women was accosting me with; I knew that. I had nothing to do with this strange lady that was saying all this bad stuff; but she kept saying it to me; using " you" statements. I did not know who she was talking to or why; it made me sick because she was a low life scum bag; I was better then this; much better and I knew this; And I knew my father would protect me from this rat... this worthless trader...... Unfortunately; later, my father would not protect me from anyone; he would abandon the family the way he had planned all along. I had no chance and no way of preparing or even knowing who or what I was living with; I was only 3 1/2-4-5-6 years old; and I had to deal with all that. And at 6 I was thrown away; and it showed up in 1st grade immediately...
The point is; Ill continue to talk about this stuff un raveling it. To escape and help and start my life; I found friends from the first grade to associate with. I went to their houses; these friends in first grade; I thought they were my friends; and I thought they truly liked me or were my friends; they were never my friends and did not care who I was and I was not friends of theirs; I was being used and simply never knew it; never saw it coming; I thought it was safe for me to travel around the neighborhood and hang out with other families; and if they wanted me around it was because they loved me; I was lovable and they respected and appreciated me. WRONG! They never even liked me; I was a perfect stranger and would remain so. But what about these friends; Their families never wanted me around; what about them; well; they did not need my friendship; they were taking a break from their studies; nothing more and it meant nothing more to them; seeing me was nothing more then a few moments of break time. For me; their families were my life blood; it was all I had to sustain my life. But when they turned on me and I needed them most; I was devastated and shocked and heartbroken and destroyed; I was terrified because I had not known they didn't like me; I am still scared to this day when I think about them; for they led me on the whole time. One might be able to give the children a break from what they did; but the adults knew what they were doing.

They were all I had. and in reality; I had nothing. And they knew this from the start; for I was not wanted by any of them; I was actually a latchkey kid that was just hanging around. I was not wanted; they had to make excuses for me to hang around; I thought they were close friends; it was a lie. I had no friends. I was being used. the parents of these kids knew what they were doing. Some specifically were using me to baby sit their kids... and that was my only purpose; when in a few years their kids got older; I was no longer wanted or needed; the job had been done. later in life after recovery work; I had to do the un think able and pull the plug on my memories of these people as if I had never met them because non of it was ever real. it was all a fall out; faked by fair weathered people who never liked me. These people thought my brothers and I trash. I remember this; but could not understand it. because I was not trash. I did not understand; later I will understand..... I was not dealing with normal people; I was dealing with some that were wealthy; and they thought they are superior to other human beings; They were my enemies because they thought their money made them better; I didn't know about them; the way they think; I had no idea they were talking behind my back and didn't want me near them or their children; I didn't know they were better then me; actually; they are sociopathic in their own way; and creating pathological performers as children; either way; they are all evil; and thats not my business. So hard it was to be betrayed; the feelings of betrayal when I had no one; only these friends. I had no idea it was coming; never saw the knife being thrown at me. And the whole time these people thought of me with contempt; looking at me as white trash; and I never understood; for they felt this way from the beginning. If I had known they were not my friends and they saw people like me as their enemy; I would never have bothered to know them; they wanted to be worshiped; they didn't want friends. I didn't know this about them until only recently.... In the last 2o years... Actually I knew about it by the time I was 10 years old; but didn't understand.
Finally later in life I stopped my association with these people; I had stopped it years before but still had a heart for what I missed or perceived as reality; The reality was quit different; in fact; it was opposite. Their were never any friends ever; no matter how many little class mates I managed to talk into bringing me home with them....
So; No self worth; I remember going skiing with my father and things like this made me feel great and feel loved; but it was a silent love; a silent appreciation; However, their was no love their; and no-one paying any attention to me; I was being used as a object so the host would not have to go skiing alone. If he stopped at the chalet to eat; it was on his wife money; we would all be feed and he would look like the hero; in reality; he was not paying for anything more working to pay for us. my mother was flipping the bill; but understand she does not care either way; nor does she care if I'm dead or alive. And never had; she is waiting; she is waiting to see if he fallows through with his bigger family; if he gets money. When she realizes she has made a mistake marrying this guy; she closes up shop and leaves. Leaving me...

I would turn on a movie or child sitcom on TV; and in the TV show; it would explain to me what was going on in my house hold; and this is what I was told by the actors in the show " Your father loves you and this is how he shows it; he shows it to you indirectly". That last sentence is what I heard from a character actor playing a part in a sitcom from a show in the 60's. One brother is talking to the other about their father; One of the kid actors explains to his brother in the sitcom that his father took him fishing and bought him a fishing pole and that is the way his father shows him love; and they both agree and laugh and have to admit they have good lives.

These Tv shows; family shows were showing me within it scripts; showing me how a normal American family acted. So; I believed it; if one of the sons in the TV show had a problem with love from his father; I assumed it was the same for me. This show was a teaching show; teaching me about my fathers psychological behavior and my interaction with it; I was being taught by a tutor about my family; the TV set was the other brother in the family; the teacher; the tutor that taught family life; and I was the best student.

So; if that kid in the show told his friend that his father showed loved indirectly; took him skiing or bought him a bike or took him on vacation; I assumed and believed whole heartedly that it was the same for me and my Dad; These shows; I figured; were reflections of the American life. If the kid in the show got indirect things in place of love from father; then it must be the same for me... And Id watch other shows and it was the same for those kids in those sitcoms; in fact a whole world existed; of rules and laws within the standards of 1960 sitcoms; all of them fit together to create a giant illusional world of family life. And I took all of it as teaching of what the outside world was really like. I used these sitcoms to teach me about friends; best friends, school, brothers and family life. IT was if I was brought up by the Tv shows to explain to me what was going on in real life. I trusted those TV shows with my life as if those shows were my extended family; like a trusted family dog; they were obedient and trust worthy.... And in reality; they may have been for many kids in that era. For underneath the TV sitcoms; the boat that was supporting my life was sinking and moving and bending and the heal was allayed cracked but I did not know about it; it had been cracked before I was born; it was never safe to start with....

However, in the end I had to wake up; I was forced to wake up; for the foundation of my world sank; TV was a dissociative element in my life keeping me from dealing with reality; the TV shows were not real; they were not my friends showing me anything about real life or what was going on in my family or anyone else; nor were they correct about the school system no about brothers or friends or best friends. I had a whole world of television showing me what life could be like; not what life was.. And the dichotomy between this false world of hope created on the TV set and the realities of real life going on around me; I would never be able to handle the gap between these 2 worlds, In addition; I started watching tV at age 4 I think; yes! And thats were life starts for me; in the television set; if you take that part of my young life away and have me look at how often I actually interacted with my parents; its very little. I was truly abandoned and did not know it from an adults perspective. I didn't have a chance. No chance to survive. Nothing.... I was in a dream world and had no chance. I had a TV set protecting me in my life; and that would not last long... everything would come tumbling down. I did not have a TV set with me to protect me from corrupt teachers or bullies.
Now; Im learning how to have my own voice again; And Im learning about self worth; something never developed ever; I don't remember any self worth concepts when at the age of 4. I remember protecting myself at the age of 4 and on up; that I remember. I had this defensiveness that I was to good for people; I was special and the whole world was waiting for me.. I would never make it; I would have the world pulled out from under me while still a young child and I would be destroyed.
And Ill keep writing about these things until all power is out of them and Ive moved on; I have a long time before that happens.
The new truck example;
So; My self worth; When I think about buying a new truck; what is stopping me; self worth; their are many things that stop a person from a goal; and Ive worked on many things; whats stopping me now; what appears or shows up that stops me is a lack of self worth.
Im finding I have no self worth; nothing; just a white blank chalk board. It never got developed; between the TV set years and protecting myself from my mother and secretly never getting any other development and spending my time with false friends and their families; nothing gets developed; Im leaning on others to survive and dont know how to survive myself.
I dont know how to survive myself; and self worth is part of the equations of self preservation; so is confidence.
So; Im at this place of exploring the pathways of self worth. How do I get to that pathway of a truck; that leads me to a truck; how do I get " up" to that pathway. These are things one is suppose to learn when very very young; I never learned them; no one around to teach me how to develop self worth; nothing.
Im now on the pathway to learning about it.


Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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