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finding and painting rocks

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm

When I was a kid; 5 years old; one of the things I loved to do when I got to the vacation spot was go to the lake; look in the water for rocks. It was a totally personal experience. and Im looking to have that kind of experience again; this time directed by the universe; I know what I want to happen; how I want it to feel.
As a man getting older and and worrying about stress; things like rock hunting went out the window. But this is a different kind of rock hunting; this is the child in me rock hunting again as if I was 5 years old.
I have to feel safe and loved and solid inside. The key is pure fun or happiness; Im happy about getting my rocks.. I dont need anything else to make me happy; thats the key; to get back to this point.
It might take awhile. iTs personal and its a " here now" thing. All is well " here now". Its about being present.
Biggest challenge; enjoying the experience of collecting rocks.
I know how to enjoy the experience of collecting rocks; I have to prepare myself first... I have to get rid of all other thoughts that are created by the pain body within me; that pain wants to collect attention; and I dont want to give it attention; I want to put attention on other things; I know where the pain is coming from; its the part of me that was raped and destroyed when living in the next house at the age of 10 to 13... That was beyond a brutal nightmare; it was more like being in the middle of a war; thats what it did to me; pure in human reality; day after day; over n over n over until I was hipper alert and could not function anymore. like being in a horror game; but I had no gun against the monsters; all I could do was run and hide; over n over n over or be captured by the monsters; destroyed; and run away again. No judicial system came for them or protected me; no one cared...
The judicial system is a joke... it only protects the businesses the rich and the government. and it protects the flow of money through the basic farmer or laborer all the way to the states capital into the hands of the state run accountants that transfer it to the central bank executives; All corrupt. And that is what judges are really for; to protect a province from criminal disruption that tanks the money avenues; bleeding it of currency.
I have a nagative side; and Im trying to learn how to have the child like side of feeling safe covert and free; rock hunting is one of those things. I dont have to go for mineral based rocks of importance; its nothing more then how they look to me; just as it did when I was 5 years old or 4 years old; maybe...
The goal is to become so independent of whats going on in the world around me; feeling so loved and cozy in the present that I can collect rocks and think that Im not suppose to do more then this at that time; I dont need to do more then this at the time.. Its a form of building independence; a freedom of what I think about. And its part of the process; Ill be doing many things like that every day I think. We will see.
what will I do with the rocks; Ill pray about that. Maybe ill make a shrine out of them for people I know who have died; Ill make a burial area for them from the rocks Ive found...
I must work with the spirit that is in me...
So; I can tell you about the front end of this experience; how cool it is to collect rocks; but after that; what do I do with them; thats a different story with very little recovery; and it might be the most important awaking of this experience; Im not their yet; I may have to collect several hundred batches of rocks and see what I do with them to find out spiritually, what this is all about.. Its about not giving in. Not giving into the brain washing that the collective society is more important then the individual. I dont have to getanything in return; like; "I got to get paid for this or Im not doing it"; Im trying to get away from that mentality when it comes to doing things that are fun. I want to collect things because I makes me happy and feel good and nothing more added; Its like living in a childs world; thats what Im trying to accomplish; that means no adults or adult thinking; thats the goal; to extend this to the point of being free of adult thinking nonsense and get back to only doing what makes me feel good; me; being totally in control of what makes me feel good; no others invading outside sources.
Its like collecting foot balls when a kid; you dont say to yourself; after I collect these Ill sell these and make a mint; thats not how children are; its a childs thing; its important in a childs world development; the collecting of things and putting them on the wall; its part of them; they are defining who they are; and Im attempting to go back into that world and be apart of it.
So; I can collect the front end of this childhood like experience; making it legit; making it established I think; after that; it gets murky; Goes into he negative; as if society then starts telling me why and what to do with these rocks; as if society owns them and me and makes my choices for me; the brainwashing in my mind or the brainwashing of my mind; as it goes deeper; go further into sleep and the world takes over again;

what to do with the rocks; how I feel about it. having a positive attitude that in the face of society saying; dispose of something not worth money; get rid of it; it has no value;Its empty; who says its empty; who's values are they. Im listening to a deeper set of my own values that should have never been violated or ruptured in the first place. I decide what is important and of value; and its personal. no one elses business.

In the face of that kind of negative belief; the child in me has an earlier belief of positiveness. And rock collecting is part of that. and is about keeping the rock collection and feeling proud of it. Its not at all about money; nothing. And so; I have to learn to love life again like that; where its not about money or feeling under the whip of society.
Anyway; Ill have to collect a certain amount of batches and see what happens; see how I feel about it.
what I can learn about it and learn about myself from it. Learn to come out of the coma induced brainwashing of society; and get back to living my life according to what makes me happy.
At some point; I have to start living my life as if; and its not easy starting over.. but its necessary until I get used to it as a new way of life....

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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