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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
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   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

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Feelings

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 21, 2018 5:49 am

My feelings have been destroyed; thus the act or aggression of psychopaths did this! and completed the job! However, Im in recovery to recover them!
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Im slowly learning how to bring them back out into the world! hopefully the right world!
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I have massive deep brutal dark violent anger! And thus I should considering the horrors Ive been through!
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As for soulmates! I defined a soulmate through a soulmate search created by God; by listening to God! follow God!
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My soulmate search lasted 4 years! I use the laws of attraction and manifestation techniques to bring the women to me!
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Ive completed the task! Ive brought 2 types of manifestation situations upon me! First, the universe needed to prove itself to me; prove it could bring an Asian women to me on command! It did! meaning, I asked for an Asian women to appear; she appeared; she almost ran me over; she was a runner coming across a bridge! This bridge was located out by a lake; its a walking bridge for runners and bikers! I was off my bike and talking to the universe; she came at me from the other side of the bridge!
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The next area of manifestation; I created the description of the soulmate I wanted to specifics and she show'd up! Now she is gone!
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One area I didn't create in my soulmate search! I did not create the idea of love or a best friend! I created a description of what she looked like; or land of origin, her ethnicity, her education, interests, and her understanding of my dissociative disorders! However, I did not create her character!
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I have to match a soulmate on what Im feeling; if Im feeling deep feelings, I want a women who is feeling the same thing, the same way!
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I forgot to create character! I can have an ax wielding murder'r horror show train wreck show up because she is lonely and just out of women's prison; and she wants to feel! and drinks to much! This will not do! This is not my culture or my character level!
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I have to feel my feelings; my sensitive feelings and attract the same! Its hard when its mixed with brutal potential war violence within me! This causes strange caustic plastic like expressions!
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The point; What do I want from a soulmate" best friend and someone who loves me! someone I can trust and will back me up! Someone who will help me because they want to! and I will love them! the point is; they are my best friend; and that is what I have to focus on in a soulmate!
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I had a perfect description of my soulmate show up! The first thing she did was shun me! and pay attention to other guys! and then in a kind of predator wake up; she started heading toward me! I was not interested in it! I felt insignificant and inferior; meaning; I was being treated like an object like I was inferior! she was acting like a player! This is not what I want in a relationship; a sociopath! no thanks! Her baggage was dangerous; creating new children with the next marriage; and not taking care of them anymore then the last! This is not for me!
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I struggled with this; the idea of this women; trying to compromise because of her behavior! I saw her; I saw the behavior and I left! I can do better; I don't think God wants that around me!
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I will say this; her description was detailed and to have someone of this description show up around me was a complete indication of my manifesting abilities; or Gods! and many other hints occurred that indicated she was my soulmate!
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So; Ive had my soulmate show up! and it meant nothing! because; my best friend did not show up in her! or; maybe she is my best friend and I haven't looked that deep! I dont know!
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I asked for the outside of a person to show up and it did! Now I would like to focus on what I want on the inside and have that show up with the outside package!
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ITs not that Im shallow; Im just new to soulmate searches! My goal was to have someone who actually liked me and got along with me and that I could love; but I never described this to the universe! I got wheat I was looking for but not what I was feeling! and its all about feeling!
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Ive had soulmates before! I loved them; true love! I still love them! although I have not seen them for 40 years!
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I have to love again and work with the universe to love again! Who knows; when I can un ravel my feelings; maybe Ill end up with this one soulmate that showed up! In reality; she loved her kids but the guys she picked to date were mean to her and did not love her; I guess; I know very little about her! I know she likes me tho!
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I have to feel again and allow myself to love someone again! I have to allow the process of feeling and loving again! Im scared; and Im afraid of what happened when young; not now!
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I claim I dont want to get hurt by someone; in reality; I dont want to be reminded of what happened when young and have to relive all that pain again! Feel it again; but is it not worth it to love again; is it not worth taking a chance now to love again; even if I have to feel some uncomfortable pain! So; Ive been scared; I have dissociative disorder; so feeling pain is a bad thing; it sends me over the edge! However, If I can handle it; it is worth it to re live some things and love again in the present and see what happens!
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I have to learn how to love again; and I think God is teaching how once more! we will see

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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